Perched

[Fatrick Swayze]

Cliff diving perched against the wind
Heart slipping off my sleeve as I loose grip
Pockets full of hope digging deep in the lint
Spreading my fingers until i drown reaching
As my brow drys my eyes sore along the backdrop
It's hot, smoldering sun rays beam through
Each cloud layer, as high as the next, it's got me vexed

[Emily]

Nice way to open this up Fatt.
Cool intro.
Also that second line is cool with the metaphor doing favours for the early stage of story telling.
I like the emotional aspect you were able to bring but also the descriptive element makes the story
come alive. You've done a great job making the imagery in that pic work for this piece.
It's a great picture by the way.
You've got line after line of commentary and it's almost like the reader is there with you.
There are some really nice lines in this but my favourite line is easily the outro.
Stunning the way this goes out.

Each cloud layer, as high as the next, it's got me vexed

Yep. That's beautiful. Especially that underlined bit.
As usual, nice work here Fatt.

Great read.

Thank you

[Truth Iscariot]

Really liked this. I wish it was longer though. Imagery and fluidity were probably your two strongest points here. Kick ass opener btw however I wonder if you meant to use 'loose' instead of 'lose". The 3rd line really struck me as well. Once again filled with imagery and I just love the way it sounds. 4th line played well into the 3rd. The 5th line was your least best worded one. It felt a bit awkward to me. (Super high though I'll read sober later) maybe it needed punctuation? Liked the closing lines. And I dug that little rhyme at the end. Also how vexed adds to the atmosphere but that part comes across as if you're speaking to the reader.

Good shit Fatt.

[Fatrick Swayze]

Thanks guys. I'll probably at to this later.

[Poeta Demonio]

Short and sweet! This is really nice man. I think this works perfectly as a short poem as it examines an emotional microcosm of a moment in time. Very cleverly worded to play on the different levels of meaning, from the suicide angle to the cliff being a metaphorical descent into mental illness. This is masterfully written in terms of sensual engagement, using your firm grasp of imagery to make the poem have physical momentum as opposed to suggested movement. So 'spreading fingers' 'eyes sore' become powerful grounding phrases that bring the poem to life, presenting real, tangible images to your reader IS in essence what engages them in the first place... a sense of identity being found within a creative work. You sir, are very very talented when it comes to painting a clear vivid picture in the readers mind. So awesome. HOF vote

[Sammy]

i feel like i've read this before. do you write anywhere else? anyways this is pretty great. the alternating themes flowed in and out smoothly and with purpose. the one issue i had was the clothing theme that populated the earlier segment. It really stood out because its such an obvious concept but it didn't fit the nature theme of the piece. HOWEVER, as a concept on its own, its ill as fuck. Pocket full of hope digging deep in the lint. <---crazy

overall a dope piece and great command of languge. props.

[Fatrick Swayze]

i feel like i've read this before. do you write anywhere else? anyways this is pretty great. the alternating themes flowed in and out smoothly and with purpose. the one issue i had was the clothing theme that populated the earlier segment. It really stood out because its such an obvious concept but it didn't fit the nature theme of the piece. HOWEVER, as a concept on its own, its ill as fuck. Pocket full of hope digging deep in the lint. <---crazy

overall a dope piece and great command of languge. props.

@Sammy yes I'm INNOVATOR ON NC LOL

[Sammy]

@Sammy yes I'm INNOVATOR ON NC LOL

OH shit, innovator, whats good, brutha! i knew i've read that piece before, haha.

[Fatrick Swayze]

Ain't shit sitting here going back and forth thru sites lol thanks for the feed homie.

[Jukon]

Solid piece here Fatt. Short, concise, it did end a little abruptly for me but I see you wrote you might add to it later. It's fine how it is, though. I'm sort of thinking the abrupt ending was intentional. I dig the "heart slipping off my sleeve" concept, took a cliche phrase and made it a little fresher and gave it a dark image. I'm with Sammy on the clothing/ nature issues, but I don't think it takes anything away from the piece as a whole. First 3 lines were really great and it read so easily. 4th line had great content but the 5th line was a little clustered.

Anyway, nothing too negative to say. I really enjoyed this short piece, and truthfully I think it's great as is.