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Thread: Jasmine

  1. #1
    MAD! A Disciple's Avatar
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    Jasmine

    Jasmine


    I was in the fog fully aware
    Only got split seconds and the other times? if I was even there
    When your world shift to slow mo
    Things are more important, things you will never know
    I come from high culture slapped back to ghetto
    I lived both sides so my demeanor is different
    Rich or poor it was both vociferent
    Sitting sideways one day made me cry
    So back to my poor, back to my side when they all asked why
    For my jasmine
    My jasmine live behind castles walls
    But as toy soldiers when one down, we all fall
    Walking - looking back remembering every bit
    Soldiers training a general they contemplate as we sit
    They all know I’m a higher one day
    Trying to pull a “pac” on me is all I have to say
    Is all I live for in this day
    Besides my Jasmine
    Game I ain’t trying to chase a cat - I’m just running back
    But no longer will I sit here and allow the disrespect in attack
    God chose - he was ghost - I was life
    Street sweeper to General - not Cinderella to wife
    And I too will raise mine if even in death so it to be
    But you better not dare lie to jasmine when it comes to me
    I ain’t ever met a female stronger than me
    So pardon me if I can’t bow down or respect
    Pardon me while I reshuffle this deck
    Not one that actually walks the streets and just pretends to be
    Speaks about all that it’s like pretending to be me
    Some crack head hoe who swear she my death
    And I put it on my last breath
    Just like she put that k on that meth

    A disease
    A disease you just infect the hood
    Now fall back and just respect as you should
    Jasmines on my mind so you better tell them get the fuck back up
    If I don’t make it, you make them stand again and just say yup
    And to that bitch...
    You may be the one to call the guns aiming at me
    But three times I survived and you can’t ever take my virginity
    Raised among wolves but I wasn’t the one in sheep‘s clothing
    I didn’t have a pack I was all alone babysitting their sleep stopping they choking while they all chasing a thrown
    So maybe the next world is mine I learned by watching you not to fuck up
    Cause this is just level one - pyre stand the fuck back up
    While you sticking pins in my skin or my eyes - my heart growls
    Remembering every “I thought it was a lie” counting owls
    I seen him at the cones, back then I was only 14
    So know every step ahead of you and your fortune already seen
    Oh I didn’t have a vest? Took three to the vagina and still lived
    Regretting every moment I ever forgived

    Listen...




    For jasmine I say fine, for my jasmine I spit every line
    For Jasmine who gonna watch over all of mine
    For Jasmine - my faith and my nine
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  2. #2
    MAD! A Disciple's Avatar
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  3. #3
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Jasmine

    Loved reading this piece of work Disciple.
    Drew my attention off the bat.
    Elements of it drew me in.
    Will def get on the pc to feed as my phone doesn’t cut it.
    Great freedom of expression that hits heart strings.
    Good to see you’ve still got it.
    Haven’t had time to read anything else but this stood out to me.
    Stay well : )


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  4. #4
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Jasmine

    I was in the fog fully aware
    Nice intro Disciple. Straight away I feel like I'm not dealing with pretence but real life.
    Who hasn't felt this sentence? Nice honesty. Raw.

    Only got split seconds and the other times? if I was even there
    I like the rhyme scheme, I like the flow. I like the wording.
    When your world shift to slow mo
    Ugh. Im silly for saying this but ...maybe it should be shiftS?
    Little things like that stop my flow. Snobby I know, but still, you have a flow and for it to be stagnated by a missing S is a shame.

    Things are more important, things you will never know
    I come from high culture slapped back to ghetto
    top notch
    I lived both sides so my demeanor is different
    Rich or poor it was both vociferent
    Not sure what that last word means but its impressive lol. The imagery given off in these sentences is thick because the pictures you've drawn move. They move across paper with a pace that/s almost chasing them.
    You've built an atmosphere. You're an architect of air.

    Sitting sideways one day made me cry
    So back to my poor, back to my side when they all asked why
    For my jasmine
    My jasmine live behind castles walls
    Yeah. Nice. Very nice.
    But as toy soldiers when one down, we all fall
    Edit. again, maybe it should be 'one's'? Regardless, the personification is almost silent music in my mind.
    I can hear and see the clinking of bits of tin. Little perfect soldiers falling like dominoes.

    Walking - looking back remembering every bit
    Soldiers training a general they contemplate as we sit
    They all know I’m a higher one day
    Trying to pull a “pac” on me is all I have to say
    Is all I live for in this day
    Besides my Jasmine
    Excluding Jasmine is sensational. Everything turns to dust except....your Jasmine.
    It all fades to grey, but she still emits a glow, and you bring that to me when I read this.
    You make it real. Little sentences. Big imagery. Good job.

    Game I ain’t trying to chase a cat - I’m just running back
    But no longer will I sit here and allow the disrespect in attack
    God chose - he was ghost - I was life
    Street sweeper to General - not Cinderella to wife
    You really have such a wonderful way with words. And you seem to have an endless supply, which is something to be
    envied by writers like me. I truly believe you're a real lyricist. You have a gift. Drawn from experiences, spiced up with emotions and colourful wording and touched by not only the grace of God by but pain and angst. Once more, its real, its raw, its honest and it good.

    And I too will raise mine if even in death so it to be
    Bit odd this placement here, but its whatever because of your following line.
    But you better not dare lie to jasmine when it comes to me
    Love it. Love it. Love it. Shows certainty. Shows who's boss. Its sexy.
    I ain’t ever met a female stronger than me
    So pardon me if I can’t bow down or respect
    Pardon me while I reshuffle this deck
    oh fuck thats good. thats good writing. flows like water. once more, sounds honest, raw, real.
    Not one that actually walks the streets and just pretends to be
    Speaks about all that it’s like pretending to be me
    Some crack head hoe who swear she my death
    And I put it on my last breath
    Just like she put that k on that meth
    You've got street scenes playing out like a movie. Your words, I envy what you have right here.

    A disease
    A disease you just infect the hood
    Now fall back and just respect as you should
    Ah man, that confidence is a serious turn on. It's that confidence that makes the reader believe in you, in your words and
    pictures, in the sounds, in the atmosphere. its in the tone.

    Jasmines on my mind so you better tell them get the fuck back up
    If I don’t make it, you make them stand again and just say yup
    And to that bitch...
    You may be the one to call the guns aiming at me
    But three times I survived and you can’t ever take my virginity
    Experience does something great to writers. It allows them to bleed on paper. And while Im wiping up the gore, Im also in awe
    of survivors.

    Raised among wolves but I wasn’t the one in sheep‘s clothing
    I didn’t have a pack I was all alone babysitting their sleep stopping they choking while they all chasing a thrown
    So maybe the next world is mine I learned by watching you not to fuck up
    Cause this is just level one - pyre stand the fuck back up
    While you sticking pins in my skin or my eyes - my heart growls
    There's a representational process here that carries through without breaking the mold of the story.
    Once more, free falling, easy to read. fluid.

    Remembering every “I thought it was a lie” counting owls
    I seen him at the cones, back then I was only 14
    So know every step ahead of you and your fortune already seen
    Oh I didn’t have a vest? Took three to the vagina and still lived
    Regretting every moment I ever forgived
    That last line though...that last line kills me. Even the fact that you said the word vagina in a friggen poem is...
    I dont even know. Who does that and gets away with it? Yeah but, you can. And you did. And you won with that last line.
    That last line to me is gold. 'Regretting every moment I ever forgived'.... God. I've felt that. It's so well placed.
    Its so well said. Its a great line.


    Listen...Ok, listen. This pause here is perfect. It knocks the reader (me. Cause I don't feed for masses, I feed for me) into submission. It makes me stop and if I wasnt taking you seriously before, I am now. Im listening even more than before.
    That pause is perfectly placed imo.





    For jasmine I say fine, for my jasmine I spit every line
    For Jasmine who gonna watch over all of mine
    For Jasmine - my faith and my nine

    Great outro. The repetitiveness cements the certainty, the seriousness, the conviction.
    The outro finishes it like great big fat red bow on a well wrapped present.
    I love Jasmine without knowing Jasmine. I love the way you've put her so high up, there isnt a smidgen
    of a doubt how you feel. And there's no one that can tell you any different.
    Great outro.


    Disciple, I didn't play the music. This piece had its own melodical flow as I read it.
    I haven't been here for nearly two years. But for some reason this piece drew me in to the point where
    I had to come back and take my hat off to you and say bravo for being the artist you are.
    Don't change for no one. Just keep doing you. Your signature style is there but has evolved since I was here
    so long ago and I'm proud of the free flowing writer you are.

    I can definitely see you as an accomplished lyricist in this genre.
    You draw from the heart and its your conviction that wins me over in this piece.

    Great stuff.

    Top job.


    Thank you.

    - - - Updated - - -

    I was in the fog fully aware
    Nice intro Disciple. Straight away I feel like I'm not dealing with pretence but real life.
    Who hasn't felt this sentence? Nice honesty. Raw.

    Only got split seconds and the other times? if I was even there
    I like the rhyme scheme, I like the flow. I like the wording.
    When your world shift to slow mo
    Ugh. Im silly for saying this but ...maybe it should be shiftS?
    Little things like that stop my flow. Snobby I know, but still, you have a flow and for it to be stagnated by a missing S is a shame.

    Things are more important, things you will never know
    I come from high culture slapped back to ghetto
    top notch
    I lived both sides so my demeanor is different
    Rich or poor it was both vociferent
    Not sure what that last word means but its impressive lol. The imagery given off in these sentences is thick because the pictures you've drawn move. They move across paper with a pace that/s almost chasing them.
    You've built an atmosphere. You're an architect of air.

    Sitting sideways one day made me cry
    So back to my poor, back to my side when they all asked why
    For my jasmine
    My jasmine live behind castles walls
    Yeah. Nice. Very nice.
    But as toy soldiers when one down, we all fall
    Edit. again, maybe it should be 'one's'? Regardless, the personification is almost silent music in my mind.
    I can hear and see the clinking of bits of tin. Little perfect soldiers falling like dominoes.

    Walking - looking back remembering every bit
    Soldiers training a general they contemplate as we sit
    They all know I’m a higher one day
    Trying to pull a “pac” on me is all I have to say
    Is all I live for in this day
    Besides my Jasmine
    Excluding Jasmine is sensational. Everything turns to dust except....your Jasmine.
    It all fades to grey, but she still emits a glow, and you bring that to me when I read this.
    You make it real. Little sentences. Big imagery. Good job.

    Game I ain’t trying to chase a cat - I’m just running back
    But no longer will I sit here and allow the disrespect in attack
    God chose - he was ghost - I was life
    Street sweeper to General - not Cinderella to wife
    You really have such a wonderful way with words. And you seem to have an endless supply, which is something to be
    envied by writers like me. I truly believe you're a real lyricist. You have a gift. Drawn from experiences, spiced up with emotions and colourful wording and touched by not only the grace of God by but pain and angst. Once more, its real, its raw, its honest and it good.

    And I too will raise mine if even in death so it to be
    Bit odd this placement here, but its whatever because of your following line.
    But you better not dare lie to jasmine when it comes to me
    Love it. Love it. Love it. Shows certainty. Shows who's boss. Its sexy.
    I ain’t ever met a female stronger than me
    So pardon me if I can’t bow down or respect
    Pardon me while I reshuffle this deck
    oh fuck thats good. thats good writing. flows like water. once more, sounds honest, raw, real.
    Not one that actually walks the streets and just pretends to be
    Speaks about all that it’s like pretending to be me
    Some crack head hoe who swear she my death
    And I put it on my last breath
    Just like she put that k on that meth
    You've got street scenes playing out like a movie. Your words, I envy what you have right here.

    A disease
    A disease you just infect the hood
    Now fall back and just respect as you should
    Ah man, that confidence is a serious turn on. It's that confidence that makes the reader believe in you, in your words and
    pictures, in the sounds, in the atmosphere. its in the tone.

    Jasmines on my mind so you better tell them get the fuck back up
    If I don’t make it, you make them stand again and just say yup
    And to that bitch...
    You may be the one to call the guns aiming at me
    But three times I survived and you can’t ever take my virginity
    Experience does something great to writers. It allows them to bleed on paper. And while Im wiping up the gore, Im also in awe
    of survivors.

    Raised among wolves but I wasn’t the one in sheep‘s clothing
    I didn’t have a pack I was all alone babysitting their sleep stopping they choking while they all chasing a thrown
    So maybe the next world is mine I learned by watching you not to fuck up
    Cause this is just level one - pyre stand the fuck back up
    While you sticking pins in my skin or my eyes - my heart growls
    There's a representational process here that carries through without breaking the mold of the story.
    Once more, free falling, easy to read. fluid.

    Remembering every “I thought it was a lie” counting owls
    I seen him at the cones, back then I was only 14
    So know every step ahead of you and your fortune already seen
    Oh I didn’t have a vest? Took three to the vagina and still lived
    Regretting every moment I ever forgived
    That last line though...that last line kills me. Even the fact that you said the word vagina in a friggen poem is...
    I dont even know. Who does that and gets away with it? Yeah but, you can. And you did. And you won with that last line.
    That last line to me is gold. 'Regretting every moment I ever forgived'.... God. I've felt that. It's so well placed.
    Its so well said. Its a great line.


    Listen...Ok, listen. This pause here is perfect. It knocks the reader (me. Cause I don't feed for masses, I feed for me) into submission. It makes me stop and if I wasnt taking you seriously before, I am now. Im listening even more than before.
    That pause is perfectly placed imo.





    For jasmine I say fine, for my jasmine I spit every line
    For Jasmine who gonna watch over all of mine
    For Jasmine - my faith and my nine

    Great outro. The repetitiveness cements the certainty, the seriousness, the conviction.
    The outro finishes it like great big fat red bow on a well wrapped present.
    I love Jasmine without knowing Jasmine. I love the way you've put her so high up, there isnt a smidgen
    of a doubt how you feel. And there's no one that can tell you any different.
    Great outro.


    Disciple, I didn't play the music. This piece had its own melodical flow as I read it.
    I haven't been here for nearly two years. But for some reason this piece drew me in to the point where
    I had to come back and take my hat off to you and say bravo for being the artist you are.
    Don't change for no one. Just keep doing you. Your signature style is there but has evolved since I was here
    so long ago and I'm proud of the free flowing writer you are.

    I can definitely see you as an accomplished lyricist in this genre.
    You draw from the heart and its your conviction that wins me over in this piece.

    Great stuff.

    Top job.


    Thank you.

  5. #5
    MAD! A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: Jasmine

    Thank you @Emily ... glad you’re back and look forward to reading about your experiences since you been gone too

    - - - Updated - - -

    Thank you @Emily ... glad you’re back and look forward to reading about your experiences since you been gone too
    +~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~¥~+
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  6. #6
    MAD! A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: Jasmine

    I'm glad... it's why I like to write. How people relate... and like life is too short to make all the mistakes yourself. Pop Smoke dying broke my heart like Nipsey did. It seem like a hood great can't seem to step up and get in. EVER hardly. When did music get as dangerous as civil rights?
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  7. #7
    MAD! A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: Jasmine

    Missin U

    Breath to breath I started missing you
    You betrayed me and now I can’t help how my heart do
    When I looked back I saw the whole shit
    The studio on Whitlock
    That’s when they hit
    You never should’ve left that day when k came
    He just a trick bitch that’s mad lame they set up in the game
    I figured as such the same
    Only a game I don’t want to play
    Too late to be down and they don’t care what I say
    All my dreams just got washed away
    I do pray for my baby girl still every day
    But it’s fucked up how it does my memory
    Dark clouds - L might’ve peeped it they were literally over your head in that pic
    The one of you checking the mail
    I was complete and happy and the home we made fit - legit
    Yeah sometimes I’d bleed a bit
    They already know for nothing now
    Now they can’t offer or give me shit
    Out the business so I didn’t have a clue
    You already knew I’d always look out for you (I didn’t fall in I jumped when I heard it was you)
    Did you get out? I prayed so when you changed your number
    But why I’d get so sick…
    I think cause that bitch stole my slumber
    And then here came another
    Self sacrifice? For my brethren and they already know
    Wasn’t standing with the pedis it was the murderers you know
    I don’t like that shit either
    I wasn’t even a believer
    When I went down south
    I had a glitch when me and meech had the same dream
    Then he tried to set me up too and I don’t want licks on my team
    But I went and cried to my psych and for years I was alright
    Jealousy? Nah it wasn’t that
    Idk what turned them bitches smiling in my face while stabbing me in my back
    I don’t got to attack
    I pray they surrounded and now they know
    Art of War? Yeah that book I already know
    But it’s not all going to crash down just have to be patient and move slow
    And now I know…
    He said it too… I guess it was foe
    Please keep him safe and happy though
    I wanted it to be real so bad
    But I don’t do very well when I’m sad
    I started to realize things a twin flame wouldn’t do
    But that don’t mean I want to get back with you
    I’m thru… I don’t know who punished me on earth
    Or think I’m a change my religion like some twisted rebirth
    I wanted so bad for it to be true
    But we get what we need not want we want when fighting to get thru
    Wtf did I do that he traded me too?
    wtf did I do that they all always do…
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  8. #8
    Princess Jonny Knows Candy's Avatar
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    Re: Jasmine

    the rebirth part was sick, soo frikken dopen like you hold the attent poeticly through the dream line with so much emotion then pop the bubbe with the rebirth part.. the whole stanze just dripped what the reader needed to reed to feel refreshed but its funny the verse actually opens up like that - jasmine perfect name.. princess

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  9. #9

    Re: Jasmine

    It’s been edited a little bit mostly true… I would’ve said Vv
    +~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+
    As much as I hallucinate and see him…
    I’m willing to take that chance

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