Beware

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Thread: Beware

  1. #1
    4 year anniversary 😈 A Disciple's Avatar
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    Beware

    Beware

    ďWhen you said.... of a women with a broken heartĒ

    It was the best of what running, writing or protection
    Conviction gonna kill me so Iím still steady fighting with every objection
    Shook, shaken, beaten and stuck
    Yeah, we just keep wishing
    Yeah itís all based on luck
    Feeling like my enemies, itís driving me crazy, getting worse w/ each ride when at first it didnít even phase me
    I ainít a killer and it doesnt scare me no more
    And It ainít the devil itís just a dumb whore
    2 sides but I ainít divided
    Iíll never forgive again but oh Iím just a draft to be sided
    It makes it harder to accept when your heart growl to remind you
    And even harder when the theory sound so true he canít even find you

    ...

    Enemies I never even met just arenít worth the time spent
    Iíd just be losing another type of freedom
    Nah but all they do is win every time that I see them

    My head burned off and I Snatched the silverware literally... idk what you think I would do for my family

    Standing alone to learn everyone I loved rather see me in a hurse
    July was a gift for 1762 but instead we still living the curse

    People I canít stand standing so arrogantly

    Iím not just fighting for my power back, Iím fighting just to be me

    Nah I didnít write it I didnít even know his name
    But the feds just gonna help them and cover the same

    ďAll because I had you....

    ....
    ....
    ...

    And what they would do and how far they would go to a women they didnít even know

    ďBABY LAST TIME CALLING ME BABY LAST TIME CALLING ME CRAZY, crazy, crazy
    ďBABY LAST TIME CALLING ME BABY LAST TIME CALLING ME CRAZY, crazy, crazy

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    Link 1: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ges-(part-one)

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    Link 2: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...96921-Thoughts
    ~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..
    Why does everyone think Iím a boy?

  2. #2

    Re: Beware

    Alright, Iunno if I'm the first to say this but I probably won't be the last. This is RapBatttles.com, so the audience you're going for is gonna be mostly rap oriented. I totally get that you're going for the same structure of writing as rap, but with the concepts and fairly limited vocabulary displayed here it seems more like a pop song than anything. And it's hard to critique that if that's not what we're expecting. Now for my critiquing. I think the variety of word choice could definitely be expounded upon, it seemed dry that way. What I like the most about the piece is the structuring, I like the creativity that went into placing things how they were. I'm not saying you should continue this, because it does take away from the fluidity of the piece and as I said earlier gives the impression of there being intentional "breaks" in the lyrics where music comes in, like in pop music. What I'm saying is the spacing you chose when making this piece shows you had passion for writing this. Grab that passion like the olympic torch and run with it cuz that's what separates people who do this to entertain the idea of being an artist and being an actual artist. That's my professional opinion, though. As professional as one can get as a rapper who hasn't made it himself lol I liked the freshness of it, if this was spiced up with some more colorful words it would've had more potential.

  3. #3
    4 year anniversary 😈 A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: Beware

    It’s not rap, it’s not pop... it’s not to an audience - it just how I relate and is a written - explaining to somebody online creatively how I relate, why I liked the song and what I’ve been thru as a result of some cruel ass ridiculous shit - cause I myself hate to read long shit. It’s therapy and getting it out and mostly boredom too. But you got to be kidding me about this sites writers being rappers - I thought it was all poetry in this section. Believe me - that right there is the last thing I want and reminds me of another reason too... nobody is gonna explain me but me
    ~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..
    Why does everyone think Iím a boy?

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Venom's Avatar
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    Re: Beware

    Quote Originally Posted by A Disciple View Post
    It’s not rap, it’s not pop... it’s not to an audience - it just how I relate and is a written - explaining to somebody online creatively how I relate, why I liked the song and what I’ve been thru as a result of some cruel ass ridiculous shit - cause I myself hate to read long shit. It’s therapy and getting it out and mostly boredom too. But you got to be kidding me about this sites writers being rappers - I thought it was all poetry in this section. Believe me - that right there is the last thing I want and reminds me of another reason too... nobody is gonna explain me but me
    You can have your “therapy” on a composition notebook or a email draft, it doesn’t have to be here and yet you choose to submit it here. It is written to a audience, even if you somehow believe it isn’t. I do think there is a lot of bored people here rhyming for fun but to say none of us are serious about the craft, incorrect. Do YOU take us serious? Perhaps not but that’s neither here nor there.

    Now, onto your piece, your written as you call it.
    It was ok, nothing extremely special but you seem to be making it clear it wasn’t meant to be and was just expressive, nothing more nothing less.
    As such I’ll just cite my favorite part of it

    “I’ll never forgive again but oh I’m just a draft to be sided
    It makes it harder to accept when your heart growl to remind you”

    ^i dug that

  5. #5
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    Re: Beware

    @Venom I did take it seriously and tried to develop my craft w “friends” on this site.... but when I got home from being shot “I think” they all changed their names while I was banned and blamed I was on drugs instead of realizing nah it just drove me insane instead; and not like they cared or I cared but really after then all my realest shit beIng hidden and taken off line coming out of it, and all the moderators talking shit and hating on me - I’m posting on the wrong forum or this and that but nobody tell me and it... I wasn’t on drugs it literally drove me insane. And yeah I still want to learn but everyone here so hotsile and no one wants to pick up and continue to teach me. “The worst” is on - and I think I’m going thru some shit as a result no one can relate to. I almost hit my ex when I got the 222 message across my Nextel and heard him laugh in the background. No one to air out to either

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    It IS her singing my part type ish and it happens a lot like
    PACs better off alOne / I think that’s me

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    Never mind... I don’t care either
    ~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..
    Why does everyone think Iím a boy?

  6. #6

    Re: Beware

    @A Disciple

    okay, I'll start it off like this. the part of your response that seemed to be relevant to all of this, the only part, was the leading sentence. er, well, half of it... the rest of the entire thing was just you going off on some nonsense. am I wrong? if someones inebriated I understand but if not then I'm gonna say you need help with whatever you tried getting across in your "reply". find some help, nothing on this forum will do it for you. I doubt writing would even bring that solace. please don't take this like I'm tryna be rude, I know mental health (to a degree). all I'm asking is you take a second look at things before you post, this sounds like an insanity plea. if so, get yourself checked. aye?

  7. #7
    4 year anniversary 😈 A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: Beware

    SMMFH...
    ~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..
    Why does everyone think Iím a boy?

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Venom's Avatar
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    Re: Beware

    Lol once upon of time that would have worked

  9. #9
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    Re: Beware

    @Venom yeah too late is always the lecture but that’s not why I write

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    @IcarusDimitrius I’ve been in mental help since I was in 5th grade - how you think I got this way? Nah joking but sometimes it’s what it feels like... I have drs LOTS of them
    ~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..
    Why does everyone think Iím a boy?

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