Get Back Up

[NoNun2]

Get Back Up

I can’t even write or look at you cause who knew?
Everyone but me!
As a result this here is as be
For some reason I’m the one that can’t look you in your eye…
Cause you won’t tell me why and all I have to listen to is them lie…
And now I also I have to drink to cry
I believe in life after death
But pac… is there any hope left
I used to hate hope because it just sets you up for disappointment when you believe
But it really does keep you going I have to agree
I never did have any tricks up my sleeve
But now the trick supposed to be me?
Just please help me to finally see clearly
That’s all…
April 29th though? That was dead wrong
But you must’ve felt like I did you wrong or you was just trying to move on
And if you did or didn’t holla in some type of way or song
Why would someone like me think you love me cause of who you were and my memories were literally gone!
Help me to be sane
Violate all them mother fuckers that think I’m their game
Tell them let us know when they go insane
If there is anything about that, that’s my shame?
Just the stupid things I did or do but can’t help
Just like they got away with me laying on a metal shelf
It’s gross it’s icky cause they still on me and refuse to get off my body
How am I supposed to get back up if they’re still doing it… I swear to God and to you it’s NOT ME
I relapsed again… heard you say 13 and glitched fuck out
Then my bf tried to control me so I just flipped the fuck out and continued to shout
But to tell my mom those lies
wtf IS really going on and wtf IS this about?
I’ll get back up this time if you pray for me
But be honest ain’t too many sunny days I see
But I’m the one acting funny?
I’m pouring my heart out every rhyme
Now they going to say it’s not mine?
They can’t stand that it’s for the money I’m trying to climb
How would they feel if everytime they tried to get back up…they like nope your gift is mine
And then I get hit with the dumbest shit that makes me sick every single time
Fucking with a mentally ills persons head and body and security - should be a hate crime
Make them all pay their own fine
I’m done crying cause they the ones lying!

- - - Updated - - -

I’m just trying to break free and get some help with the things I know or knew anything about

- - - Updated - - -

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...On-The-Hunt%94

- - - Updated - - -

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...l-girl-panties

[bigBerd]

Okay, this is like, really raw. Like tell the waiter to send it back 'cause the steak is still moo'ing raw. There's a lot of emotion but it needs to be refined. Bring it back to the lab; there's potential here but it lacks direction, focus, and most of all, it lacks grip. There's not much, as a reader, to hold onto as the verse progresses.

but here's my thoughts


"And now I also I have to drink to cry"
Could be a typo, but it reads like a stutter and that actually kind of works. Lots of emotion in this line, one of the realest bars here.


"I believe in life after death
But pac… is there any hope left"
wait a second is this about tupac i'm confused


"Why would someone like me think you love me cause of who you were and my memories were literally gone!"
Okay, you need a line break here somewhere. Or trim it up somehow cause this bar is toooooooo looooong.


"Just like they got away with me laying on a metal shelf
It’s gross it’s icky cause they still on me and refuse to get off my body"
Wait a second this sounds like you got raped in prison.


"Make them all pay their own fine
I’m done crying cause they the ones lying!"
'done crying' is as good a way as any to end a verse but the rest of this bar is just so weak. Paying fines doesn't feel like a strong metaphor here. And maybe something as simple as switching it up to "they the ones lying, but/so now I'm done crying" would give it more oomph.
Either way, do what you want with it, it's your poem after all not mine. Deep shit regardless, thanks for sharing.

godbless.

[Slashe]

I agree with Bigberd's comment about the emotion shown in this piece. When reading through this, I felt that it was strong enough to capture the readers attention. I think that a different title may be more suffice for this piece, but you definitely stayed on topic.

Descent Drop.

[Lady Poet]

very creative
decent personals
The flow so deep
I like how you tell you tell story part of being a good writer

[NoNun2]

Not to be disrespectful but when I write lately all I hear is Jay z say in my head don’t give them your best shit for free

Thanks for the feedback - I appreciate it and will work on my skills