User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: i remember

  1. #1
    SirVent
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Texas
    Age
    34
    Posts
    6,642
    Battle Record
    13-2
    Awards PS Champion/IE Champion Haiku Champion OM HOF PC HOF SOTW

    i remember

    i remember
    the nights we spent
    chasing wishes;
    it never ended well.
    wasted coins
    we tasted rain
    in the eye of the storm.

    i felt
    protected
    by your words.
    dressed up by
    your lips,
    but your tongue
    still sharp.

    on the precipice of nothingness
    my eyes swallow darkness
    holding on to phantom
    breaths,
    as the lantern shifts,
    to spotlight our flaws.
    catching the glint
    of your broken lips,
    you froze in the midst
    of finding happiness.

    and you let it
    walk
    away.

  2. #2
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    10,394
    Battle Record
    18-1
    Awards OM HOF PS Champion/IE Champion PS HOF PS Season champ Legendary PC PC HOF

    Re: i remember

    This is really nice man. Clever opening with the double nostalgia in the first two lines and I found the wishes/well scheme tasty! I'm not sure if you were going for this with the smaller sized 'wasted coins' but I took it as something I also love to do in my poetry by making that essentially signify small print to terms and conditions! If so, dope, I love that shit! I feel you possibly eased off a little early in the opening to the second stanza and approached it with less strength and presence, but it leads into a beautiful piece of imagery in 'dressed up by your lips'... that is an amazing line! Completely organic and centering to the piece. Precipice of nothingness is also fucking delicious! Fuck swallowing darkness, I nearly swallowed my tongue when I read that shit haha real dope. I wasn't so keen on the latter few lines, but I feel overall this is a really solid piece and I highly enjoyed the read.
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  3. #3
    SirVent
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Texas
    Age
    34
    Posts
    6,642
    Battle Record
    13-2
    Awards PS Champion/IE Champion Haiku Champion OM HOF PC HOF SOTW

    Re: i remember

    Thanks @Poeta Demonio yes the well/ wishes was intentional glad you caught it

    I'll return the feed soon

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  4. #4
    Landed Emily's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    4,492
    Battle Record
    2-2
    Awards MOTM PC HOF

    Re: i remember

    i remember
    the nights we spent
    chasing wishes;
    That's quite romantic. I like those lines a lot. Something special about the words 'chasing wishes'.
    it never ended well.
    wasted coins
    Cool reference here.
    we tasted rain
    another great line here. 'tasted rain' gives off nice imagery.
    in the eye of the storm.
    Wow. now you've just upped the ante on the caliber of their troubles.
    They're in the eye of the storm. I like how you've described that.
    There's no denying the extent of the troubles ahead.


    i felt
    protected
    by your words.
    Nice. I like it.
    dressed up by
    your lips,
    Stunning line here. Dressed up by your lips...is sensational.
    but your tongue
    still sharp.
    Interesting mix she brings. Shaky ground though.

    on the precipice of nothingness
    my eyes swallow darkness
    These two lines belong together like twins. They're wonderful and work well to give off so much imagery and fill my
    imagination with different potential scenarios.

    holding on to phantom
    breaths,
    as the lantern shifts,
    to spotlight our flaws.
    I think you work tone beautifully Jukon. Tone and pace. Even the way you drop your words down a line to show
    how you want the pace spaced (if that even makes sense) works visually for me.

    catching the glint
    of your broken lips,
    you froze in the midst
    of finding happiness.
    Harsh sounding words like...glint, broken, froze, all add to the climate, the flavour when spicing up this piece.
    Your words, like ingredients, give us a rich taste of what you're talking about, with an aura that's deep in spirit.


    and you let it
    walk
    away.

    This kills me. This outro is wonderfully heartbreaking.
    You've managed to make me feel like I'm dangled from the side of a building, and somehow I've managed to balance,
    and just when I think I've got a place to put my foot and push myself back where I should be, I let go.

    This was wonderful Jukon.
    You manage to take me out of red, and put me in blue. You can take me out of white, and put me in black.
    You seem to be able to make me any colour you wish.
    You're writing is elegantly dramatic. Little details scattered that mold a bigger picture.
    It invokes reactions and peels emotions back like old paint on a wall.
    With few words, you're still able to leave me with a sense or richness.

    This was beautiful.


    Thank you.


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! walkerblack's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Long Beach, CA
    Posts
    54
    Awards PC HOF

    Re: i remember

    I just really want to compliment you on the last stanza there...
    That shit is crazy poetical and the imagery made me feel like that was me there "on the precipice of nothingness," about to jump.

    They always say a great writer envelops their reader & you did that, so that's pretty cool.
    greetings netizens

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •