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Thread: Human

  1. #1
    Coal to the furnace Cody Phoenix's Avatar
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    Human

    I miss the way I felt about you,
    I'm a puzzle missing a piece without you,
    I hate the day, I love my sleep and fade away,
    I dream about you, I dream and change the pain,
    we love to love but it's not the same,
    I love to love but you loved to play,
    When I'd talk, I'd talk to you,
    When you'd talk you'd walk right through,
    door's open left with that part of truth
    put me in an empty room, split and left in two,
    had me question what I really meant to you,
    so I hide in darkness, tryna figure out,
    figure out what my heart is.


    I miss you, I really do,
    close my eyes and I'm hearing you,
    I loved you, I was madly-mad about it,
    I took it out on the past I had without it,
    diving deep just to pass it fast, I'd drown it,
    the more I'd cry the more I'd die,
    a foreign mind and pouring eyes-
    truth is I think it's a coffin,
    your eyes, that smile I'd get lost in,
    I was addicted and died when I 'got it',
    what was opened, closed and I overdosed
    soul alone, cold and broke even tho I know it's 'no',
    feeling you was like a lonely ghost,
    I ask myself what I used to be,
    but it's like...you in dreams....
    something's different and new to me...
    And I'm just used to you,
    see?

    I knew I had a thing for you, I never lost it, (really..)
    we fought and fought, lord to my heart; you conquered,
    wrought inside, rot and writhing with terror,
    when it rains, I'm stuck and I hide in the weather,
    so much so the it'd be the less I'd feel,
    in desperate need of something real,
    at the end of the day we're all human,
    you're the song when I'm playin this music,
    I'm breaking down, I can't hide the pain,
    I learned to lie and every night I'd try again,
    and hide my face

    final chapter, the book is ending,
    the read through was mean, too.
    I had to think and I seen the ending,
    linear as fuck, I tried to bend it,
    avatar to a story I couldn't control,
    a force with a porcelain hold,
    it's like, I still have feelings for you,
    I still love it too, but I can't,
    I can't be this way being the truth.
    We're all human inside,
    we love, we live,
    do it and die.
    I'm a depressed happy cunt. Don't fuck with me. I love you, but I'm crazy.[/I]


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  2. #2
    Coal to the furnace Cody Phoenix's Avatar
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    I'm a depressed happy cunt. Don't fuck with me. I love you, but I'm crazy.[/I]


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  3. #3
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
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    Re: Human

    love the writing here. so many awesome individual lines:

    I miss the way I felt about you,
    a haunting way to start off a piece.

    I love to love but you loved to play,
    clever

    but my favorite line was this:
    And I'm just used to you,
    . i've always felt matters of the heart are habit based. not entirely but, certainly the after effect, undoubtedly. very simple and concise there.

    i noticed there were lots of repetition being implemented in this piece. I felt it reinforced the longing sentiment as memories are being played over and over and over again. And when is aid repetition, i don't just mean "words" per se, but the idea. And that's where i kind of became a bit detached.

    The sentiment i felt was too thick. If i'm correct, this piece was a bout a ghost who long for his former life and love? thats what i got out of it. And the tone to me was very....with no disrespect intended....whiny lol. I felt the majority of the piece was a long elaborate way of saying "I miss you". Of course on the bright side, it gave room for you to flip and twist the english lexicon like a finely tune verbal gymnast.

    I really dug this piece, not because of the concept, but the execution. The enviable turn of phrase, the terse approach packing some powerful emotional punch...all stuff i try to do in my writing. look forward to our collaboration.

    p.s. if i misinterpreted the piece, definitely feel free to explain it as i'm curious to know the underlying concept, if there are any.

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  4. #4
    Coal to the furnace Cody Phoenix's Avatar
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    Re: Human

    Quote Originally Posted by Sammy View Post
    love the writing here. so many awesome individual lines:


    a haunting way to start off a piece.


    clever

    but my favorite line was this: . i've always felt matters of the heart are habit based. not entirely but, certainly the after effect, undoubtedly. very simple and concise there.

    i noticed there were lots of repetition being implemented in this piece. I felt it reinforced the longing sentiment as memories are being played over and over and over again. And when is aid repetition, i don't just mean "words" per se, but the idea. And that's where i kind of became a bit detached.

    The sentiment i felt was too thick. If i'm correct, this piece was a bout a ghost who long for his former life and love? thats what i got out of it. And the tone to me was very....with no disrespect intended....whiny lol. I felt the majority of the piece was a long elaborate way of saying "I miss you". Of course on the bright side, it gave room for you to flip and twist the english lexicon like a finely tune verbal gymnast.

    I really dug this piece, not because of the concept, but the execution. The enviable turn of phrase, the terse approach packing some powerful emotional punch...all stuff i try to do in my writing. look forward to our collaboration.

    p.s. if i misinterpreted the piece, definitely feel free to explain it as i'm curious to know the underlying concept, if there are any.
    I greatly appreciate that you got the metaphoric language in its finest undertone, you perceived it correctly but you missed that human aspect I provided; It's about my ex and how I'm coping with her, sleeping at night and I cant break the image I'm used to, the seething pain of lost love, etc... You got it tho... it's a ghost in the shell of a man who used to have that. A ghost, of sorts.
    I'm a depressed happy cunt. Don't fuck with me. I love you, but I'm crazy.[/I]


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  5. #5
    bobericc _Lyrics's Avatar
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    Re: Human

    Hey Cody! I thought this was an alright lost love piece, I do have to say I was leaning to your first verse as being the best, I likes the darkness/heart is line. The second verse gave a more in depth perspective into the dynamics of the relationship, the flow was pretty good, I do think the imagery could be tightened up to describe her a bit more and maybe some more personalized situations between you both to bring some stronger characteristics to play. Anyways I appreciated the sentiments, thanks for the read!
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  6. #6
    Coal to the furnace Cody Phoenix's Avatar
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    Re: Human

    Quote Originally Posted by _Lyrics View Post
    Hey Cody! I thought this was an alright lost love piece, I do have to say I was leaning to your first verse as being the best, I likes the darkness/heart is line. The second verse gave a more in depth perspective into the dynamics of the relationship, the flow was pretty good, I do think the imagery could be tightened up to describe her a bit more and maybe some more personalized situations between you both to bring some stronger characteristics to play. Anyways I appreciated the sentiments, thanks for the read!
    Thank you for the feedback!
    I'm a depressed happy cunt. Don't fuck with me. I love you, but I'm crazy.[/I]


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  7. #7
    tha pendragon mal diction's Avatar
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    Re: Human

    I miss the way I felt about you,
    I'm a puzzle missing a piece without you,
    I hate the day, I love my sleep and fade away,
    I dream about you, I dream and change the pain,

    I miss you, I really do,
    close my eyes and I'm hearing you,
    I loved you, I was madly-mad about it,
    I took it out on the past I had without it,
    diving deep just to pass it fast, I'd drown it,
    the more I'd cry the more I'd die,
    a foreign mind and pouring eyes-
    truth is I think it's a coffin,
    your eyes, that smile I'd get lost in,
    I was addicted and died when I 'got it',
    what was opened, closed and I overdosed
    this is about hiphop to me...
    aka Sorrow: the Broken Wing

  8. #8
    Coal to the furnace Cody Phoenix's Avatar
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    Re: Human

    Quote Originally Posted by Elegant Elephant View Post
    this is about hiphop to me...
    Hey, you're getting it, fam!
    I'm a depressed happy cunt. Don't fuck with me. I love you, but I'm crazy.[/I]


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  9. #9
    Soule
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    Re: Human

    A very natural piece. I'm assuming this could be the lyrics to an audio track you've done or plan on doing? I've read pieces by you that were much different and less natural which is why the style change makes me assume these are lyrics and not just a "topical" verse. Either way though, very well done Cody. Rhyme scheme could've been a little more exciting but that's really my only big qualm about the read. The piece was very real and I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this can relate to the concept. I like it man, come back and write more everyday for the rest of your life.


    Favorite lines:

    final chapter, the book is ending,
    the read through was mean, too.

  10. #10
    Coal to the furnace Cody Phoenix's Avatar
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    Re: Human

    Thank you for the feed @El Villain
    I'm a depressed happy cunt. Don't fuck with me. I love you, but I'm crazy.[/I]


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  11. #11
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Venom's Avatar
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    Re: Human

    It's pretty hard to be justified in criticizing a piece that is on a personal note, it's your experience not ours. It is what it is. Can the technical part of it be broken down and inspected, sure. Should it be? I'm not so sure. As someone who is familiar with your work, work that at least 90% of the time speaks for itself, I think it's a safe bet to say you achieved what you wanted too with this so I'll leave this by saying thanks for the read.

  12. #12
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Re: Human

    I felt that this could be related to numerous things and the focus is dealing with actions and outcomes. The wording was as such to carry feelings and emotions to its full potential. I like drops that almost come of conversation like. It takes skill to pull that off because done wrong and it comes off like a q and a session. Even though the last verse speaks more to metamorphosis like a Caterpillar to a butterfly you really gave off that feeling that the past should be that. Nice shit.


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    Best Topical Writer: 143

  13. #13
    Coal to the furnace Cody Phoenix's Avatar
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    Re: Human

    Thank you 143

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