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Thread: Traitor...

  1. #1
    MAD! A Disciple's Avatar
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    Traitor...

    Do I have something to say
    No, not much
    Look how you living...
    But I'm the one out of touch?
    Just another year passed
    Another one I'll never get back
    While a bunch of people I never even met attack
    What ever the story all you had to was for once just ask me
    But I guess that's the breaks when you rather respect mass society
    It's harder to tell the truth then a lie
    And you would've seen I always had an alibi
    Couldn't take the time to care or see
    Well, then don't blame me that this is now how it be


    One link

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...Gringos-Locos)

    Two link

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...S-LACKS-A-NAME

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    CLA919

  2. #2
    bobericc _Lyrics's Avatar
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    Re: Traitor...

    Hey a disciple
    I have to say your pieces are all starting to sound similar, cryptic but emotional. By technicality the rhyme scheme was still simple and the technique want much deeper than the surface. I checked your feedback to other writers and its unacceptable, do you want people to feed your piece and give you actual critique you should take it more serious and include a bit more about your situation to help us readers out. Thanks for the read
    GreaterDesignGrowers.com

    Im not a rapper, im a gardener

  3. #3
    MAD! A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: Traitor...

    @_Lyrics as a beginner I just don't feel like I have too much to offer in forms of feedback. I only took English one time since 8th grade so that's like just naiveness to me to tell someone else how to write. I'll try to do better though.

    You didn't put me to sleep!

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  4. #4
    bobericc _Lyrics's Avatar
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    Re: Traitor...

    It doesn't take an English major to let someone know how you felt about their piece, and it'll help you get more feedback from writers if you really care what they think
    GreaterDesignGrowers.com

    Im not a rapper, im a gardener

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Venom's Avatar
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    Re: Traitor...

    I don't think there is anything wrong with the drop but it's not technically impressive in any respect. If a simplistic approach is the style that best suits you my advice would be to compensate with a longer post and by creatively using metaphors and other lit devices and weave them throughout your piece to provide more depth and by doing so in a stylish way. It's obvious if you look at artists as a whole not every one of them has complex rhyme schemes. I see potential but it needs a bit more. Hope this makes sense and keep at it.

  6. #6
    The guy below me is gay. Easy.'s Avatar
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    Re: Traitor...

    This doesn't read like a rap verse. Work on your structure. The first few lines are short; four or five words in some cases. There's also no multi-syllabic rhymes, literary devices, or internals. Reads more like free verse poem than a rap. Is that your intention? Not sure due to the brevity of the post. @_Lyrics called it cryptic, which is accurate.

    Go out and study textcees known for flow. A beginner's trick is to count your syllables and make them match. Go for around 13-15 syllables per bar, and maybe try to find some internal schemes as well. Those are building blocks for a semi-impressive verse.

  7. #7
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Re: Traitor...

    I do think that this is more of an audio piece as I can see this being spit over a nice beat. Other than the structure you brought this aspect of trying to get back at your tormentor in this. The emotion was there even though I thought that you could have gone deeper with a longer verse but as you stated, you are a beginner and you will see that you can bring out some vivid imagery by being descriptive in your writing. Keep at it and you will go a long way.


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