A Silent Scream

[Koalatee]

In my opinion, this was one of my lackluster writtens. . I was in a propaganda mode & was forced to write a story. This was for Topical 101, by the way. Useful feedback, please.

We lie witness to the trials of a press that would singe prose. .
& has spent thousands of hours perfecting their Jessica Lynch shows
The potential saviors of my 'special' neighbor hone a song to be sung
But their minds have wandered elsewhere, along with their funds
Ten years young & balding; God's light has dimmed & been curbed extinct
Pre-puberty, he deals with more facial hair than the women of Murder Inc.
The heart dreads a smart head that endeavors to catch his drift(s)
Whilst his fate basks at hearth's edge; next to network executives
"Life is worthless, I might deserve this. ." I read it in his diary
He realized home evolved to house him in a crevace of society
Scapegoats are useless, each situation ought to teem with facts. .
But it proves no system's perfect, & you could fall between the cracks
Treason-sponsored, reasons squandered - thoughts profound but implausible
Alone & witless, while prone to sickness. . the sound is inaudible
Truthful & painful. . His story will, in part, deplete resurgance. .
'Cos a scream's volume matters not when it starts beneath the surface

[Echo]

it was iight.......the flow was good, but I would think about your choice in topics........i think you had some good wordplay, but you need to work on multies....pz

[Morbid Manner]

i agree with echo the flow was good but your topic wasnt. work on your topics and elevate.

vote on my battle @
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...hreadid=105618

[Methane]

^ He didn't choose this topic. . you imbecile

as Much as I don't agree with set topics, like that of Topical101, I feel you made the best of this. . The flow seemed comfortable and natural but it seemed like you struggled for words on occasions. .

Ten years young & balding; God's light has dimmed & been curbed extinct
Pre-puberty, he deals with more facial hair than the women of Murder Inc.

I didn't really like the second part of these two lines. . however, saying that, the first part was definately quotable . .

. . that aside, the lyrical content was superb and I have to say the ending had me in awe:

Treason-sponsored, reasons squandered - thoughts profound but implausible
Alone & witless, while prone to sickness. . the sound is inaudible
Truthful & painful. . His story will, in part, deplete resurgance. .
'Cos a scream's volume matters not when it starts beneath the surface

Definative nice piece. . keep it up, my pedigree chum. .

[Methane]

Always let your mind wonder, when writting. .

[SinfiC]

I really liked this piece for what it was, I wasn't sure what point was trying to be made but the flow and structure was on point. It didn't really sound like a flow tho, it sounded more like a poem to me but other than that it was good, take the advice of workin on other topics and let your mind develop the plot....keep writtin...take it Ez.....yo, and isn't this a chick who wrote this? (thats what I get from the pics of the grl on his/her screen name)

[Baron Mynd]

I read it.