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Thread: Dead Space

  1. #1
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
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    Dead Space



    "Dead Space"

    Go ahead exhale
    Purge the pressure
    Let's wipe the slate
    Take back ur bracelet of blemish
    Here's ur ring of ridicule
    Wedding dress of lavish lyricism
    Addressing paper promises
    Breathe out..

    It’s never really gone, u know?
    Residual air lingers
    That dancing disco lights,
    As sun brims her brunette locks
    Winking between strands

    Residuals.
    that charming chortle during SNL skits
    how her eyes shifts to the right when sipping her wine
    how her lips quiver when she's telling a lie
    Nuanced necrophiliac
    I can't escape this dead space.

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  2. #2
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Dead Space

    Quote Originally Posted by Sammy View Post


    "Dead Space"

    Go ahead exhale
    I really like this opening line, it immediately engages the reader. I would however put some form of pause between Go ahead and exhale So Go ahead... exhale. Or Go ahead, exhale. It feels to me like the line naturally wants to do that but grammatically you haven't made that evident.

    Purge the pressure
    Like the alliteration. Also I really like the word choice outside of that as it demonstrates the desperation and severity of the emotion, helping to build tension.

    Let's wipe the slate
    Cliched. Also I feel this line detracts and acts as an anti climatic force in the piece. Having resolution could be nice nearer the end, but as it stands, I'm just not fond of this part.

    Take back ur bracelet of blemish
    I love love love love this line if it means what I think it means, if not, I don't like it half as much, but still dig it. The way I read it was when you buy cheap zinc jewelry and it leaves that green staining and rash on your skin.

    Here's ur ring of ridicule
    Again, love the alliteration, it helps the poem dance across the page and again clearly and vividly brings forth the rollercoaster emotions of anger, embarrassment and a feeling of isolation.

    Wedding dress of lavish lyricism
    Not really sure about this line. Again, I like the way the words sound together but the inner mechanics of meaning are slightly alluding me here! Only the last phrase, but it threw me of quite a bit.

    Addressing paper promises
    Breathe out..
    If you can re-word the line preceding this then I really like this. My favorite part however is the breathe out part as it perfectly captures that moment when you can feel yourself getting worked up again, even though you've managed to calm down a little before, and now you just have to give yourself that reminder to relax a little and try and think clearly. Love it! Very subtle and only two words, but those two words speak volumes.

    It’s never really gone, u know?
    I like how this is more of a question to the protagonists self as opposed to directed at their ex. I also have a taste for commas that exaggerate natural pauses, alike the suggested coma in the opening line.

    Residual air lingers
    That dancing disco lights,
    Light? I'm assuming. Minor error. Again, the reflection period if being examined well here. You have really done a great job of capturing the fickle emotional changes of humans haha

    As sun brims her brunette locks
    Winking between strands
    Really like this. The rose tinted reflections of selective memory! Also the choice of the word 'winking' added in the desire to rekindle and reconnect.


    Residuals.
    that charming chortle during SNL skits
    American reference, but non the less relateable. Furthering the imagery of switch of mind set.

    how her eyes shifts to the right when sipping her wine
    Great line. All I have to say on the matter

    how her lips quiver when she's telling a lie
    Nuanced necrophiliac
    Do not understand. Nuanced means to be subtly different, so the two ideas here strike me as odd. Weird juxtaposition! But on the flip side I like your twist that their lover is dead and not just a break up! That was cool.

    I can't escape this dead space.
    Perfect ending. You can't bring back the dead! So it remains stagnant and depressing! Dig it!
    Overall, really really enjoyed this piece. I would say just write 'you' instead of 'u' unless there's a specific purpose that I'm missing there. Otherwise, just do it right haha. Also be careful of capitalizing some sections at the start of lines and not others. Either do all capitalized, or only at the beginning of the sentence. Poetry enjoys a certain freedom in it's abstracted metaphorical pocket of creativity, yet it isn't removed from basic grammar that aids the reader to follow your narrative and read it how you read it back to yourself. Thank you for sharing, hope to see lots more from you.
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  3. #3
    tha pendragon mal diction's Avatar
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    Re: Dead Space

    Go ahead exhale
    Purge the pressure
    Let's wipe the slate
    Take back ur bracelet of blemish
    Here's ur ring of ridicule
    Breathe out..

    It’s never really gone, u know?
    Residual air lingers

    Residuals.

    I can't escape this dead space.
    aka Sorrow: the Broken Wing

  4. #4
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Dead Space

    "Dead Space" Interesting title.

    Go ahead exhale Love this first line. But have to agree with the feeder above me regarding a comma after the word ...ahead.
    It just gives it more power I think. More momentum.

    Purge the pressure Pfew, what a stunning line. Lovely alliteration. Lovely wording. Love what you're saying here.
    Let's wipe the slate Ok, I like the idea of what you're saying. Starting fresh is a good thing.
    The wording isn't as fresh as your other lines though. And because your other lines re so golden, this one just doesn't have the same shine. Not a bad line,
    just not as fresh.

    Take back ur bracelet of blemish Stunning. Bracelet of blemish is HOT.
    Here's ur ring of ridicule Another great line. Ring of ridicule is great. Love your alliteration Sammy.
    Wedding dress of lavish lyricism And again. Lavish lyricism in a wedding dress is so bloody fitting. It's so good.
    I'm surprised I've never heard it put like that before. So abstract yet so fitting.

    Addressing paper promises And again. I kind of like the mix or words 'wedding dress/address' I know it means different things
    but in my imagination, her wedding dress just turned to paper. And the vows she'll say, will burn like embers in the wind.
    Beautiful wording Sammy.

    Breathe out..Ugh...I'm in love with this line. What it does is serene. It leaves you floating in thin air. Bravo.

    It’s never really gone, u know? The reality in this line is a bit too obvious for me. I don't know, maybe a little abrupt since I've been floating on a cloud from your prior lines. I think it brought me back down to earth when I really loved that floating feeling I was getting from your imagery. But tbh, a new stanza brings new things, so lets see.
    Residual air lingers Ok, yeah, so it is a fresh idea. The energy, or ..... stale energy is brought to life here. Nice switch.
    That dancing disco lights,
    As sun brims her brunette locks
    Winking between strands Well put. These three lines are great. Especially this last one. Are you kidding me? 'Winking between strands' is so
    romantic and lovely. Well done.


    Residuals.
    that charming chortle during SNL skits And here reality sets in.
    how her eyes shifts to the right when sipping her wine Slight typo I think, maybe it should be 'shift not shifts'. But I like how you've given us a great visual of her facial expression and even more so, a moment in her mindset.
    how her lips quiver when she's telling a lie Ahhh, yes. Love it.
    Nuanced necrophiliac Great wording. Dead space that's still a pain. That's still breathing in its own sick absurd annoying way.
    I can't escape this dead space. No you can't. Great outro.


    Sammy, I love it. I love what you wrote. It hit a cord with me. It pulled some heart strings. It made me think. It brought me into a deep place
    where I felt the emotions and saw the pictures and appreciated your particular painted perspective.

    Great piece Sammy.

    What a pleasure to have you in pc.


    Thank you.
    Last edited by Emily; April 17th, 2017 at 08:21 PM


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  5. #5
    tha pendragon mal diction's Avatar
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    Re: Dead Space

    i liked this...
    aka Sorrow: the Broken Wing

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