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Thread: imprint

  1. #1
    SirVent
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    imprint

    forget my name
    as it escapes from your lips.
    embraced by your thighs
    my neck twists
    your legs turn.

    the night is gone,
    and so are you.
    followed by a
    silhouette
    of cigarette smoke.

    broken glasses
    remnants of whiskey
    stained
    the pages of
    your favorite book.

    I trace the edges
    of the dog eared pages
    trying to find
    your finger prints.
    but they're lost in the words.

    just an imprint
    on my mind,
    the echo of your
    goodbye.

  2. #2
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: imprint

    Damn homie idk why this hasn't received a kick of feed. I enjoyed this throughly. The only bit I can truly knitpick is the opener. The imagery used just really connect with me in the same way that the rest of this did. Almost is if you were just warming up to the topic. It also felt a bit out of place against the theme of the rest of the poem. Almost not needed. My favorite bit was the dog eared pages part loved the way you put that stanza and the one before it together. Really a highlight for me. And the closer was filled with melancholy really drove home the disparity and loneliness of the previous lines. I dug it. Keep at it homie

    AI

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  3. #3
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: imprint

    forget my name
    as it escapes from your lips.
    embraced by your thighs
    my neck twists
    your legs turn.


    Wow. A lot going on here emotionally. You're telling her to forget your name, even as she says it.
    And that seems to be taking place in the heat of the moment.
    Interesting situation you've got going. '...my neck twists...your legs turn...' I like it.

    the night is gone,
    and so are you.
    followed by a
    silhouette
    of cigarette smoke.


    I like the imagery you've got here with the silhouette of smoke.
    And I also like the kind of mysteriousness about how she vanished into the night....after the dirty deed of course ; )

    broken glasses
    remnants of whiskey
    stained
    the pages of
    your favorite book.


    You're able to form mental images well Jukon. The visions of arguments and fights are overwhelming just with that one line of '...broken glasses
    remnants of whiskey...'. So few words yet the picture is huge and packed with possibilities. I wonder what her favourite book is? I like that the pages got stained though, makes it seem like the fight was insane and just takes things to another level.

    I trace the edges
    of the dog eared pages
    trying to find
    your finger prints.
    but they're lost in the words.


    It's almost like I'm looking at a ghost.
    There's an eerie presence looming when I read those words.
    The atmosphere is different. It's almost as if I can see you touching those pages in that quiet room.
    Good job.

    just an imprint
    on my mind,
    the echo of your
    goodbye.


    Lovely outro. Sort of hits that last nail into the coffin. '...the echo of your goodbye...' is gold.
    Nice work here Juke. You have a tone that's elegant even if your words don't drip silk and satin,
    there's still a smoothness that to me is obvious.
    You're able to flavour tone with grace and style.
    There's a beauty and charm in the pain displayed.
    I'm a sucker for it.

    Great read.


    Thank you.
    Last edited by Emily; June 5th, 2017 at 02:08 AM


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  4. #4
    SirVent
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    Re: imprint

    Thanks @Truth Iscariot and @Emily

    I appreciate it. Truth, I'll hit a piece of yours up soon

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  5. #5

    Re: imprint

    You are the king of this short structure. You pack so much into so little
    Like a haiku but so structured and restrained. You have this free flowing
    Tone going on here that I dig. Always enjoy reading your stuff brih
    DamNation

  6. #6
    SirVent
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    Re: imprint

    Feed coming to you too @Fatrick Swayze

    Appreciate it

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  7. #7

    Re: imprint

    Quote Originally Posted by Fatrick Swayze View Post
    You are the king of this short structure. You pack so much into so little
    Like a haiku but so structured and restrained. You have this free flowing
    Tone going on here that I dig. Always enjoy reading your stuff brih
    I meant NOT so structured and restrained. Lol

    Anyway let me add since I'm here. Great imagery as well. Can I say though that
    You seem to always write in a gloomy tone but some how yo manage to not make that
    The foca point, instead your words come off concise and well written. Thanks again ju ju bean
    DamNation

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! walkerblack's Avatar
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    Re: imprint

    I just wanted to compliment you on that second stanza. It stood out to me a great deal. The imagery is strong and delivery smooth. very nice

  9. #9
    The Wind Sings TheIllyricist's Avatar
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    Re: imprint

    You've probably got the best stop and go short flow poetry on this site. Crisp, concise, most of the time I like the words you slice. So Juke, how many different girls are you remembering man cus' I swear to god there's always some broken hearted romance and memory shit going on here you fuckin heartbreaker you, or perhaps she is. Anyway, lmao, enough speculation, no time for gossip in here.

    The dog-eared pages stanza was my favorite because it has the most unique choices of words and poetic image. I could feel the texture of the pages on my fingers, and even if you can only succeed doing that in one stanza, you do more than most people attempt to do with poetry. There's a lot of texture to this, and it left an imprint on me.

    Yeah, that joke was too easy to avoid using.

    Love the sexual intensity and the raw passion, and the feelings of ghosts of the past.
    “Those whom life does not cure death will. The world is quite ruthless in selecting between the dream and the reality, even where we will not. Between the wish and the thing the world lies waiting.”

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