Colorless rainbows

User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Colorless rainbows

  1. #1
    Jedi Forks. Fatrick Swayze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    2,091
    Accomplishments (2)
    PC HOF
    Haiku Champion

    Colorless rainbows

    Topic:


    The blackness is consuming, it outlines, easily chalks
    its bitter cold in the shadows where angels never walk
    hidden emotion, heart and soul not to mention her face
    she's un noticed amongst the colors, she's so hard to retrace
    don't mind her, a specter between the glances of '"righteous" men
    a forgotten relic buried in the politics of the ego's whim
    a gate keeper of life forced to never live hers to the fullest
    always the slited, but with closed lips she'll always bite the bullet
    although she's empty on the surface, dig deeper in the sand
    her layers the fullest of all, but none cares to peel her back
    her eyes give a glimpse into heavens promised dance
    a lighthouse in the darkness mentioned, the souls romance
    a beacon that never extinguishes an eternal flame in deep waters
    the life preserve to those making the wrong decisions among the fautors
    a pillar for the lambs, those who get lead in to the slaughter
    but she hides it all in fear of those raised with the same hands as her
    forced into submission asking for permission trying to gain favor
    they run amok with her soul between their hearts and minds alike
    forgetting the lesson taught by her and the love she gave without spite
    murder the innocent, raping her sisters in the name of god
    they pillage the right leaving everything wrong in the rubbles fog
    they praise her with grace, but turn around and spit in her face
    no longer revered, looked upon like a steer holding the bulk of the load
    but she never falls despite the crushing blows you wont see her fold
    but her purpose eternally burns amongst the ashes of her faults
    and though she hides herself, she gives every ounce of her heart
    to those shaped by the brush strokes of a broken art...
    so she keeps her sleeve open for the world to se her true colors
    and so her rainbow extends beyond the song of the squallers


    @Emily
    DamNation

  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    5,564
    Battle Record
    2-2
    Accomplishments (2)
    2x PC HOF

    Re: Colorless rainbows

    The blackness is consuming, it outlines, easily chalks
    Maybe you meant 'it's outline' and not it outlines? I like 'easily chalks'.
    I like what you personified here.

    its bitter cold in the shadows where angels never walk
    Ugh, so good.
    hidden emotion, heart and soul not to mention her face
    she's un noticed amongst the colors, she's so hard to retrace
    Nice pace. Nice visuals. Nice build. I like the slight rhymes creeping in.
    don't mind her, a specter between the glances of '"righteous" men
    a forgotten relic buried in the politics of the ego's whim
    a gate keeper of life forced to never live hers to the fullest
    always the slited, but with closed lips she'll always bite the bullet
    I get what you mean by 'slited' but it just doesn't sit with me here.
    I also feel you went over a syllable or two, sounded a tad long.
    Love the rest of the sentence though.

    although she's empty on the surface, dig deeper in the sand
    her layers the fullest of all, but none cares to peel her back
    her eyes give a glimpse into heavens promised dance
    This is entirely full of imagery. It gives me flickering pictures of The Taliban's fight on immorality and indecency.
    The reality of daily life in places like Afghanistan controlled by the insurgents. The remote, rural districts.
    Their daily struggle.

    a lighthouse in the darkness mentioned, the souls romance
    a beacon that never extinguishes an eternal flame in deep waters
    Damn Fatt, that sentence is so romantic.
    the life preserve to those making the wrong decisions among the fautors
    Fatt, what's a fautor?
    a pillar for the lambs, those who get lead in to the slaughter
    meh', tad cliche. Lambs to the slaughter/ sounds a bit stale or overused compared to the
    freshness of the rest.

    but she hides it all in fear of those raised with the same hands as her
    I like the personal direction you went here. It made me zoom in on her life and suddenly
    it wasn't so different to ours. Fathers and mothers raising sons and daughters. Apples and Trees.

    forced into submission asking for permission trying to gain favor
    I like the melodical flow here with the rhyme. I like the slight music in the wording.
    they run amok with her soul between their hearts and minds alike
    forgetting the lesson taught by her and the love she gave without spite
    murder the innocent, raping her sisters in the name of god
    they pillage the right leaving everything wrong in the rubbles fog
    even though imagery is complex, it stimulates the imagination.
    It's an important element in writing, but I still think you could have executed it
    in a more streamline way.

    they praise her with grace, but turn around and spit in her face
    no longer revered, looked upon like a steer holding the bulk of the load
    but she never falls despite the crushing blows you wont see her fold
    but her purpose eternally burns amongst the ashes of her faults
    I don't know why I/m suddenly in some ashes to ashes dust to dust type scenario.
    There's a sense of romanticism in your ugly pictures of endemic violence against women,
    I put it down to your capabilities as a writer to take me away and show me the beautiful spirit of people in
    the fight of their lives.

    and though she hides herself, she gives every ounce of her heart
    to those shaped by the brush strokes of a broken art...
    Probably my favourite lines. I could say them over and over and not get tired of hearing them.
    Absolutely stunning lines right here Fatt.

    so she keeps her sleeve open for the world to se her true colors
    and so her rainbow extends beyond the song of the squallers
    Respectful outro. 'Song of the squallers' is enticing/clever. Great wording.
    I like it.
    But still your strongest line was the one above it.
    I wished you'd finished with that one dynamic boom.
    Leaving the audience with strong lines like that one lets you know that the audience
    went home melting over.....your last line.
    Good last lines follow me home. .



    Check it...

    and though she hides herself, she gives every ounce of her heart
    to those shaped by the brush strokes of a broken art...

    and though she hides herself, she gives every ounce of her heart
    to those shaped by the brush strokes of a broken art...

    and though she hides herself, she gives every ounce of her heart
    to those shaped by the brush strokes of a broken art...



    Fatt, my feed is rusty, you know it's been a while, but thank you for dropping and bringing me to your piece.


    #You've still got it.


    It's been a pleasure reading and feeding this.
    x em


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


  3. #3
    Jedi Forks. Fatrick Swayze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    2,091
    Accomplishments (2)
    PC HOF
    Haiku Champion

    Re: Colorless rainbows

    Thanks @Emily and rust or not thanks for the feed always appreciate it.

    And I wrote this like a month ago for another site so no didn’t cook this up in 2 days lol so t write like that anymore
    But I’m thinking ama revive this place

    Thanks again
    DamNation

  4. #4
    mcmlxix montauk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    north east
    Posts
    474

    Re: Colorless rainbows

    J!!!

    Always a romantic soul even with the picture sucks balls. I enjoyed this but there were sentences where your syllables were a bit off. That’s where it could have read smoother. Besides that, I enjoyed it and I wish to collaborate soon. Haven’t written in years so it’s be nice to shake off the dust with a very good friend!
    "you could be as good as the best of them, but as bad as the worst."

  5. #5
    Jedi Forks. Fatrick Swayze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    2,091
    Accomplishments (2)
    PC HOF
    Haiku Champion

    Re: Colorless rainbows

    Quote Originally Posted by montauk View Post
    J!!!

    Always a romantic soul even with the picture sucks balls. I enjoyed this but there were sentences where your syllables were a bit off. That’s where it could have read smoother. Besides that, I enjoyed it and I wish to collaborate soon. Haven’t written in years so it’s be nice to shake off the dust with a very good friend!

    Hit me up anytime and we can def write something
    DamNation

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •