Intromotherfuckingduction
Listen up you emotional little cunts. This shit right here, is the HATE mag. Now I'm sure there's one or two of you who can put together what to expect just from the name, but for the rest of these fucktards I'm going explain ONE TIME. The purpose of this decennial publication is eviscerate your precious egos with unrelenting, unyielding, and (mostly) undeserved hate. Please for the love of fuck do not take shit serious. I don't want to have someone's parents posting on their account talking about little <insert Barcotics real name here> slit his wrist last night coz some guy name King made fun of his raps. That being said, you should all be fucking ashamed of yourselves. I posted bullshit filler because I thought my opponent was gonna no show, you assholes were posting second and still dropping bullshit filler. Remember the good ol' days when LLL was restricted to just top tier heads? Of course you fucking don't we didn't let any of you clowns in. On to the mag....
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Weak 11 Reviews
JEM vs Plaz
What in the actual fuck. This was a battle of some decent concepts getting mauled by Plaz's wording verse JEM swinging wildly at the air. My man Plaz dropped a heads or tails play, which is great because I havent had a chance to call that concept played in like 7 years. JEM came through and took advantage of that mistep by promptly dropping a quarterback play and handing the W to plaz on a silver diamond-encrusted platter. Bro u could have dropped anything EXCEPT that and got the win. Sigggghhhh.
Bash vs Caged
Ooook. It's gonna be tough to write multiple sentences about this battle without gouging my eyes out but fuck it I'll give it a go. So Caged...Caged is trying to come up and put it all together. And in this battle he showed a lot of progress...is still needed. Bash came with his best verse of the season, complete with a screenshot bar, and cemented this battle as a Battle of the Weak contender. To think that motherfucker was in a champ match a couple weeks ago is just fucking depressing. The league is in a bad place fellas smh.
Joe Boston vs Rican Theoryz
Where to begin. It's like being forced to search through a giant pile of fucking trash, where do you even start? The end, the end is the perfect place to start. And this battle ended with Rican taking the dub despite dropping this gem:
His verse also included a Boston Tea Party flip (very original). Did I mention he won? I don't need to go on right? We can leave it there? Fantastic.Originally Posted by LMAOOOO
High and Drunk vs GrimmReaperz
Not gonna lie I put serious thought into skipping this battle entirely. Like pretending it didn't even happen. First of all, Mr AndDrunk opens by criticizing his opponent for dropping mad quotes before verses, and then proceeds to write a paragraph including quotes before his verse! Smhhh. Grimm answered strategically with red font. Anyway, they both double space their bars and write accordingly. FML.
XRey vs Jason Voorhees
Voorhees made a business decision to not use X-ray plays for every bar, and I gotta admit I think that was the best part of his verse. After that he started attempting actual bars and it was a steep decline in decision making. Then XRey dropped a bomb on me. I thought we couldn't get any more noob than High and Grimm double spacing, but X raised the bar by double spacing and adding hyphens to his multis! Which was actually a huge help coz personally I would have never caught the mood/food rhyme.
Allen Knight vs Some guy
So we had some alias/noob/wasnevergonnashow muh'fucker vs Allen "name plays on me are old" Knight. Allen decided he wanted to really challenge himself is this one so he went with a verse made entirely of the most obvious nameplays imaginable. Dude was like, fuck the bullshit I'm using every Special play before anyone else can. He said that shit was a key but we all know he spent all week on that garbage. Best verse he's dropped in 5 years easy.
Contenders Match
Smog vs JDill
Well at least I know I wasn't missing much if I did show up for the champ match. Honestly if I knew I had a bye week coming up I really would have made sure I got a verse in. Anyway, somehow one of these two exemplary textcees actually got a title shot as a result of this battle.
Yikes. We saw some real haymakers thrown here, Smog dusted off the old stick and barrel plays, haven't seen one of those in the last two or three battles I read so I guess we were due. And Jit the wordplay gawd blessed us with a Son/Sun play. Not gonna lie homie I had to read it a couple times to get it.
Champ match
King vs Plethora
Yeaaaa controversy. I didnt write during the week, because why would I take this fucking guy serious? and then I got busy over the weekend. I regret it, especially after reading the piping hot garbage he ending up dropping, I let down the text world, and now we have this faux champ ($20 says he's googling faux right now). As a punishment to myself I made this mag and had to read all the trash battles I usually avoid like the plague. Believe me, never again...
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Hall of Shame Throwback
The infamous MarvJ Wordplay verse
ok..
you woke the beast up weak fuck!,i fell back i was saught of chillin.
but u wack like orderd killings...i saw ur style & gota very orc-ward feelin.
your wifey's a dumb slut.....you luv her tho but me i cant stand the smut.
sucker for love,B-Y-U wife her? she let everybody on that campus fuck.
you the fool for puttin a ring on her..that sluts a jay lover.
and after this tourney she gauntlet IV of my niggas run a train on her.
woody please stop rappin???..like seriusly son who gon sign your flow?.
my buzz is to infinity and beyonds.....died a verrrry long time ago.
claim's he's the benard hopkins of text lol thats insanity bitch.
ur nothin like him,but b hop's on lamas balls every chance the he gets.
im no joke when its on im usually known for cookn the beef.
F a gun...my left arm like a hammock my swing'll put em the sleep.
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Clown Rankings
5. High and Drunk
I know this is gonna come as a surprise to most. Everyone was probably expecting this clown to take the top spot here but he's coming in at the 5 spot. We had an uptick in fuckery over the past few weeks plus High made a (shitty) mag which earned him some points.
4. Greedy
Lives in the chat. In the 1-2 League. Former champ of shit.....Not battling in LLL. Why? My theory is this. He got his accomps in an era when you only needed one good punch to win a battle. Then, a few real writers came back to the site and he knew he couldn't hang, so he stuck to the league where u can still win with one good punch.
3. Barcotic
Bar Bar Bar. I know you didn't think you were gonna get through this whole mag with only a quick reference in the intro. Barcotic takes the third spot in the Clown Rankings due to pulling the very honorable move of sitting out the rest of the season until the playoffs. Way to slam the easy button with both hands my guy.
2. Meth
This fucking guy. First he no shows in a league he's modding. Which is like, how the fuck? Then he comes back with some dumb ass car accident story, only to go ghost again. But that isn't really the reason why he gets catapulted to numero dos on the very competitive Clown Rankings, the real reason is that because of his little vaca we're now stuck with....
1. Amen
No surprises here. The bureaucrat. The chat thread champ. The mega bitch. Amen hasn't actually battled on RB since like his first two months of joining. I remember him being mid tier-ish, then signing out and dominating the chat threads ever since. Curiously all his accomps showed up after he got modded and I can't find links but don't google it. Amen secured the number one spot by engaging in his record setting 10,000th rap-battle-site beef that resulted in zero action. No battles, no fights, not even a mean pm.
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Weak 12 Previews
JEM vs Joe Boston
This battle could truly go either way. Which is fucking amazing coz Joe has been doing this shit forever and he's still debatable against a dude who has a total of 11 battles. I'm seeing something like 0-1 quotes vs 1 quote, a massacre/mass occur wordplay, and several poorly worded mediocre current event bars. In the end, I won't be reading this shit so I won't know the result. Kind of makes making a prediction pointless.
High and Drunk vs Zunto
Have I mentioned that H&M double spaces his bars? Like STILL. Like even after he reads this fucking mag, and he goes to write his shitty fucking verse, he's STILL gonna do it. To keep it 100, if I go to vote on your battle and your shit is double spaced, well I'm probably just not gonna vote on it. BUT, if I absolutely had to, I would vote for your opponent by default. Cunto ftw!
Plaz vs Sinning
Damn. Ok I got a prediction. Here's what's gonna happen. One of them is going to no show. I'd say 2 to 1, maybe 3 to 1, that the Sinning fucktard doesnt show....Literally wrote that then clicked on the battle and that fucking asshole already dropped. Word. Well fuck you both, I hope you both lose somehow. And who tf is Sinning??
RicanTheoryz vs Allen Knight
Dog shit. Dog shit battle. They both have winning records, which tells you no one is showing up to these god damn battles. This is what happens when you assholes no show. The winner of this might get a contenders match. Think about that, Allen Knight hasn't been relevant in a decade and the other dude is RICAN FUCKING THEORYZ. WITH A Z!.
Caged vs GrimmReaperZ
Another fucking dipshit with the Z. Anyway, real barn burner here. Hopefully one of these assholes just decides to bite someone so we can read a decent bar or two. Can we actually just post an old champ match or something and we can all vote on it as if it were dropped today? All bullshit aside that's actually a good idea lmao.
King vs Bomb Spree
Heyyy it's the real champ match that should have just happened last week but didn't because someone involved in this battle not named King decided to DUCK. Who wins a contenders match and then signs out? Unprecedented duckage. How could you possibly give me that ammo? SMH. Tough draw for you my dude. Not gonna be pretty. I haven't written a line yet, coz I've been working on this fucking mag for all these morons, but u gon' get this work.
Jason Voorhees vs Clit
Jason better be careful in this one, for real. You do not want to rub Clit the wrong way. He gets irritated very easily. But seriously, Jit is an all time low for NY slang. Whoever started that shit should be shot. Anyway, I see this ending with something like two quotes total between the both of em, one of them purely out of pity from the voters, and yet one more battle that I'll be hoping is closed and moved before Amen makes me post links.
Contenders Match
Blue Bayou vs Bash
So Blue came back and managed to pull off a roast victory, showing that his dick riders have returned with him. What a fucking scam that was. And that lands him in the contenders match against Baby Bash. Btw, all bullshit aside for a sec, Bash, I can't believe my baby bash line got quoted in our battle lmaooo I literally wrote that as filler coz I had like 1 minute to post lmaooo AND YOU LOST TO IT LMAOOOOO!! Ahhhh kill yourself.
̶F̶r̶o̶n̶t̶L̶i̶n̶e̶s̶ LLL Champ Match
Smog (lmaooo) vs Plethora (ROFL)
It hurts to know this is my fault. The league has officially hit rock fucking bottom and it's because I couldn't be bothered to write a verse. Now here we are, possibly about to witness the first quoteless champ match in the history of text battling. Smog with a highly questionable undefeated record vs Pleth sporting the worst record of any champ ever, I think this is a good opportunity to bring up that it's bullshit that it's mandatory to vote in the champ matches. No one should be forced to read this trash.
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The "Why did you write this?!?!" Punches of the Week
Stop the pm's. Atcha front door ur gonna be met w/ led
Inbox me & have ur screen shot, cept this one'll leave u dead
-Trash
his styles AHS. dumbasses actin like he’s top threat.
ya showings FX the league.. same goes with ur lack of concepts.
-Caged
I'd do UR style n fuck ya bitch, but yo that pussys taken 60 + D's
I mean damn Jitters is so fuckin scary it literally gives me the creeps
-Smog
I’m a Fucking Avalanche on your block don’t get yourself caught in the rubble
You’ll never have the Brawn agaisnt Joe these bullets will be a close up to your fucking face stubble
-Ho Boston
You’ve been on this site for years but your records barely the blame,
I’m starting to think You love Being called average joe, & even that should help motivate u in changing ya Name!!
-ReekingTheoryzZZZZz
High and Drunk's whole fucking verse. Literally the whole thing.
-High and Drunk
u asked for this, now retire or die...matter fact if you could do BOTH.. the better
..by ya own hands ya heads in a box, NOW your preMadonna ass can vogue forever
-GrimmCreeperZZZZ
bars bars bars
leave u with scars
-King (should have did "scars scars scars" smh)
U a op.. n i wont need No Vaseline once this NWA sense the disrespect
point is... Eazy'ly u'll be the sickest rapper.. on RB.. once I Aid ya death
-Jason Doorplease
Flip ya sweater so u can see-the-hood, hand me the strap imma beat-this-dude
Medusa style u may ice some bitches… Cuz they turn cold if they see-u-nude.
-X-it
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Outro
I just wanted to thank everyone for giving me sooo much shitty material to work with. I was a little concerned when I first started this that I might have a hard time clowning verses if everyone dropped decent shit, but I quickly realized I wasn't going to have aannny issue at all. For real tho, I hope you all hated this mag. I hope it hurt reading every fucking word. I'm gonna go smoke a J and play some Red Dead. Fuck...you...all.
