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Thread: Toothbrush

  1. #1
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Toothbrush

    I thought that I could play with sun smiles
    File my fingers between molars
    Playing with withered fillings
    Flick the cavities to the side and renew, enameled

    Yet on the crest of adventure, I'm censured
    Being sectioned off by golden representation
    Slurring the words that sent me an invite
    Bracing for sterilization

    Even brushing up on skills that are no longer needed
    I plea to wash this unconventional process
    Digress into the two minutes we had together
    Where it could withstand soda dreams and sugar jungle gyms

    But I am relegated to the medicine cabinet
    Sharing my room with random prescriptions
    Finding some slanted sense of solace
    Wishing I could play again with your smile.......


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    Best Topical Writer: 143

  2. #2
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Toothbrush

    Very interesting perspective! I always respect writers more when they are able to shift out of their own way and examine something seemingly everyday in a more nuanced way. You have definitely achieved this here. The first few lines are beautiful imagery. So vivid and engaging to the senses. I was slightly unsure what you meant by 'golden representation' in the context of the stanza. However, for the most part it read coherently and structurally unambiguous. Some minor wording issues such as 'random' where I feel you could use something more showing such as 'scattered' to emphasize their under appreciation. I really liked it. And I felt truly sorry for the protagonist, who just so happens to be a tooth brush haha

    Again, very interesting use of an obscure marginalized voice. I mean of course it's only a metaphor for a non inanimate objects emotional logic, but I prefer to just think of it as genuinely being a toothbrush feeling dejected haha

    Good read man!
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  3. #3
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Re: Toothbrush

    Quote Originally Posted by PoetaDemonio View Post
    Very interesting perspective! I always respect writers more when they are able to shift out of their own way and examine something seemingly everyday in a more nuanced way. You have definitely achieved this here. The first few lines are beautiful imagery. So vivid and engaging to the senses. I was slightly unsure what you meant by 'golden representation' in the context of the stanza. However, for the most part it read coherently and structurally unambiguous. Some minor wording issues such as 'random' where I feel you could use something more showing such as 'scattered' to emphasize their under appreciation. I really liked it. And I felt truly sorry for the protagonist, who just so happens to be a tooth brush haha

    Again, very interesting use of an obscure marginalized voice. I mean of course it's only a metaphor for a non inanimate objects emotional logic, but I prefer to just think of it as genuinely being a toothbrush feeling dejected haha

    Good read man!
    This was spur of the moment as I just threw out my toothbrush for an electric model and thought that we don't use toothbrushes like we do....


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    Best Topical Writer: 143

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