"Shoot Em Up" by Joe Boston, PrimeTime and Behemoth

[Soule]

Shoot Em Up
By Joe Boston, PrimeTime and Behemoth

Attention Attention!, now class as she watched the stray bullet pass
Let out a gasp and replied "kids! that's today's lesson in math"
She grasped the necklace of her husband and her newborn
As she stared at the appearance of a scruffy face adolescent, trench coat with his shoes torn
He felt scorn toward everyone, this forced hatred would leave more than a dent
2nd graders reciting hail marys, typing "I love you Mom" in their phones got shot before the text message was sent
Superintendent now the principal, please help! Its proceeding to get physical
Police surrounding the area "he's in route near the cafeteria! do we have visual?"
Outside sets the candlelit ritual, he got the lunch lady hostage his personal human shield
Whatever happened to such a bright child, he was an A student and the star at Track n Field
Graphics too detailed sad that it had to end in Cold Blood
He yelled at the teacher "You Betrayed Me" and pulled out a friendship bracelet that read "Best Buds"
Hugs embraced i could bottle up the tears running down a young child's face
Memories of the words that'll forever haunt them "Don't Move or Else i'll kill everyone in this place!"
Hurry race to the safest exit seconds as another life is taken
Pictures stay permanent forever there's no erasing the reflection of no remorse on his face through the empty shell casing
Basing his life on problematic issues at home he felt everyone needed to be taught a lesson
We use to be afraid of a bad grade displayed on our report cards, now we stare down the barrel of automatic weapons

The day was over, done teaching for the day and left that afternoon,
...She thought, something doesn't feel right..
Thinking about that boy, always troubled, sits in the back of the classroom
At a moment's notice, He shouted, "I can change life with the pull of a trigger"
She thought he was joking...
Surely that was out of place, help for himself wasn't anything she would consider
Finally leaving the school, heading straight for her car
*BANG BANG BANG BANG*
The echoing sound of bullets were not too close, but not too far
mass chaos, parents find their kids and rush to cover
children in need, parents sacrifice themselves for the others
the teacher gets up on her feet, seeing no one is harmed,
opens the door, gets in, wondering where and if the gunman is unarmed
her heart racing, taking a deep breath, she sighs
the thought that she could've prevented this crossed her mind
her mind was foggy, yet her eyes couldn't get any clearer
she sees someone coming close, as she adjusts the rearview mirror
the object keeps coming close, she gets tense and she gasps
within a moment, the guy unmasks, it was the boy in the back of the class
*BANG*....

He tosses her body to the cement and gets into the driver's seat,
turns the ignition and kicks the gas, pass barricades where gunfire meets.
He turns up the music to ignore the sound of sirens closing in,
"There’s an evil feeling in our brains" ironic considering his honing sin.
As Metallica screams, the back windshield explodes from a gun,
catches him in the side, he's realized there's a big hole in his lung.
There's duct tape in a bag, this'll do till someone can stitch em up,
it hurts like hell but it's better than bleeding out in this bitch's pickup truck.
"Searching!!! Seek and destroy!!!" the boy begins to rave and shout,
trying to ignore the pain, trying to stay awake until he's made it out.
There's no plan though, and police are still hot on his trail,
he's lost feeling and his skin is pale, he swerves through the rail.
Crashes into the river, water so cold he can't help but shiver,
as his lip begins to quiver, blood and water in his lungs and liver.
He stares at a wolf on the shore, the wolf stares back at him,
and in that moment the boy finally feels a hint of happiness.

- - - Updated - - -

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...alactic-Legacy
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...23-The-Watcher

[#PrimeTime]

thanks for the feed guys, i really appreciate the feed -

wait, there no feed here...

bump, to the top

[_Lyrics]

LOL^ oh nooo, Alright i've been waiting to give you guys the feed you deserve, This was a really dope collaboration! I felt like joe started off with a lot of visuals and right away it felt like i was in a sandy hook scenerio. really progressed well! there was a considerable amount of detailing that went far and could really paint the scenes pretty well, to be honest i do feel like you need to trim down a few of the lines, just too many words will throw off the flow a bit, the opening bars kept flow the best, especially since the content of those lines stuck out the most really, I mean the reflection of no remorse on the empty shell casing is a great way to build some next level imagery and connect some intense emotion to it. Prime time, your a good writer buddy! I liked the flow here a lot, and there were some internal rhymes that helped keep a smooth pace of the read, also a well progressed story going on, it followed up and read easy and had some fluid pieces which intertwined what could've went down as part of the same situation really. my only advice is it did feel a little wordy in the trigger consider line, most of it had a real natural wording so when something doesn't it does stick out to me as im reading. I could definitely picture most of this, and i with the flow this could transfer to audio easy. As for behemoths verse, So heres the thing, I felt like it might be the best written of the three really, The lines were pretty tight with a nice blend of strong imagery and flow, but the only thing, is i'm just left in a far different situation than where prime left me or even joe before him, it's just that the content didn't quite fit the context for what the previous verses had going on as a school shooting type of thing that was kind of broadly drawn out since the start. It seems this is from the perspective of one of the shooters after the carnage has ensued, which is actually a pretty good way to take it after where prime dropped it off. this was a really good collabo, Thanks for the read!

[KingG]

I thought this was decent ima up it for yall. I didn't like certain parts so ill just keep quiet.

[GrimmThatch]

I'd rate it 3/5
I liked the flow, and there were some lines that hit. You're storytelling is notable, I always found it fairly difficult to stick to one topic for too long, especially multiple verses, or a whole song. Mainly that's because i write everything on the spot, i don't really spend more than an hour on a piece, and rarely do i go back to a piece and try to rewrite, finish, or scrap it. Also, the horror core/gore/edgy style with topics like mutilating women and shooting children never really was my style.
All of this bias aside, verse one was visual, I would encourage fine tuning the opening lines, I ALMOST got drawn in, but either the subject made me wonder, or the word choice/placement lost me. however lines 5-8 quickly pulled me back in, followed by vivid imagery.
Verse 2 Was my favorite, not just because the plot twist in the song, but the flow had a nice hip-hop feel to it. It was slightly 'dry' or 'unimaginative', but relatively more creative than the other verses.
verse 3 Again, i did like the twist, however it digressed a little more than the other verses, and again it was slightly unimaginative, which is cause for the bars to be predictable, or the lack of surprise takes away from the blow of the lines. (If you can imagine telling someone something they didn't PREDICT per sae, but they aren't surprised so they reply with something along the lines of "I could have figured that out".)
I'm not sure how this was written, whether it was a joining of verses, or if you guys brainstormed and did the whole revise and edit shit, or even if everyone sat down and collectively wrote it, nonetheless, everything stayed really on topic, which obviously is important in storytelling, but its also difficult to some, so its worth mentioning the appreciation and respect earned with that aspect. Can't wait to read more, I see potential between the lyricists