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Thread: Final Draft of The Age of Empires

  1. #1
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Legendary Poem

    Final Draft of The Age of Empires

    The Age of Empires;
    came, saw, conquered and perished. Maybe the Gods will just retire…

    Protecting our lands from foreign invasion,
    Death to the tribes that won’t fill our slave-ships.


    Across the sea’s, on white horse tides,
    they seized their men and raped their wives.

    Sailed too close to cinder suns…
    moored on a horizon long scorched by Huns.

    Captured laughter from a baby’s throat.
    Bottle fed it, until it choked.

    Their first born slaughtered, slung loose at their feet…
    surrender your lands, or suffer plagues and defeat.

    Blood splattered banners; they fluttered for victory…
    flickering though time, concealing frail-pages of history.

    Protecting our lands from foreign invasion,
    by taking their lives in their own home nations.


    Sunk teeth-too-deep, infecting the open wounds of temptation,
    whilst monsters of creation, evolved out of brutal exploitation.

    Across the sea’s, this time we’ll fly,
    in preservation of our culture, we’ll gladly die.

    Though it’s thousands of miles away,
    we must vow to keep Muhammed’s children at bay.

    If they should live, yes, even one…
    Jesus will become Gods forgotten son.

    I know you’re an atheist, but my child, do your part…
    Because, tradition must find homage in a patriots heart.

    Protecting our lands from foreign invasion,
    with drone strikes and plans for nuclear annihilation.
    AI


    “¡Viva la Revolución!”

  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Final Draft of The Age of Empires

    *This is a piece for a module at uni that I'm taking, whereby we have to write 3 poems; one in quatrains, one in tercets, and one in couplets for an assignment. This is the couplets poem!


    I have to tell you Poeta, I found the other version smoother than this one. I think the content you added here was rich, but you lost me at times with flow and rhyme in this version. The other version didn't seem to have much that stood out in terms of broken flow.



    came, saw, conquered and perished. Maybe the Gods will just retire…
    I thought that was an excellent titile for your piece Poeta.

    Protecting our lands from foreign invasion,
    Death to the tribes that won’t fill our slave-ships.
    Nice wording but found the beat a bit choppy, mainly in the second line.

    Across the sea’s, on white horse tides,
    they seized their men and raped their wives.
    Rhyme and flow work wonderfully here.

    Sailed too close to cinder suns… What a TOP line!
    moored on a horizon long scorched by Huns.

    Captured laughter from a baby’s throat.
    Bottle fed it, until it choked.
    Love this bar.

    Their first born slaughtered, slung loose at their feet…
    surrender your lands, or suffer plagues and defeat.
    Niiice.

    Blood splattered banners; they fluttered for victory…
    flickering though time, concealing frail-pages of history.
    Even though I like what you've said here, I found the syllable count topped me slightly over the edge.

    Protecting our lands from foreign invasion,
    by taking their lives in their own home nations.
    ok

    Sunk teeth-too-deep, infecting the open wounds of temptation,
    whilst monsters of creation, evolved out of brutal exploitation.
    Mouth full but deep in meaning and nice pace Poeta.

    Across the sea’s, this time we’ll fly,
    in preservation of our culture, we’ll gladly die.
    Idk, the bit where it says 'we'll gladly die' found that a bit ... middle of the road.
    Maybe a bit expected or ... idk, just doesn't sound so unique. I've heard it too many times I think.
    I know where you're coming from, don't get me wrong, I like what you're saying, just wish there was
    a fresh way to say it.


    Though it’s thousands of miles away,
    we must vow to keep Muhammed’s children at bay.
    Syllable count ruined the second line for me here.

    If they should live, yes, even one…
    Jesus will become Gods forgotten son.

    I know you’re an atheist, but my child, do your part…
    Because, tradition must find homage in a patriots heart.
    What a top couple of lines! Just great.
    Great tone in that voice, with wisdom working for it all the way to richness.
    Perfect lines. My favourite so far.



    Protecting our lands from foreign invasion,
    with drone strikes and plans for nuclear annihilation.
    Bit of a mouth full I felt again with this second line. Only a smidgen though.
    Cool wording going on here.



    Oh, it's finished lol. I didn't realise we were up to the outro. ok.

    Well, you've got some sensational wording happening in this piece. I think the flow at times does it for me and at other times,
    just lets me down by a few beats here and there.
    I get that this unit has to be written in this structure so I won't go on about that.
    Sometimes it's quite limiting (this structure, where the melody is concerned) but I think you did well to make it sound interesting, deep and relevant.
    Just those few lines that toppled me at times, thats all.
    Other than that, I think you did well with this Poeta.

    That favourite line though...omg, that was just brilliant.
    I absolutely loved those lines.


    Well done Poeta.


    Thank you


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  3. #3
    Jedi Forks. Fatrick Swayze's Avatar
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    Re: Final Draft of The Age of Empires

    I felt like you wanted to mention Islam in this poem so bad. Just my interpretation at least that's what it it hints to right. This elegant with strong depth to it. I liked the smooth nature this had. Great diction which led to outstanding imagery., loved the format you took this in I think it lent very well to the picture you where trying to pant. Can I just say that "Across the sea's, on white horse strides" is just a amazing writing and beyond dope? I mean not only does it set the tone for the rest of the piece but it also evokes emotion out of the reader. You know I dug how at the start of the poem it seems your referencing things in our history but by the time poem ends it has this eary sense that it's describing what's going on due to past. I mean this was cool man thanks for the read
    DamNation

  4. #4
    The Wind Sings TheIllyricist's Avatar
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    Re: Final Draft of The Age of Empires

    Apologies for the delay on returning the favor for your feed. Got a puppy who eats away my time like a motherfucker lol. On to the feed.

    Unsure if you're trying to be political or not, you straddle the line between showing your own bias or perhaps not. From a personal point of view, I feel the moment you inject your own opinion within a poem or a story (that may have a political nature) you begin to lose the power of the piece. No one likes getting preached to or lectured to. Like I said in the first sentence, that may not be a problem at all here because as I've said, I am unsure.

    White horse's tides -- that's picturesque poetry. Strong start.

    I think ultimately, the visual aspects of this were the strongest. The tone and strength faltered when the couplets seemed to be like the dialogue of an empire forcing their will upon native peoples they were invading. “or suffer plagues and defeat” is one particular case of this. It feels too vague, too forced of a rhyme rather than flowing in the essence of the empires themselves.

    Cinder suns was wonderful, again, as I said before, when you seam thoughtful provocation within the fabric of your imagery, that’s where you’re strongest as opposed to the final couplet that felt so on the nose it ruins the magic.

    You’ve got a lot of skill, lot of potential, and since this was for a class maybe you were working too hard in the direction of the couplet and forcing your message. Ups and downs, but there is a lot to like here even if I don’t personally agree with all of it.
    “Those whom life does not cure death will. The world is quite ruthless in selecting between the dream and the reality, even where we will not. Between the wish and the thing the world lies waiting.”

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