The Killing Moon

[Soule]

Southern comfort
seeping through the veins
of an heroin addict.

the scorching scent
of burning flesh
nauseates flustered nostrils.

carpe diem, they tell me
seize the day one hit at a time.

salted tears smear mascara
running down rosey cheeks
as mother wipes each eye.

drowning in saliva
caressed by the moonlight
dying a smooth suicide.

snakebites beneath bicep
it only took two
to push me over the cliff.

A sweet high under the killing moon.

[Emily]

Southern comfort
seeping through the veins
of an heroin addict. Clever wording Johnny. Funny how you've used a drink but it describes two things here. I like it.

the scorching scent
of burning flesh
nauseates flustered nostrils. The images you're able to capture are vivid. I can see what you're describing and almost smell the singed situation.

carpe diem, they tell me
seize the day one hit at a time. I love the words 'carpe diem' but wish you hadn't explained the meaning of it in the second line here.
Only because I think it loses its ousia when it's doubled up like that. I think it has more of an allure pure with no back up. If you know what I mean.

salted tears smear mascara
running down rosey cheeks Really like these two lines Johnny. Something old fashioned about them and innocent.
as mother wipes each eye. But this line doesn't draw me in in the same way. I don't know, just seems...idk, I can't word it.
Maybe a bit ..... cliche. Maybe a bit expected.

drowning in saliva
caressed by the moonlight
dying a smooth suicide. These three lines though...are something else. Omg, love them. Especially that last one. Actually every line is bliss here.

snakebites beneath bicep
it only took two
to push me over the cliff. Interesting wording here Johnny. I'm drawn to the unexpected, to the unknown nature of what's to come.
Anticipation is wonderful, and you've left me wondering what's going to happen next. That's good.

A sweet high under the killing moon. Nice outro. 'Killing moon' is so different, so fresh, and so alive. And coupled with 'sweet high' well, I just
love that mix of wording. Well done.

Johnny, I like what you've written here. I think you have some standout lines that resonate and reach the core and are quite different in their approach.
I do have to say though, what I'm really missing here is the poetic essence, the floating nature of poetry. At times, some wording comes off as a tad harsh, a bit monotone, a little metallic.

'...drowning in saliva
caressed by the moonlight
dying a smooth suicide...'

They are my favourite lines. My favourite stanza. It holds melodic grace and captures something special. Even though the pauses between lines are obvious, its still able to draw a picture in my mind and leave it there lingering, which to me is a good sign.


Cool drop.


Thank you.