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Thread: Alone

  1. #1
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
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    Alone

    "Alone"
    by Sammy

    I guess you can say she's clingy
    The attraction, evident
    One-sheep flock amongst the mass.
    So well kept.
    Soft. Her cotton flesh, brightly optimistic;
    rendering needs
    Fitting a mold, touching the sole.
    Lemon scented prestige
    But we all part ways..

    Now, lost. Alone without a soul mate
    Gone; separated from the folds.
    Days..between hard time and this cold place
    It's dark. laid amongst shards of blades
    and crumbled chips. She observes roaches pushing and prodding.
    Elusive in this garden of shades.
    Asking herself, what's my part to play?
    Existing in atrophy, face hardened,
    marked in Riga mortis;
    nothing but the starch remains
    Midnight bloomed;
    She wished for a cup of Cheers; A Dawn of change
    Between the crevice, she was restless
    Nestled in awkward ways
    Bent and crimp. Bright cotton becomes minced
    ...semblance of stocking exchange

    Well hello!!
    I took her in.
    She was rough.
    But even the toughest can softened. It's Spring…
    bloom; cleaned and groomed as the cotton concedes
    Man I'm glad I found that sock behind the washing machine!

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...gic-to-Bitches
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...h-closed-eyes)

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  2. #2
    Xtermnation Xtraordinaire Genocide's Avatar
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    Re: Alone

    This couple linea read rly dope. Reminded me of some shit black D. would write. Hes a god. So thats a compliment.

    Dug the whole piece for real. That part just stood out extra smooth to me. This shit was cool man. And sure.. Im always down for somekind of flex piece shit. Send me something if you wanna write man. Pz

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Genocide View Post
    This couple linea read rly dope. Reminded me of some shit black D. would write. Hes a god. So thats a compliment.

    Dug the whole piece for real. That part just stood out extra smooth to me. This shit was cool man. And sure.. Im always down for somekind of flex piece shit. Send me something if you wanna write man. Pz
    Fitting a mold, touching the sole.
    Lemon scented prestige

    This is the qoute i was talking about. Sry i always forget you cant edit your shit here once you post. Should be fixed. I guess there is reasons
    Adolf Spitler.

  3. #3
    Super Grand Heru SELF ACTIVATE's Avatar
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    Re: Alone

    I guess you can say she's clingy
    The attraction, evident
    One-sheep flock amongst the mass.
    So well kept.
    Given the theme of the topic I think that the phrase "One-sheep flock" is very clever. Not only the language, but also the imagery and how it all ties into the overall story.

    Soft. Her cotton flesh, brightly optimistic;
    Bruh, your word choice coupled with your imagination is so next level. If people take a minute to really think about what you're saying and how it all connects I think they'll be just as blown away and floored as I am. This is a verse that demands more than just a once over. It has to be read at least 2 or 3 times to fully appreciate the approach you took and the layers/metaphors you imbedded in each line. It's not only remarkable writing, but for me it epitomizes creativity and thoughtful consideration. It's very measureds and precise. And by that I mean a lot of effort must have gone into making each line meaningful and rich in wordplay. It's like a combination of a flex verse (in terms of lyrical dexterity and skill) and poetry (in terms of depth, language, and tone).

    rendering needs
    Fitting a mold, touching the sole.
    "Touching a sole", I've used this exact same play on words ('soul'/'sole') myself, but it's your overall theme that makes your interpretation so much more impactful and impressive than my own. It suits the story's narrative so appropriately.


    Lemon scented prestige
    But we all part ways..

    Now, lost. Alone without a soul mate
    Gone; separated from the folds.
    Days..between hard time and this cold place
    It's dark. laid amongst shards of blades
    and crumbled chips. She observes roaches pushing and prodding.
    Elusive in this garden of shades.
    The way you personify this inanimate object and describe the universe around it (which I assume is somewhere beneath the washer or couch) is cool as fuck. It reminds me of the movies, 'Sausage Party', 'Toy Story' and 'The Brave Little Toaster'. Films that give us a glimpse into a world within our own, but from the perspective of things/objects we give little concern to. Of course this has a much more sophisticated aura surrounding it than any of the features named, but Im sure you get my point. In any case, your description of said "universe" is extremely imaginative and on point. And at this point I'm starting to feel like a part of the story.

    Asking herself, what's my part to play?
    Existing in atrophy, face hardened,
    marked in Riga mortis;
    nothing but the starch remains
    The crispy, crusty, over starched and dried up sock. I love the words "atrophy" and "riga mortis", especially in relation to what they convey in terms of the image you're trying to communicate to the audience.

    Midnight bloomed;
    She wished for a cup of Cheers; A Dawn of change
    Between the crevice, she was restless
    Nestled in awkward ways
    I love the fluidity of the flow.

    Bent and crimp. Bright cotton becomes minced
    ...semblance of stocking exchange
    Lol...clever.


    Well hello!!
    I took her in.
    She was rough.
    But even the toughest can softened. It's Spring…
    bloom; cleaned and groomed as the cotton concedes
    Man I'm glad I found that sock behind the washing machine!
    Yo you executed the fuck out of this concept. Everything from your diction to your rhyme scheme was highly original and well done. Also, the creativity factor was through the roof.

    Excellent read my dude. Consider it nom'ed.

  4. #4
    Xtermnation Xtraordinaire Genocide's Avatar
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    Re: Alone

    Hey..
    I wrote my verse for the piece but i cant PM. I tried twice but it doesntbwork. Im cut off for some reason. So i need to figure out how to get you this verse for the collab.

    - - - Updated - - -

    I could jump over to R-R and pm it to self and he can come back here and get it to you? Hell be going after me anyway i take it @SELF ACTIVATE @Sammy
    Adolf Spitler.

  5. #5
    MAD! A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: Alone

    Yeah I hear you and I felt this piece the funny shit about love and what I learned about men and their weakness and how it is easy it is to play them... they just want that whore to settle down and take off the map for their ego... and finding rare one percent one is fucking impossible I wish they wasn't so weak and fell into it every time... it's the challenge they love and the MINE. Where the real mother fuckers at... I never relate!!! Weak!!! Weak!!! Weak!!!
    +~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~¥~+
    CLA919

  6. #6
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
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    Re: Alone

    @A Disciple lol this verse was actually about a lost sock lol. but thanks or reading. i gotchu u on ur new piece soon

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  7. #7
    Thw!!! nerdy318's Avatar
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    Re: Alone

    the first time i read this i thought you were talking about someone other than your self now the whole thing seems empty... the word play isnt bad though... stay elevating
    "he had 3 down and bet 3 m's ... so you know what happened to him ... he got 3 rounds" - Lord Superb

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