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Thread: On the Rooftop

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! walkerblack's Avatar
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    On the Rooftop

    On the rooftop I sat,
    pen and paper in hand
    Eyes level with the treetops,
    heart elsewhere; it ran
    And all of the birds
    sang their songs of despair
    For a great cloud was coming,
    thundering anguish and swears
    And though I was ware of those birds
    and their hasty style of flight
    I stayed despite,
    for I knew not of refuge in light

    Quarter past eleven,
    when the sun was due to fly higher
    Thanks to the cloud,
    it was early that the good sun retired
    Windows rattled and clanged,
    Eurus was well on his way
    And I greeted him kindly,
    for it was his pathway I paved
    In spite of love I acted for grief and for greed
    And as raindrops proceeded to fall,
    I sat in silence as heaven cried upon me
    I stood up and shivered,
    took a look at my skin
    With a bored sort of breath did I sigh,
    for there was nothing within
    Nearer to the roof's edge,
    I started to step
    Took a looked to the ground,
    and wondered if I was ready just yet -- And right then,
    The great cloud bursted
    and its children covered the sky
    And a wonderful voice told me firmly,
    "You are not ready to die"

    After the longest departure,
    my heart had run back
    With the largest of smiles,
    I took hold of my pen and my pad
    And I proceeded to write,
    "On the rooftop I sat, pen and paper in hand..."
    greetings netizens

  2. #2
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: On the Rooftop

    You have a very commanding tone which I really enjoy. It grabs the attention of the reader whilst delivering clear, concise imagery in a simplistic yet effective way. I love the sense of time you've created in the piece. It helps the narrative flow coherently and ground the story in a concrete setting. You demonstrate some real moments of excellence in this piece. It's impressive how you've managed to take a cliche guy on a building ready to jump type of motif and create something unique on the basis that the clarity of the images you present are so descriptive that it creates a real sense of individuality in the protagonist. I really enjoyed this piece and will vote it for Hall of fame! Very well done. I keep enjoying your work! P.s drop feed for other poems in this section. It'll help get more feed coming your way
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! walkerblack's Avatar
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    Re: On the Rooftop

    Quote Originally Posted by Poeta Demonio View Post
    You have a very commanding tone which I really enjoy. It grabs the attention of the reader whilst delivering clear, concise imagery in a simplistic yet effective way. I love the sense of time you've created in the piece. It helps the narrative flow coherently and ground the story in a concrete setting. You demonstrate some real moments of excellence in this piece. It's impressive how you've managed to take a cliche guy on a building ready to jump type of motif and create something unique on the basis that the clarity of the images you present are so descriptive that it creates a real sense of individuality in the protagonist. I really enjoyed this piece and will vote it for Hall of fame! Very well done. I keep enjoying your work! P.s drop feed for other poems in this section. It'll help get more feed coming your way
    I understand. I will get on that. Thanks a lot for reading what I write and for the compliments

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