tall tale

[Sammy]

tall tales with witches dwarves and elves
battling for light and dark souls in hell
heaven's beacon shining enroute
angels recite hymns as their songs shout
i surveyed the battle field and saw blood and guts
lost arms, broken wings disjointed clusters
satan enters the fray but was met by gabriel
trolls and witches battled dwarves and elves
genghis khan commanded satan army with stampeding hooves
alexander the great lead Gabriel's crew with sandal shoes
history clashes with mights of mystical proportion
ZWOOOOPP,,,, i'm back in my room .. laptop processing

links http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...we-quot-tistic
http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php?488368-She

[whoami]

Some advice: I scoped your feedback links and they are utter garbage. When giving someone feedback, you should be analyzing and breaking down their writing into pieces in order to praise on what they executed well and offer improvement recommendations on what they could fix or add. I'll hook you up with some feedback since this got slept on, which in itself is understandable because your feedback links suck. Hopefully my feedback will give you a better idea. I do not purport to be the world's greatest feedback initiator, but it may lay some insight into what writers are looking for and would ultimately appreciate it.

You definitely have a creative mind. That's good for starters. You obviously get the general idea of rhyming, but you have a lot of work to do to help revise this technique. You have the potential to tell intriguing stories with your abundance of fantasy elements. Your vocabulary is good which aids in painting nice pictures with your imagery. As a beginner, you have potential. Don't take my criticisms as negative.

You need to step up your rhyme schemes and incorporate more fluid multisyllable rhymes to help revolutionize your style of writing. Internal rhymes in your lines are always a positive. There was a time you did not rhyme at all and was just kind of random: "blood and guts / cluster." Not rhyming is not necessarily a bad thing 100% of the time, but it is completely dependent upon the effect you are looking for with such a line. The way it's written now, there is no distinct effect for standing on its own. I would also avoid the repetition of words unless they serve some higher purpose, such as for some sort of artistic effect, e.g. you rhymed and ended sentences with "elves" twice." The story itself seemed all over the place, really chaotic, as if you started out with a line or two and just kept writing without any cohesive story.

I do like the ending effect, but just not a fan of its execution. I feel like the "zwoop" was cheesy but I do like the idea that it was only a fantasy world being described by a computer user evidently playing a video game or doing research on these fantastical topics. Overall, as aforementioned, I can tell you have potential. Keep writing.

[A Disciple]

I think everybody that here is here for a reason and I liked it. Would’ve liked it more if the flow and rhyme scheme hit more naturally but that’s not to take away from the content. I’m not a pro so personally I can’t rip it apart or break it down line for line but keep writing - I would LOVE to hear more.

[austinzz]

I think everybody that here is here for a reason and I liked it. Would’ve liked it more if the flow and rhyme scheme hit more naturally but that’s not to take away from the content. pdf to jpg

[A Disciple]

@austinzz dead up and I totally agree

[Black Hornet]

your first few lines were interesting, captured my attention, but midway you kinda lost me. I thought your flow was a little forced and I got caught up having to reread a couple lines like this one;

"genghis khan commanded satan army with stampeding hooves
alexander the great lead Gabriel's crew with sandal shoes"

although i interpreted this line metaphorically, i felt it detracted from your overall impression because of the historical inaccuracies, to me i thought your wording in other lines as well could have been changed up or made to fit together better. Overall its a decent piece i was drawn to read it because of the title, but the title doesn't really match because i expected to read a story or Tale, but i felt you just presented some unconnected statements instead of telling a tale. I got the feeling that you wanted to talk about various unconnected events in a way that each individual line felt like pieces of a story rather than one continuous tale. However please understand that compared to a lot of other pieces i have read in the past it stands out because of some of the strong imagery, keep it up man id give you a 6.5/10.