Run Bitch!!!!run!!!!

[FanTa ZeE]

Shit its/
8 o' clock on a saturday night/
Some kids they been drinking/
They try starting a fight/
So you walk by givin em grief/
Thinkin it smart/
But tomorrow morning, that shit hit you hard/
You step onto the street, they come round the bend/
You run and they catch you, you scream 'this is the end!'/
You see the glint of the blade/
But then all memories fade/
Your nothing but shit in a hospital bed!/
You pissed em' off Jonny now they wanting you dead/
You think i'm mistaken? You dont believe what i said?/
This is only the fucking beginning/
They aint no way of winning/
You'll die before they quit!/

Damn you pissed em off real good! To my homie Jonny, shit i feel you man. Yo peeps! tell me what ya think of this one, i didnt have much time, and i'm new, so help me out here yeah?

Peace xx xx xx

[Verbatim]

well....in my opinion this wasn't very good
vocab was weak, structure wasn't very good
flow was alright i guess


Make your lines longer, and up your vocab
elevate, and you'll be alright
keep practicing,

[FanTa ZeE]

yeah thanx there is a story behind this rhyme and it didnt take long, just sorta popped in2 my head like. Keep postin.

peace xx xx xx

[Bossman]

Straight considerin your new, sorta choppy, not good imagary or imagination, wordplay was weak, and it had a descent topic. Elevation is needed, but this was ok considering your circumstances.
~1~

[FanTa ZeE]

thanx Bossman! luv 2 reed sum ov ur shit sumtime! lol wot u mean my circumstances???

keep on posting, i need advice!!!

peace out!

[Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic]

This was....welll....yeah..it needs work.
Number one, get a flow.
This had no real flow, just seems like puttin words together.
Read some open mics, and you'll get the idea.
Next off you need vocabulary. This is where you get an overall image of the whole situation, this is where storytelling becomes interesting, that and metaphors which also need to be present at times. All you have to do is keep elvatin, and never stop, you'll get the hang of it.