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Thread: Untitled

  1. #1

    Untitled

    I would first like to thank everyone for the advice and feedback you have left in my other drops. I truly appreciate it and am definitely trying to grow from it. One flaw I noticed in my work was a huge lack of imagery and language to paint the scene, which is what I've been pushing myself to improve upon. Please let me know what you think. Thank you.



    We shall only be together in our dreams.
    I have learned to accept this fact.
    Your heart, that divine jewel
    Resting within your chest
    Shall never be mine alone.
    I am not worthy of it.
    I would only cause its luster to fade.

    You, a spring meadow
    Bringing life with every step you take.
    Flowers come to life when you smile.
    The birds chirp alongside your laughter.
    Your scent in sync with the pines.
    Every word you speak reverberating across infinity.
    You are the quintessence of life
    Wrapped inside a mortal frame.

    I, a maelstrom of darkness
    Causing crops to wither and animals to flee.
    Blooming corpse flowers all around me
    The scent of pervades my surroundings.
    While crows and vultures circle around
    In a storm covered sky.
    I am the quintessence of death
    Wrapped inside a mortal frame.

    No wonder I lust after that which you have to offer.
    Yet I cannot bring myself to do so.
    I am enamored by you and the beauty you exude.
    And shocked that you find beauty within me too.
    Life and death revolve around one another.
    For time eternal.
    Just like me and you.

  2. #2
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Re: Untitled

    Reading this I like the movement you come with this. It feels like the character is doing a walk of shame as he realize that she can be with him. You bring that image of the last chance being spent in vain and him having to realize that it's over. You take your time with this by going into depth about the various feelings and recognition points that blossom then dividing this by his wants, his nature. The second to last verse states it all as you find the fault and the inevitable source to the situation. I think that this is written perfectly and a good balance of vocab, emotions and metaphors that really brought this to life...Dope shit.....


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  3. #3
    wyrdsmyth Karaoshi's Avatar
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    Re: Untitled

    This was ok. It had a good sense of narrative, with the different sections each presenting the next part of the story. As a whole, the words didn't carry a lot of weight for me. I think solely because you focused on telling the story rather than musing on how it's affected you or on your thoughts or feelings etc. For example:

    Her heart is a jewel I will never hold,
    But my own chest burns for it;
    I can feel the yearning wet my cheek;
    I can taste the salt.

    I think bringing the focus back onto how you the writer is affected gives us the reader something to involve ourselves in, and helps us put ourselves in the shoes of the protagonist.

    All said, you had some solid stuff in here, good concepts, a good sense or narrative. I may have written it slightly differently, but it's good writing.

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