User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: The corpse we crafted

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ExPoeta's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    0

    The corpse we crafted

    The corpse we crafted

    Architects of delusional youth,
    blue print dreams in wake of futility.
    Hopeless romantics, still cling frantically,
    to silver screen projections of reality.

    We, smoke the packaged bones of this
    fruitless land; growing contempt for
    seeds sown in oil.

    Still born roots, smother their mothers,
    procrastination can infect a nation.

    We, promised land.
    Sworn enemies of truth.
    Hereby.
    Hereafter.
    Surrender our minds,
    so the vacuum of control falls to you.

    Death letters from the Sun,
    condemn parasitic moons,
    the star struck swoon,
    yet often, last to be exhumed.

    -Poeta

  2. #2
    SirVent
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Texas
    Age
    34
    Posts
    6,642
    Battle Record
    13-2
    Awards PS Champion/IE Champion Haiku Champion OM HOF PC HOF SOTW

    Re: The corpse we crafted

    The title of this is so dark, and that alone sets the tone. I always like knowing what I'm getting in to in terms of mood/ tone right from the start. I liked the silver screen part, young kids holding on to hope and believing they can have what people they admire have. The imagery in the second part is great, "smoke the packaged bones" is fucking clever. And the turn on still born roots, smother their mothers, interesting way to word it. At the beginning I just get a vibe of celebrities, and them setting this "example" for the youth, not necessarily a good example, yet young kids still aim to be like them regardless if they're even a good person or not. But then at the end with those last 4 lines I got a different vibe. The tone changed and turned harsh, and cold. Which I think is fitting for talking about death so I applaud that effortless switch up. I don't have much negative to say, rarely do, but I enjoyed this. I often feel like I over analyze and miss the bigger picture, sometimes the simplest things go over my head. But the words were there, and I received a message. I think you did your job, and did it well.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  3. #3
    bobericc _Lyrics's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    boston
    Age
    33
    Posts
    6,748
    Battle Record
    64-44

    Re: The corpse we crafted

    whats up poeta! glad you got your user back, I do remember some of your work, you've always been a really strong poet man! I have mixed feelings about this. the way it was written, really-was in my taste of things, its a poetic message that's not always clear to an unseasoned reader. Generally the great thing about this writing, which i a lot of times have been guilty of doing, is making it the message a bit muddied, so unless you have the goggles of being able to understand some abstract imagery that forms complex metas, you might get lost in the message. on the flip end though it creates a plateau- just a much more genuine, greater value to interpretation especially when its spot on the writers mindset as well. to me it started with an underlying vibe of lost hope millennials a victim to many falsehoods. The second and third stanzas gave it more visual depth, an older generations workmanship and younger one that cant grow up, ultimately it will become the older generation as well. I'm not too sure what to make of the last stanza, it could be that the young that have been failing do lash out at the ones around them and dive bomb quicker than the successful ones idolized. very thought-provoking, thanks for the read!
    GreaterDesignGrowers.com

    Im not a rapper, im a gardener

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ExPoeta's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    0

    Re: The corpse we crafted

    Really appreciate the feedback!

    If it's okay Lyrics, tell me more about the things you didn't like. That's more what I want to know. I definitely get your point that a lot of the time my poetry becomes inaccessible due to its abstract nature, and is definitely something I need to work on.

  5. #5
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    The Desert
    Posts
    1,821
    Battle Record
    8-9
    Awards SS HW Champion PC HOF OM HOF

    Re: The corpse we crafted

    Reading this I feel that you left something for everyone to pull their aspect from. I thought it was more of moments vs movement. It was very descriptive about situations vs outline actions. Your representation were vivid, precise yet open. This is what validate my feeling of letting me choose what I want to pull from this. Your ability to build these platforms with your wording is extraordinary (Sorry watched Enter the Dragon). I too can write from an extreme abstract point but with this if it was too literal in the content it would have backfired. I enjoyed it.....


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    Best Topical Writer: 143

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •