5:40 something in the morning, instances of a spider crept up inside her was the text

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Thread: 5:40 something in the morning, instances of a spider crept up inside her was the text

  1. #1
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    5:40 something in the morning, instances of a spider crept up inside her was the text

    The web was words in reds, shaped like a web

    I canít say they shot me cause I i donít recall
    I was staring at my scars today like they swear they my fall
    All alone in my dolo on my solo
    The only one that respects me or what I see and be is me
    And yeah Iím guilty cause I just wanted to see
    I pray all truth really does come to the light
    Cause of all the sick shit as a result Iím left to fight
    Cause I know I donít deserve it and you supposed to get what you give
    And I really never gave a fuck whether I died or I live
    Quite the understanding if life never meant that much to me to begin with
    Now even more
    So what the fuck i give a fuck for fifth
    Sucking the barrel, she called my house 64x and hung up
    A lots changed since then and I did my best to tell you all of whatís up
    Heís dead... heís gone... another one just like me
    A genocide they play with cause they see us and not them as our enemy
    I didnít want to rhyme, my baby sitter taught me comfort
    I shared my shine, got fucked instead, and suggested the Purple Heart alert when on the front
    That faggot woke me up and showed me it all
    In return I explained how it was like when someone like me fall
    They didnít care or see how we a lot like them
    Instead They took their short cycled privileged life and came in for the win
    Thatís when I truly understood many men
    Iím the man... well Iím scared for you to see
    Not cause of what I did wrong, but because of how them bitches went in and did to me
    The hills have eyes the hills have eyes
    Iím just trying to live life for the moment
    And this is what happens when everyone just try to own it


    Link one: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...-Italian-Pride
    ~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..
    Why does everyone think Iím a boy?

  2. #2
    4 year anniversary 😈 A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: 5:40 something in the morning, instances of a spider crept up inside her was the text

    Before I leave it was my head to burn like that, that day... why?
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    Why does everyone think Iím a boy?

  3. #3
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    Re: 5:40 something in the morning, instances of a spider crept up inside her was the text

    So I could tell this was important to you. So I wanted to get you some feedback.

    Again, I could tell this has a lot of emotion. So that's good. Some of the bars didn't rhyme - I like the odd non rhyme for emphasis. But I feel like I came across a few and it brought me out. Especially since there were so few multis and internal rhymes. (Structure breeds immersion.)

    And some of the images you were using were muddled or a little careless. I don't think you chose your words quite as well as you're capable of.

    I bet if you just did this exact same rhyme from scratch a second time, you would have a killer piece. That's my feedback on this - keep doing you.

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  4. #4
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    Re: 5:40 something in the morning, instances of a spider crept up inside her was the text

    @High _and_drunk yeah it was first draft - I usually do go in and critique after - thanks for the feedback
    ~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..
    Why does everyone think Iím a boy?

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