toy stories

[Kuhn]

I slowly noticed the motions floating under the bed
Where I hoped for a moment it was all in my head.
My eyes focused on the faces staring back at me; dead.
These dolls and their apathy, left me panicked, I fled.
Dysfunctional beings, inanimate objects that's talked
When the cord was pulled or button mashed, us kids were at fault.
Just a kiss, I was taught, could make a prince from a frog,
And a cupboard could make a tiny Indian stand up and walk.
It was a magical world that I yearned to be apart of
But it was a never ending story that I wasn't in charge of.
I wanted to roar with the lions on top of pride rock,
Or build webs with Charlotte in the barn with livestock.
But it wasn't to be, I was only human of course,
And even with imagination, reality was enforced.
Years passed and I prematurely grew from my innocence
And I hated the world for what it was, the hatred and wickedness.
The death and the sicknesses that claimed so many I loved,
Forced me to revert to my childhood where life could be numbed.
The faceless mothers in cartoons were suddenly mine,
Because the memory of my own had faded and left me here blind.
I tried to grow up, I nearly faltered as a father
But I pushed through the chaos to reach out to my daughter.
Now I lay with her next to me while her toys litter the floor,
And remind myself that she's the reason that I'm living here for.
Every story that I read her ends with a happily ever after,
Now I sleep with an open book, so I never have to end the chapter.

[iLL ScriptureZ]

Nice little piece here. The only real constructive criticism I can give is you get a little wordy in some lines when you don't have to be. When that happened, for me as a reader when you have a little movement going it immediately gets shut down and we stumble and try to pick it up again. Even though this is text it should read as an audio and/or sound like an audio to the reader. I thought the childhood memories you brought were nice a nice touch but I am still kind of confused at the opener. I thought you were going to incorporate the dead faces you saw as a child and bring that concept full circle but I kind felt wondering about it. Wasnit just a reference to you being afraid of the monsters under the bed? Like a little detail and not a big part of the story? It read, to me like a intricate part. All in all man, it was enjoyable still.

[_Lyrics]

Haha what up YD, fuck man, you killed this. I really want to stick around here because of the writers like you bud, this was such a great layered piece. it had tons of imagination, bringing yourself as a kid playing with all the toys and youth things we all remember, the times when it was like anything was possible in our minds. then being thrown into a world full of "hatred and wickedness" where the young grow up too fast to truly enjoy things, simple things, like what a toy can do for the imagination. Man, this was tear jerking, all the adults dying around you forcing you back into a childlike state as a kind of safety net for mental health lmao. I really like that you tied it together with your daughter dude, with how ominous yet fantasy-like this started, you brought it to such a real and heartfelt place. No matter what, toys will be with you forever, you'll be playing with them with your grand children some day thinking about this piece. Thanks for the read!

[#PrimeTime]

I slowly noticed the motions floating under the bed
Where I hoped for a moment it was all in my head.
My eyes focused on the faces staring back at me; dead.
These dolls and their apathy, left me panicked, I fled.
Dysfunctional beings, inanimate objects that's talked
When the cord was pulled or button mashed, us kids were at fault.
Just a kiss, I was taught, could make a prince from a frog,
And a cupboard could make a tiny Indian stand up and walk

.

I didn't like this part of ur piece man. No, it didn't suck or anything like that, I just didn't like how this part made a whole lot of sense. I get where ur going at with the story and all, but it just never felt like it was grabbing my attention to me. Now, no, I'm not saying that my feedback is in any way an insult, don't get me wrong, because it's not me trying to shut someone down in a negative way at all. Ur flow was good, that def one of the best part of ur story thus far. I didn't like the rhymes here either. To me, I thought they were a little forced, in my opinion.

It was a magical world that I yearned to be apart of
But it was a never ending story that I wasn't in charge of.
I wanted to roar with the lions on top of pride rock,
Or build webs with Charlotte in the barn with livestock.
But it wasn't to be, I was only human of course,
And even with imagination, reality was enforced.
Years passed and I prematurely grew from my innocence
And I hated the world for what it was, the hatred and wickedness.
The death and the sicknesses that claimed so many I loved,
Forced me to revert to my childhood where life could be numbed.

Ok, this was much better overall, in my opinion. The building webs with Charlotte was a dope ass line. That made me laugh a bit. The rest of this part of ur piece was well written. Much better flow overall, and i sensed some real emotion going on in this part. The ending rhymes were sick. Great use of multi's throughout this part dogg!

The faceless mothers in cartoons were suddenly mine,
Because the memory of my own had faded and left me here blind.
I tried to grow up, I nearly faltered as a father
But I pushed through the chaos to reach out to my daughter.
Now I lay with her next to me while her toys litter the floor,
And remind myself that she's the reason that I'm living here for.
Every story that I read her ends with a happily ever after,
Now I sleep with an open book, so I never have to end the chapter.

Damn. This part was pure emotion. I really dug this part man. I sense a great struggle within you as the father, and yeah, that closing bar was dope brother. Your imagery, flow, and emotion really showed in this part. All in all though, I'm sorry if it seemed like i was shitting on your piece in the beginning - I was not. But no lie, in my honest opinion, I really thought ur story here kicked off on fire in the 2nd part i broke down. This was a good drop brother. Please keep at it in the near future dogg!

[Soule]

Not gonna lie, fucking loved this piece. My only complaint is a small complaint and that's me not caring for the wording in this line...

And I hated the world for what it was, the hatred and wickedness

Just didn't like that you used hated and hatred in the same line. Seemed lazy to me. That's it though. The rest of it was perfect. Rhyme scheme wasn't crazy dope but it was smooth enough to keep the pace fluent and enjoyable. Wording was beautiful and you had a lot of great, relatable concepts. The emotion got deeper once fatherhood came into the picture. Overall, one of my favorite recent Open Mic's. Nom'd.

[Jukon]

The thing that sets this piece apart is giving those real life/ heavy problems a child like aesthetic. Bringing life to the stories, the classics, everything we believed to be true. A piece like this really resonates with damn near everyone because we all had a childhood, regardless of the nature of it. The writing style and delivery of this was damn near perfect, a few hiccups due to syllables but not a big enough deal for me to quote it. Really enjoyed this man, hope to read more

[Joe Boston]

Definitely loved the imagery and the emotion in this piece.had alot of relatable content. You can relate to the fact of not having a great childhood and that affecting you when you have your own. The message was dope because everytime a father looks at their daughter they get a grear feeling who woudnt relate to that?

[Kaotic Theory]

Hey man.

Figured id poke my head in here lol and read this.

- - - Updated - - -

Hey man.

Figured id poke my head in here lol and read this.

As i was saying..i thought this was a really excuted poem.
You can tell by the depth of words you layed down that this piece is about your current battles and how it was a constant climb to the top and every burden you fought through was worth who and what you are today. But yeah smooth transitions on the line sequence of flow i thought your vocab was appropriate for this piece and that your emotions and opinion bled through out this piece. Anywho nice poem dudd

[Kuhn]

Thank you everybody forreal it's much appreciated