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Thread: Midnight

  1. #1
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
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    Midnight

    "Midnight"

    Time crumbled around her.
    Foghorn booming through eternity’s mouth
    Burning the house that Cindy built
    with pink and lavender clouds
    Her haven, a safe and sacred ground of sweetest sixteen
    Prince Charming strolling about, Upon a steed of esteem
    Critters concede to whimsical needs
    But change was around...

    Clock winding down
    As midnight stroke reality’s arrogance
    From “fair” to just merely a….
    semblance of skin and flesh
    Bottled up retrospect, the reflections’ unclear
    Pour nostalgia in a glass slipper, hope the taste is still there

    She waited in tears. She waded in tears.
    She miss it…
    40 now;
    Magic fountain dissolves into a sink full of dishes
    Though she insists magic exists, what she’s missing is effort
    Past participle perspective.
    She's stuck in a tensed state
    Rear view disposition.
    Accident in the making
    You can't move forward while looking back
    Windshields scattered the pavements….

    15 to midnight..

    She cruise ..
    the Boulevard of broken dreams
    Collecting shards...to cut herself
    With glimpse of those obscene..
    hopes. It seems..
    her purpose? To know. To feel again.
    Making sure those moments were “real” again.

    - - - Updated - - -

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...494496-Perched
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...8-Mother-s-Day

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  2. #2
    The Wind Sings TheIllyricist's Avatar
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    Re: Midnight

    Finally getting some feed on this.

    So, what I dig here is the twist on Cinderella. I've seen the contemplations of an idealistic dream life built by Hollywood-like expectations shattered for a young girl growing up before, so on that front I can't say it's the most original theme I've ever seen. But in this day, it's difficult to be wholly original, and perhaps originality as an idea is (or perhaps always has been) outdated within the confines of its limited scope that doesn't realize that an idea is always original because of the infinite pathways it can be constructed.

    I digress. This twist of Cindy on her pathway through life, being like a car ride that begins with fantasy-esque pinks and lavenders. Princes and princesses. True love that comes for her without any effort to find that happiness for herself. The chances came, but she didn't know enough that they were in fact, chances. So those chances withered and died until she was too old, and old enough to realize from the sudden impact of her car-wreck, her shattered world-view brutally cutting her up. I'm unsure if Midnight was meant to be used with quotations at the top for a purpose, but if so, then those quotations give off a sarcastic and biting commentary on the idea itself. As always, I typically enjoy your wordplays.

    "Fair" - loved this. Brought to mind the fair haired maiden. There's a lot of cool tropes of classical poetry and fairytale re-visited here.

    I'd consider re-visiting 'foghorns booming through eternity's mouth' and 'critters concede to whimsical needs'. Do these do anything for the work? Do they fit within the tone? I found them somewhat off-putting to tone of the lines surrounding theme. The rhyming used simply because it flowed rather than mattering to the subject matter. Could be a Snow White allusion? But, the exterior lines don't follow in that pattern. We're focused on Midnight and Cindy/Cinderella.

    Wait, never-mind. I do remember there were some critters in cinderella. Lol, been a long time since I last saw it. However, I stand by my judgment on its strange halt of structural flow. 'But change was around' felt like a weak ending compared to the rest.

    Solid work, Sammy, real solid. Possibly the best work I see on the front page here.
    “Those whom life does not cure death will. The world is quite ruthless in selecting between the dream and the reality, even where we will not. Between the wish and the thing the world lies waiting.”

  3. #3
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
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    Re: Midnight

    @TheIllyricist thank you, sir. I will return the favor shortly

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  4. #4
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Midnight

    Time crumbled around her.
    What a great line to start with Sammy.
    Foghorn booming through eternity’s mouth
    Foghorn is such an ugly sound. But I do love the rest of that sentence. I've gotta say it gives off some strong imagery.
    Burning the house that Cindy built
    I've read this piece a few times now. I'd just like to say this is still my favourite line. I adore this line. It's so bitter-sweet and tbh,
    its only a small line, but to me it's a huge paragraph of pictures. It's tone is stunning.
    But I also think pace works for it wonderfully. It leaves an eerie silence and that's great for atmosphere.

    with pink and lavender clouds
    Her haven, a safe and sacred ground of sweetest sixteen
    I think the colours and language stack on layers. As you build it up, the richer it gets with vivid,
    striking graphics that play in my mind.

    Prince Charming strolling about, Upon a steed of esteem
    lol congrats for not bringing the white horse out for a little gallop. And congrats also for talking about his confidence.
    Critters concede to whimsical needs
    It's like I can see that Disney movie played out right up to the singing bluebirds.
    But change was around...
    Nice way to end this stanza. It leaves us with a pause effect. Great pace.

    Clock winding down
    As midnight stroke reality’s arrogance
    Cool wording here Sammy, especially that second line. 'Reality's arrogance' is just beautiful.
    From “fair” to just merely a….
    semblance of skin and flesh
    : ( Poor Cindy. This is a great way to take this story. I've never even thought about this angle.
    Bottled up retrospect, the reflections’ unclear
    Pour nostalgia in a glass slipper, hope the taste is still there
    Yeah, that's cool. Nice twist of words too with the glass slipper and her reflecting.

    She waited in tears. She waded in tears.
    She miss it…
    40 now;
    Magic fountain dissolves into a sink full of dishes
    lol, bring on...real life.
    Though she insists magic exists, what she’s missing is effort
    Past participle perspective.
    I like the alliteration here.
    She's stuck in a tensed state
    Rear view disposition.
    Accident in the making
    You can't move forward while looking back
    Windshields scattered the pavements….
    You just shattered every little girls dream. Well, not so much you, more Disney and their stories.
    But I gotta say, that last line was great. 'Windshields scattered the pavements' is jam packed with so much, it overflows imagery.


    15 to midnight..

    She cruise ..
    the Boulevard of broken dreams
    Collecting shards...to cut herself
    Cinderella's a cutter? Very cool.
    With glimpse of those obscene..
    hopes. It seems..
    her purpose? To know. To feel again.
    Making sure those moments were “real” again.
    Ok. I wonder how she'll do that? I wonder what will happen. I'm kind of wishing this went on for a little longer
    because I'd like to hear more.


    Sammy, once more I'm sorry for the late feed. It's either a feast or a famine with me it seems at times.
    I do like what you wrote. I like the flip on a fairy tale, sending it into today's world.
    I'm kind of wondering if she ends up with meth mouth or rehab or in I.C.U at this point.
    I like that you took such an innocent tale and totally bastardized it to such an extent that
    I could actually see it go from hero to zero in a matter of seconds. You had amazing pace in some areas and that totally worked for me. Some of the wording etched marks deep into my imagination.
    I think you started off quite strong and the middle part followed suit nicely, but I would have preferred a stronger outro. Something about the outro seems a tad soft and didn't hit me hard enough in order to leave a mark lol, ugh, I'm not into physical abuse but I'd like to feel like this chick just copped a major slap in her near future. and it missed that mark by a tiny little bit. That's the only negative I've got. The rest was a joy ride for me.
    Nice work Sammy.


    Great Read.



    Thank you.
    Last edited by Emily; June 22nd, 2017 at 11:46 PM


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  5. #5
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
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    Re: Midnight

    thanks, Ill and Em! Ur both beautiful people

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  6. #6
    SirVent
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    Re: Midnight

    Just stopping by to say I like this
    And I'll feed it better on Sunday

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

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