Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

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Thread: Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

  1. #1
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    Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

    Little Cherub
    By Joe Boston and El Villain



    "I'm sorry sir, but your son isn't going to make it,
    the cancer in his lungs has overcome other places."


    First time i held you was life changing, my heart beat at a rapid pace,
    see your silhouette in the clouds of a torrential downpour and wipe away those first tears from your face.
    I paced back and forth waiting for my bundle of joy, moments later screamed its a Boy!
    At night i sleep alone in your room as you beg me to play with your favorite toy.
    Completely destroyed, only emotion i can describe, still wait for you at the bottom of every park slide,
    it tears me in two, no more peekaboo or opened kitchen cabinets for your little self to hide.
    I'm going to guide you through life, show you the difference of right and wrong,
    the roads along are risky but we can sing ABCs or the itsy bitsy spider song.
    People in reality tell me you're gone... i'm stubborn i don't want to hear,
    you were never there in that incubator struggling for your last breath of air.
    I give my sincere apologies, maybe i wasn't there to play a father role,
    I promise i'm going to show up to your game and watch you score that first goal.
    Don't worry my poor little soul, daddy will turn on some Paw Patrol,
    I know you're ecstatic because tomorrow i'm gonna show you how to use your new fishing pole.
    A hole is left inside me... my son did you vanish?
    Before you go let me fix you your favorite; a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
    I don't understand this, i see you when you're awake and when your eyes are closed,
    Guess now you're gone i suppose, those memories of you being my baby i'll visit heaven to show you those.

    I can still hear him laugh and I can still hear him cry,
    first I lost my wife and now my son disappears into the light."


    I wake up seven days a week, lately it seems like I'm just afraid and weak,
    lost my son and became a freak, tainted meat for the wolves to maybe eat.
    I'm crazy, see, I keep having these amazing dreams that my son still breathes,
    but without these pills I need, he'd just be a memory filled with guilt and grief.
    Why didn't God kill me, give him to a family that was wealthy and cared,
    healthy and fair, instead I'm all alone in a home that's overwhelming and bare.
    I keep whelping, scared, I can see him running down the hall,
    bound to fall, bouncing that brown ball loudly, the sound stalled.
    "It's okay daddy, I'm here now, it wasn't your fault,"
    His words jault, this can't be real but my hurt halts.
    He vanishes but I can still hear his laughter, God is a bastard,
    my heart is a disaster but my brain is the one rereading chapters.
    "Daddy, let's play in my room, please -- just a game or two?"
    My pain, it blooms, as I'm tempted to make a noose...
    Could I break so soon even though my son's whispers lace my shoes?
    If I could embrace the truth, then the doctors wouldn't restrain me too.

    "Unfortunately, this patient has lost every sense of reality,
    creating a world with his family from a glimpse of fallacy."

  2. #2
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    Re: Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

    Can this get some feed

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    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

    Quote Originally Posted by Joe Boston View Post
    Can this get some feed
    yep
    tonight Joe.


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  4. #4
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    Re: Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

    Quote Originally Posted by Emily View Post
    yep
    tonight Joe.
    Sounds like a good time thanks lmao

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Emily View Post
    yep
    tonight Joe.
    Sounds like a good time thanks lmao

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    Re: Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

    Quote Originally Posted by Joe Boston View Post
    Sounds like a good time thanks lmao
    Sorry Joe, busy day at work.
    Itll be the first thing i feed tomorrow, i promise.


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  6. #6
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

    I'm sorry sir, but your son isn't going to make it,
    the cancer in his lungs has overcome other places."
    Johnny: I like the intro. 'other places' seems a tad ordinary.
    Doctors would use the word 'metastasized' or 'spread'.
    I'm obviously being picky though.

    Joe:

    First time i held you was life changing, my heart beat at a rapid pace,
    see your silhouette in the clouds of a torrential downpour and wipe away those first tears from your face.

    Nice Joe. Even though that second line is stretched, it works beautifully for me. I didn't have any flow issues at all.
    But it's the sentiment that does it justice here. You've touched on something heartfelt and it shows. Nice one.

    I paced back and forth waiting for my bundle of joy, moments later screamed its a Boy!
    At night i sleep alone in your room as you beg me to play with your favorite toy.

    From the spirit world Joe? Obviously from the spirit world huh.
    Completely destroyed, only emotion i can describe, still wait for you at the bottom of every park slide,
    it tears me in two, no more peekaboo or opened kitchen cabinets for your little self to hide.
    I'm going to guide you through life, show you the difference of right and wrong,
    the roads along are risky but we can sing ABCs or the itsy bitsy spider song.

    That's adorable, but the tenses still confuse me a bit. That last line though about the songs,
    was very well written, as was the hiding in the cabinet line. Good stuff.
    People in reality tell me you're gone... i'm stubborn i don't want to hear,
    you were never there in that incubator struggling for your last breath of air.
    I give my sincere apologies, maybe i wasn't there to play a father role,
    I promise i'm going to show up to your game and watch you score that first goal.

    The milestones are nice to see. The first goal is also very cool.
    Don't worry my poor little soul, daddy will turn on some Paw Patrol,
    I know you're ecstatic because tomorrow i'm gonna show you how to use your new fishing pole.
    A hole is left inside me... my son did you vanish?
    Before you go let me fix you your favorite; a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
    I don't understand this, i see you when you're awake and when your eyes are closed,
    Guess now you're gone i suppose, those memories of you being my baby i'll visit heaven to show you those.

    Ok, it took me a while to get the back and forth, I understand the reflections now. It's played out like flashes.
    That's quite different Joe. Unique. I think that last line is a tad long when read, but yet again, it still manages to
    work with the flow. And once more, its the pull of heart strings that you're obviously very talented with.

    Johnny:

    I can still hear him laugh and I can still hear him cry,
    first I lost my wife and now my son disappears into the light."

    Nice wording but somethings up with the syllable count. Threw me a bit on the second line.

    I wake up seven days a week, lately it seems like I'm just afraid and weak,
    lost my son and became a freak, tainted meat for the wolves to maybe eat.

    Oh yes. Love that. Beautiful lines here. Perfect flow, pace is stunning. Great job Johnny.
    I'm crazy, see, I keep having these amazing dreams that my son still breathes,
    but without these pills I need, he'd just be a memory filled with guilt and grief.

    Rhymes are tight, packed with internals too. You've got it. It's all playing out nice and fast
    and smooth as butter.
    Why didn't God kill me, give him to a family that was wealthy and cared,
    healthy and fair, instead I'm all alone in a home that's overwhelming and bare.
    I keep whelping, scared, I can see him running down the hall,
    bound to fall, bouncing that brown ball loudly, the sound stalled.

    And here again. Really good melodies happening and all while not sacrificing the story line.
    Not an easy feat but one a talented writer can manage. Your skill set is showing.
    "It's okay daddy, I'm here now, it wasn't your fault,"
    His words jault, this can't be real but my hurt halts.
    He vanishes but I can still hear his laughter, God is a bastard,
    my heart is a disaster but my brain is the one rereading chapters.
    "Daddy, let's play in my room, please -- just a game or two?"
    My pain, it blooms, as I'm tempted to make a noose...

    Nice. I can see that playing out. The conversational bits are good too. Organic, real.
    No shadow of a put on or fake wording.
    Could I break so soon even though my son's whispers lace my shoes?
    If I could embrace the truth, then the doctors wouldn't restrain me too.

    "Unfortunately, this patient has lost every sense of reality,
    creating a world with his family from a glimpse of fallacy."



    Oh ...... what? I didnt expect that lol. That was brilliant. It was all in his mind.
    Now I understand the back and forth flickering images in Joe's verse. Guys...good stuff here.
    Very inspirational writing.
    Joe, I think you did really well. The only negative I would say for me were a couple of stretched lines here and there
    but as I said in your feed, they still didnt really hinder the piece for me. It was lovely to hear you word phrases that sounded
    so genuine and real. And Johnny, you also were able to continue Joe's imagery and story and tell it as if you were the same mind.
    Even though the style differed slightly, it still meshed well. The highlight for me was not only the lovely pace and rhymes, but the
    tone had a fatherly feel to it, but the cherry on top was by far that kick ass story line....especially that golden outro.


    Gentlemen, I loved this.
    Good work here.
    Great collab.


    Thank you.


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  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Venom's Avatar
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    Re: Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

    This was awesome. I think maybe a little polish and a reword or two here and there could benefit the piece but beyond that it was just a good damn read. Good stuff stay at it.

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    Re: Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

    Thank you both very much i thought of this through my sons perspective and put it as a visual as if i ever lost him

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  9. #9
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Re: Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

    V1

    The powerful aspect in this is the denial this character has. Each emotions that this dude is going through is heavily based as such. It pushes the rawness of the emotions past comfortableness and make you feel some type of way. All to familiar to me as I lost a Godson who I was more like a father to. Digging up feelings that I had hidden for years with this pulled up memories and made me rethink about what happened and give me a sense that the character was there too. Dope

    V2
    And with this comes the second feeling that was brought out of me. Creating the alternatives relativity understanding is the best play i seen with a collab verse. Even if it may be another character, it shifts with the changing making the first verse still relative to the overal topic which is hard because with two different writers, fluidity is often lost. Questioning everything this character holds comes to the forefront. Felt that as well personally. Why becomes a knife that twists in your back and you conveyed that beautifully. Again dopeness...

    I think that this should be up for HOF. To seamlessly unify both styles into one voice is hard as fuck and you both pull this off.


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    Best Topical Writer: 143

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    Re: Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

    Quote Originally Posted by 143 View Post
    V1

    The powerful aspect in this is the denial this character has. Each emotions that this dude is going through is heavily based as such. It pushes the rawness of the emotions past comfortableness and make you feel some type of way. All to familiar to me as I lost a Godson who I was more like a father to. Digging up feelings that I had hidden for years with this pulled up memories and made me rethink about what happened and give me a sense that the character was there too. Dope

    V2
    And with this comes the second feeling that was brought out of me. Creating the alternatives relativity understanding is the best play i seen with a collab verse. Even if it may be another character, it shifts with the changing making the first verse still relative to the overal topic which is hard because with two different writers, fluidity is often lost. Questioning everything this character holds comes to the forefront. Felt that as well personally. Why becomes a knife that twists in your back and you conveyed that beautifully. Again dopeness...

    I think that this should be up for HOF. To seamlessly unify both styles into one voice is hard as fuck and you both pull this off.
    Fuck iim very honored u think that means alot coming from one of the best writers

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  11. #11
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    Re: Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

    This is one of the best works I've ever read.

    I've done a lot of reading.

    For one thing, the storytelling aspect of this piece is fucking phenomenal -- and depressing. At eighteen in an upper class neighborhood I feel like a father whose damages are irreparable after reading this here. I really appreciate your writing style my guy.

    The internal rhyme throughout the story seamlessly blends each line into itself then into the next one. I hate to be "that guy," all particular and shit; but the final stanza I think could've used some revision in that there seem to be some extra words here and there. That's all I have to say about that

    Thanks for this,

    walker black
    greetings netizens

  12. #12
    Was a "4 stroke" A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

    That's really sad...
    ~ Too many mental health tactics are cruel and unusual. But to remember too late is even worse. I do pray for you all every day. Whether I believe it or not.

  13. #13
    bobericc _Lyrics's Avatar
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    Re: Little Cherub (Gringos Locos)

    Gringos locoss! Lol this was a very heartfelt piece, Joe I think you did a great job really bringing in some vivid imagery and had that good dad vibe, all the little references like kitchen cabinets, pb+j, park slide fishing pole you brought out lots of good childhood memories many new dads want to create with their sons. I would've liked to read more about his actual ailment in this verse to piece up him not being around to have these memories. So El villain even though your temporarily gone, you'll be back in a new alias soon so, I do have to say the flow was better than Joe, actually a long better, but it suffered from a lack of that vivid content previously, and the wording suffered to keep the multi running and in some instances felt unnatural, some felt creative too, like hurt halts and guilt and grief. The weird instances for example where wolves maybe eat,lung overcome other places. And the end quote I wasnt sure if losing his son turned him crazy and hes a patient now. That would be a good twist if cut in a bit better and i did want a bit more description about the sons cancer to help me relate to the loss more. Anyways this was a very solid topic and had some nice imagery to help the strong emotions. Thanks for the read!
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