Jazzy Belle

[Truth Iscariot]

Jazzy Belle

The jazz hit my soul
Spotting me cowering from the size of the sound
And devoured me hole
For hours I'd hold my glass stirring spirits to sounds of clinking ice
Enticed by the dim lights romancing my eyes, the scent of lies, and the smooth drinks
The sultress gracing the stage swoons - Her voice and my ears collide
She has made love to my mind I could see her if I were blind
The way her vocals enraptures my thoughts
I play the drunken fool or a Fox in a trap
Unbewittingly this forest will be my doom
"One more Crown on the rocks"
It's false hope that I've bought
Into Hell's Harbor I docked

She left the stage in rambles
It quaked with each step away from the mic
I followed into the darkness
Like a moth drawn to a light

Earning my way backstage with bribes
I conned my way inside her dressing room
She sat entombed in the triump of her performanced
A playful demeanor beseeched from me flirtation
I could tell the toll of her callers had been many
I simply couldn't break from my fate of infatuation
The tides of time and space fought against my sake
And she said yes to dinner, didn't change her dress
We entered a near by mom and pop
Her attire rendered desire. I swear they stared as if their hear stopped
She mopped the floor with all who had come before

I paid the bill after an hour - conversation never soured
She gave all the rights answers to prove her suspicions I was a coward
Who couldn't counter desire or say what I was after
She blurt it out with vulgarity once our feet hit the street of this broken city
The state of outward disfunction mangled something in me
I screamed "YES!" Back at her
She erupted in laughter and we kissed
It began to rain right as I threw her on my bed
Wet was the bliss - again and again
Satisfaction captioned by hopes the night would never end
But it did

I awoke for slumber wondering if these pleasures had been a dream
Had I drank a bit to much and staggered home only to cling to fantasies in my sleep

The truth confirmed in note
She had left before dawn or so she wrote

"I snuck out after bearing witness to your sin
You see I am the embodiment of the weakness held within
I am the original temptress - Queen of these instances
Where a man cannot overcome his love of liquor and women
I will stand laughing once Life diminishes

See the deeds done after dusk - the lust you've exhibited
Has forever tainted your soul - your entrance to heaven is prohibited
You will burn eternally in the fires of Hell
Thanks for the fun, I wish you the best until death

- Jazzy Belle (Jezebel)"

[Emily]

Oh my. Wow. Such a stunning, captivating story, told with an essence of old fashioned charm.
The atmosphere you built in this Truth, was dense, you could cut it with a knife.
I'm gonna break it down.

The jazz hit my soul Nice starting line, straight off the bat. Clever wording. Clean and crystal clear.
Spotting me cowering from the size of the sound
And devoured me hole Very nice lines here. 'hole' should be 'whole'...slight typo, no biggie.
For hours I'd hold my glass stirring spirits to sounds of clinking ice Great line here. '...stirring spirits to sounds of clinking...' lovely alliteration in that line.
Enticed by the dim lights romancing my eyes, the scent of lies, and the smooth drinks
The sultress gracing the stage swoons - Her voice and my ears collide You know, you paint a portrait with such delicate strokes and every detail is captured almost in 3D. It comes alive and bounces off the page and seeps into my imagination.
She has made love to my mind I could see her if I were blind Niiice.
The way her vocals enraptures my thoughts
I play the drunken fool or a Fox in a trap
Unbewittingly this forest will be my doom Funny how you almost know it's too good to be true.
"One more Crown on the rocks"
It's false hope that I've bought
Into Hell's Harbor I docked

She left the stage in rambles
It quaked with each step away from the mic
I followed into the darkness
Like a moth drawn to a light cool stanza here. I like the bridge that takes you from Hell's Harbor to...

Earning my way backstage with bribes Perfect. So honest. So humble. So in lust.
I conned my way inside her dressing room
She sat entombed in the triump of her performanced
A playful demeanor beseeched from me flirtation
I could tell the toll of her callers had been many
I simply couldn't break from my fate of infatuation
The tides of time and space fought against my sake
And she said yes to dinner, didn't change her dress I like all the details. I like the fact that the words are almost rushed from adrenaline, or
excitement. I like that you started this sentence with 'And'. It's one thing after another.
We entered a near by mom and pop lol, there's a rustic vibe to that. I like it.
Her attire rendered desire. I swear they stared as if their hear stopped typo, 'heart'. 'Her attire rendered desire' is so well put.
She mopped the floor with all who had come before Smack in the face reality. This is such a strong line. It holds power.

I paid the bill after an hour - conversation never soured The on and off rhyming is cool. It all works for me.
She gave all the rights answers to prove her suspicions I was a coward
Who couldn't counter desire or say what I was after
She blurt it out with vulgarity once our feet hit the street of this broken city You write so well Truth. You always did.
The state of outward disfunction mangled something in me
I screamed "YES!" Back at her
She erupted in laughter and we kissed
It began to rain right as I threw her on my bed
Wet was the bliss - again and again
Satisfaction captioned by hopes the night would never end
But it did What a great stanza. Hot stanza.

I awoke for slumber wondering if these pleasures had been a dream for? or from?
Had I drank a bit to much and staggered home only to cling to fantasies in my sleep?
One would typically think this....but....I feel there's a but coming...

The truth confirmed in note
She had left before dawn or so she wrote

"I snuck out after bearing witness to your sin
You see I am the embodiment of the weakness held within
I am the original temptress - Queen of these instances
Where a man cannot overcome his love of liquor and women
I will stand laughing once Life diminishes
Yessssss......Noooooooooooo.......Oh Fuuuuuuuuuck....

See the deeds done after dusk - the lust you've exhibited
Has forever tainted your soul - your entrance to heaven is prohibited
You will burn eternally in the fires of Hell
Thanks for the fun, I wish you the best until death

- Jazzy Belle (Jezebel)"

Brilliant outro Truth. Such a fitting, shocking, mocking, outro.
Sucked in. I hope it was worth it lol.
Ps, I would have done the same as the writer lol (in Hell again and again)



Truth, you have no idea how glad I am that you're back. It's writing like that that gets me buzzed. I feel alive when I read your work.
You have the ability to suck the reader in with day to day details that make the words believable, but then you spin a certain magic and
poetic passion just flows out of you and into me and imo, that's great writing.
This piece is high spirited and vibrant.
Jezebel--such a wench. Such a--temptress, harlot.
She's so confident sexually.
You wrote her well. You wrote him well.
I'm impressed with this piece.


Loved it.

Great work Truth.

Thank you.

[Truth Iscariot]

Thank you Emily

[Karaoshi]

Troof! Good to have you back man. This piece perfectly played up that sense of dusky husky 1960's Chicago jazz bar atmosphere that you see in all those old detective movies. Overall I loved it. 90% of the writing felt fresh and clever with only a few minor hiccoughs. Typos are typos, that doesn't concern me too much. There was one or two cliche lines, tho, which was a shame. The moth, and burning in fires of hell. I think you could have found a newer way of getting those ideas across.

Pieces like this are tricky because there's no real line structure, but the words have a certain flow to them. I say tricky because it becomes instantly very apparent when that flow is disrupted, or the words don't quite fit in with it properly, which happened in this piece in a few instances. Makes the piece read a bit awkwardly in parts. Not a huge concern, but something to keep in mind when writing this style of poetry I guess.

All in all a couple of minor blemishes on an extremely solid piece. I really liked the Jezebel/Jazzy Belle take too. Good to have you back mate!

[Sammy]

Yeah this was a nice read. The allegory had a very classical feel about it. The story progression was pretty smooth. If I'm interpreting it correctly, a lonely guy is becomes intranced by the manifestation of Jazz resulting in all kind of stuff. I've read jazz/situation metaphors in man topical but never in a free verse format.

But I have to mention that, there were a few instances where some of the word choices were somewhat questionable.

S

She sat entombed in the triump of her performanced
A playful demeanor beseeched from me flirtation

Entombed to me holds a negative or rather dark connotation. The way it was implemented kind of take away from the jovial tone. Also was there a typo on the very next line? Me flirting/ my flirtation? "Fought against my sake" was also weirdly phrased imo

"I swear they stared as if their heart stop"

^^a somewhat trite analogy.

But truth is, the negatives were far and in between. This was a very well thought out story, executed almost flawlessly. Def worthy of a nom.

[mal diction]

good rhyme