attempt #2: trapper nick again.....

[RrrealityyY]

I've been working on it a little bit and I think I've gotten better at writing
Check it

So u a genius in rap, but wheres the genius in that?
When lyrical rap genius is a thing of the past
Im crafted of a new genus, u thinkin lyrical spat?
Ill do a song witout a beat, im bringin lyrical back
An this cats just mad his raps cant get the party crackin
His genius art of rappins idiot Savanted wackness
Musta took a lot of practice rockin average raps
Make it to the top of rap where the retarded classes at

Getcha starter jacket jacked while u walkin back to class
You comin face to face wit the harder parts of rap
We aint talkin where to put ya bars an pauses at
Im talkin stars an scars an straps talkin cop cars bombardin traps
Im talkin soft an hard in jars an bags
See, me? Im reala wit it, not what u seen on the television
I got a felony for not talkin,
You? First time u go to jail, you snitchin
N i hope somebody hear u did it, peel u on some squealin bitch shit
So kid quit it fore you spit that rappin at me
Portray the role another rapper acted to be
The curtain closed, sandman sweep him back to the street
Booed off the Apollo, so join the kkk
You a geek, im white an u aint blacker then me

Tell me what you guys think about it, thanks

[Soule]

Alright, well, it's a little better. You took my advice on stretching your lines out which is nice and you did multies from time to time. Maybe try working on your wording. Because saying genius, lyrical and rap a combined nine times in the first four lines is ugly lol. You want your lyrics to be taken seriously? Be less elementary. Be creative. Not just with your concepts and rhyme scheme but with the most important part -- your words.

[RrrealityyY]

Alright, well, it's a little better. You took my advice on stretching your lines out which is nice and you did multies from time to time. Maybe try working on your wording. Because saying genius, lyrical and rap a combined nine times in the first four lines is ugly lol. You want your lyrics to be taken seriously? Be less elementary. Be creative. Not just with your concepts and rhyme scheme but with the most important part -- your words.

Yeah I actually spend quite a bit of time on this one, and yeah the line stretching wasn't hard but it was finding words to do multies with is what threw me off, thanks for the advice though

[_Lyrics]

your first verse was better than what i had seen from your first attempt, the second verse i couldnt really get through, the wording was really choppy and it just needed stronger disses in more creative ways, check out some more pieces, the best place to look is the LLL hof for a few reads to see how some battles were done with proper punchlines and funny set ups

[RrrealityyY]

your first verse was better than what i had seen from your first attempt, the second verse i couldnt really get through, the wording was really choppy and it just needed stronger disses in more creative ways, check out some more pieces, the best place to look is the LLL hof for a few reads to see how some battles were done with proper punchlines and funny set ups

yeah it was a very quickly developed lil song there. but i feel that if i spend more time writing things like this, i can make my verses better somehow. i just need to take time on them and try to use stronger disses and more creativity when i start writing. as always thanks for the feedback, i appreciate it.

[Kim Jung Unnnhmm]

Some gutter punk shit I dig it forsure, reminds me of Token in a trap house.
Keep em comin, practice makes perfect, find a comfort zone within your writing.
Lookin forward to some more work, B.

[wes ghost]

haha i dig the flow on this. Like an old angry eminem. You got a buttery flow man. With lyrical content like this, the only real thing to work on is flow and delivery. If you aren't trying to stretch minds, make sure you know how to spit this shit cause it seems like it would be fun! When the lyrics do nothing for people, the presence and control are what draw them in. Kudos.

P.s. i didn't actually count but it looks like you used the word "rap" about 37 times. Just sayin

[script0rrr]

haha i dig the flow on this. Like an old angry eminem. You got a buttery flow man. With lyrical content like this, the only real thing to work on is flow and delivery. If you aren't trying to stretch minds, make sure you know how to spit this shit cause it seems like it would be fun! When the lyrics do nothing for people, the presence and control are what draw them in. Kudos.

P.s. i didn't actually count but it looks like you used the word "rap" about 37 times. Just sayin

Haha yeah this is only my first verses, I got more written but they're too bad to post them, thanks

[GrimmThatch]

Reminds me of if Token grew up in the hood, or was off trappin or someshit! I love it, Flow was excellent, fairly catchy too.
I would inquire how long it took you to write this?
I enjoy the short bars, and even with the short bars you have weight to your lines, your setups are short sweet and simple, but get you where you need to be mentally, for the punch to hit right. For example

When lyrical rap genius is a thing of the past
Im crafted of a new genus, u thinkin lyrical spat?
Ill do a song witout a beat, im bringin lyrical back

Reasonable bar, firstly, it SOUNDS good, and it carrys a little weight, it does display a little wit and its a nice demonstration of your style and mental capability.
Id rate 3.75/5, I would love to HEAR it instead of read it, because honestly, i just hear tokens 16year old squeaky white kid voice rappin these lyrics, which isn't bad, but I want to hear YOUR flow, YOUR delivery. That's the point anyways right?? I like the flow, the lyrics are above average, however there is SOMETHING about the piece, idk if its the style, the lyrics, the flow, i have no clue, but somewhere it just leans a little towards cliche, you need just a little pizzaz of authenticity, you need to step a little further out of the box, and really bring the unique, make this song YOURS. You have the foundation and elementary skills down, now you need to just personalize it, when I read it I shouldn't be giving feedback like "Sounds like Token if he was tweaking!" I should say shit like "Wow, I haven't heard something quite like this, this is different. " Even if I find it similar to other artists, you gotta make that shit YOUR OWN, you did write it after all. Every different artist that exercises that authentic aspect, stands out, or stands alone. There's a certain vibe or essence the listener will experience, that connects them to the music and the artist, knowing this, you need to get your demographics attention. People replay artists(Rappers I primarily mean this for rap but..) songs generally for 2 reasons. 1:Catchy jingles, which doesn't take talent. 2: They connect personally to a piece of the artist, or part of the artwork. A certain lyric, or tone of voice, delivery, or emotion makes them feel something. It can even just be your energy, your vibe, the way you hold yourself. Its the ideas like "I'm not the only one who thinks this, or feels this way, or has been through that very same event." OR "I DESIRE to feel that or experience that, this artist desires that as well, OR this artist thinks like this, i want to think that too and be more similar to him."

All in all, quality work, always room for progress, nonetheless, I enjoyed your lines, I insist on digging deep and really either reflecting yourself through the music to really TALK to people, in other words Add some of yourself to the style OR altogether take the style, perfect it, work at it until YOU own it. Make the style a part of YOU. Can't wait for more work, I encourage doing some audio recording too btw, again, you may deliver the lines completely unique, and i just can't tell because im reading it. Idk until I hear you spit even just a few bars.

[script0rrr]

Reminds me of if Token grew up in the hood, or was off trappin or someshit! I love it, Flow was excellent, fairly catchy too.
I would inquire how long it took you to write this?
I enjoy the short bars, and even with the short bars you have weight to your lines, your setups are short sweet and simple, but get you where you need to be mentally, for the punch to hit right. For example

Reasonable bar, firstly, it SOUNDS good, and it carrys a little weight, it does display a little wit and its a nice demonstration of your style and mental capability.
Id rate 3.75/5, I would love to HEAR it instead of read it, because honestly, i just hear tokens 16year old squeaky white kid voice rappin these lyrics, which isn't bad, but I want to hear YOUR flow, YOUR delivery. That's the point anyways right?? I like the flow, the lyrics are above average, however there is SOMETHING about the piece, idk if its the style, the lyrics, the flow, i have no clue, but somewhere it just leans a little towards cliche, you need just a little pizzaz of authenticity, you need to step a little further out of the box, and really bring the unique, make this song YOURS. You have the foundation and elementary skills down, now you need to just personalize it, when I read it I shouldn't be giving feedback like "Sounds like Token if he was tweaking!" I should say shit like "Wow, I haven't heard something quite like this, this is different. " Even if I find it similar to other artists, you gotta make that shit YOUR OWN, you did write it after all. Every different artist that exercises that authentic aspect, stands out, or stands alone. There's a certain vibe or essence the listener will experience, that connects them to the music and the artist, knowing this, you need to get your demographics attention. People replay artists(Rappers I primarily mean this for rap but..) songs generally for 2 reasons. 1:Catchy jingles, which doesn't take talent. 2: They connect personally to a piece of the artist, or part of the artwork. A certain lyric, or tone of voice, delivery, or emotion makes them feel something. It can even just be your energy, your vibe, the way you hold yourself. Its the ideas like "I'm not the only one who thinks this, or feels this way, or has been through that very same event." OR "I DESIRE to feel that or experience that, this artist desires that as well, OR this artist thinks like this, i want to think that too and be more similar to him."

All in all, quality work, always room for progress, nonetheless, I enjoyed your lines, I insist on digging deep and really either reflecting yourself through the music to really TALK to people, in other words Add some of yourself to the style OR altogether take the style, perfect it, work at it until YOU own it. Make the style a part of YOU. Can't wait for more work, I encourage doing some audio recording too btw, again, you may deliver the lines completely unique, and i just can't tell because im reading it. Idk until I hear you spit even just a few bars.

thank you so much for this feedback, i appreciate it. anyways, yeah i was already thinking about droppin some audio tracks, but that will be over a span of a few months since i need to find the time to record, as i am quite busy for now.

- - - Updated - - -

and it took me a good few weeks to write this, took a lot of thinking and time.

[143]

To me what I think that you need is to be cleaver. What I mean about being cleaver is what you hear when you have people drop lyrics. Using representation to get your point and image across. This medium can create some wonderful images about what's being read and this is the truest form of writing raps. So use things like "Your genius is a genius that slacks/ Almost if it's intravenously wack " and those little words sound complicated yet gives some depth. Using words that help describe or come from the same genre of the word helps too. In the aforementioned line "genius goes well with intravenously" because of its relation to being a genius and the medical field being an arena that a genius would use his intellect to strive in. These little nuances are what give a verse depth and also give room for the reader to fall in love with your work. Try it and see what happens.

[script0rrr]

To me what I think that you need is to be cleaver. What I mean about being cleaver is what you hear when you have people drop lyrics. Using representation to get your point and image across. This medium can create some wonderful images about what's being read and this is the truest form of writing raps. So use things like "Your genius is a genius that slacks/ Almost if it's intravenously wack " and those little words sound complicated yet gives some depth. Using words that help describe or come from the same genre of the word helps too. In the aforementioned line "genius goes well with intravenously" because of its relation to being a genius and the medical field being an arena that a genius would use his intellect to strive in. These little nuances are what give a verse depth and also give room for the reader to fall in love with your work. Try it and see what happens.

Yeah you right, I do gotta work on some things but for now I'm just trying to record an audio version of this