clouds

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Thread: clouds

  1. #1
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    clouds

    you've breathed life
    into baggage


    take me from here to there

    if i could have you...
    id take you to the mountain
    to sit on the edge
    to show you how i feel
    how every little move could be your last
    how fresh air rejuvenates
    how love is everything

    i only feel euphoria when i breath in your name
    no pain... no shame

    you make me beautifully numb


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  2. #2
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: clouds

    This was short, sweet, and beautiful. A lot like Emily Dickinson your poems always remain concise but shave so much power in terms of making the reader see and feel as you do. Each bit packs a wallop, the opener was perfect. I love the contradiction put on display as well as the personification of inanimate object. It really drives home that there was no life in the storyteller before this person walked into their life. The next line plays well into the opening two. Just top notch how each section stands apart very independent from the rest yet it all remains so cohesive. The mountain stanza had a different pace to it. Much more urgent and sudden but some of your best descriptions thought the refreshing air/love is everything lines were awesome. Loved the last 3. Unique choice of words with "beautifully" numb you always keep the reader on their toes. Good writing as always Em. Great to see you drop something
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    Nigga tale it to Chaucer..

  3. #3
    SirVent
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    Re: clouds

    You don't post much anymore, but that makes the times you do post that much more enjoyable. The opener was great, baggage with the negative connotation but with the first line, it doesn't seem so bad. Baggage is something we all carry, so for someone to breathe life, into something we're forced to carry, well actually, is that good or bad? Lol, it can be perceived as "you've brought my baggage back to life" or "you've given me something else to look forward to rather than dealing with this burden" you feel me? Anyway, the tone, for me, is airy. Free flowing. Just like the image you paint with the mountains. But it's also dark, because of the line about "every little move could be your last" it's that adrenaline rush, that one person can give you.

    Idk I'm rambling. I liked it. Thanks for sharing. I want you
    To post more.

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  4. #4
    The Wind Sings TheIllyricist's Avatar
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    Re: clouds

    First thing I imagined was the soft breath of wind exhaling life into a plastic bag laying abandoned on some no-name schoolyard. The bag, then being lifted into the air full of fresh new perspective, travels from the schoolyard to the baseball fields to the forests to the whispering streams all the way to the open plains and then the snow-kissed mountains.

    The clouds have a viewpoint of life that we mortals cannot comprehend. We try, but we won't, and strangely in this tragedy of misunderstanding we discover happiness and beauty, sadness and ugliness, there cannot be one without the other.

    The voice of the clouds, or perhaps the voice of God? The repetition of this piece was strongly executed in terms of pace, and that pace delivered the rush of the feelings you seemed to want to evoke. Good piece, Em, thanks for putting my head in the clouds.
    “Those whom life does not cure death will. The world is quite ruthless in selecting between the dream and the reality, even where we will not. Between the wish and the thing the world lies waiting.”

  5. #5
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Re: clouds

    You bring out something that I can see more than one image. I could go literal and see a couple on the coast looking outward and reminiscing and reflecting. The crispness of the air, the stillness in the movement of everything else. But again I am drawn to see a couple in bed, early morning, under the covers and looking at each other wondering how did they both get there. How can I tell the other that I love him/her unconditionally. I like that you invoke that in me when reading this. I rarely find works that bring multiple images that all fit. The genius in this is the fact that as short it is, the concentration of emotions and representations which forces you to feel what's going on. Nice....


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    Best Topical Writer: 143

  6. #6
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
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    Re: clouds

    is this about smoking weed? lol. anyways, thanks, em, for the feed, always appreciate it and here to rtf.

    i picture a lonely girl sitting at the edge of a cliff absorbing the world around her. this was a bit of a departure from your usual style (at least from what i've observe). You often wrap your piece in layered metaphors but this piece had a very nice grounded vibe about it. No fancy wordplay was needed as the objective of the piece was simply to describe an experience.

    My fav line was

    to sit on the edge
    to show you how i feel
    how every little move could be your last
    this love for danger easily paints a person who yearn (or maybe lack) for it. Perhaps absorbed in a life of mundane practices - love how the notion of a cloud can be such an off-kilter analogy for "unpredictable"? but then when you think about it, it makes so much sense. it goes where the wind takes it. great piece, Em. thanks for sharing

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  7. #7
    SirVent
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    Re: clouds

    You

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  8. #8
    Jedi Forks. Fatrick Swayze's Avatar
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    Re: clouds

    I miss this place
    DamNation

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