My Life

[Destructive]

Chorus:
If there was 1 day in which i could depart my mind
leave my soul castrated and left behind
I will leave these steps of life to the travelin kind

1st verse:

The first day after the start of my life
I affected the life of a husband and wife
I came out screaming, bleeding, searching for life
While i finally see the meaning ahead the tunnel of light
I know i'm not dreaming, because ahead thru the tunnel i see bright eyes beaming
scared of my future i start weaping and screaming
Everyones happy for im new to this life, set free at last from the cut of a knife

~~~Chorus~~~

2nd verse:

But now at age 10 i have differant thoughts than which my life began
on my Diamondback riding with no hands
because im free as a Bird with the words free meaning absured
I'm living and learning, but my life starts decaying and yearning
as fast as crack dealers cigarette burning
I see my life turning
Gang and criminal life im learning
Even if joing a gang means my mind has lost it
Gods never helped so i started preaching agnostic

~~~Chorus~~~

3rd verse:

I'm over the hill now, Livin life in the projects still now
Gangs and Drugs i've had my fill now
Walking down the street im not afraid to get killed now
travelin frees me, till i can't walk and my legs are kicked from beneath me
How long must i suffer this life?
Stabbed in the back by the world with the words forming the knife

~~~Chorus~~~

Final verse:

Last days to follow
words have pent up and left my sole hollow
not many people can swallow this type of hatred
I'm hopefully leavin this life sedated
knowing my time on earth was wasted
Now i'm searchin for sanctity to service
Turn back to God nervous,, Bit can he reach me?
Sittin here wondering if i have filled my life completely
I believe so I leave these last words Freely..

~~~Chorus~~~



hardships come and hardships go... follow the path that you wish to suceed in ... don't ever let ne one tell you otherwise...
some people have hard lifes be happy with what your given and dont take ne thing for granted peace and much love to my RB family

Destructive

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...58#post1239058
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...66#post1239066

[Mag...]

Chorus:
If there was 1 day in which i could depart my mind
leave my soul castrated and left behind
I will leave these steps of life to the travelin kind
^^kinda switched tenses on the fly here... felt awkward to me...

1st verse:

The first day after the start of my life
I affected the life of a husband and wife
I came out screaming, bleeding, searching for life
While i finally see the meaning ahead the tunnel of light
I know i'm not dreaming, because ahead thru the tunnel i see bright eyes beaming
scared of my future i start weaping and screaming
Everyones happy for im new to this life, set free at last from the cut of a knife
^^interesting rhyme structure... i'd like to hear this done by you live... i kinda get the idea from reading it myself...

~~~Chorus~~~

2nd verse:

But now at age 10 i have differant thoughts than which my life began
on my Diamondback riding with no hands
because im free as a Bird with the words free meaning absured
I'm living and learning, but my life starts decaying and yearning
as fast as crack dealers cigarette burning
I see my life turning
Gang and criminal life im learning
Even if joing a gang means my mind has lost it
Gods never helped so i started preaching agnostic
^^not even close to the previous rhyme scheme... not a big deal but i think the flow is not happening in my head now... and i didn't like reading 'learning' twice... not a necessary multi...
~~~Chorus~~~

3rd verse:

I'm over the hill now, Livin life in the projects still now
Gangs and Drugs i've had my fill now
Walking down the street im not afraid to get killed now
travelin frees me, till i can't walk and my legs are kicked from beneath me
How long must i suffer this life?
Stabbed in the back by the world with the words forming the knife
^^vocab has fallen back... the flow suffers from no multi/internal rhyme scheme.. seemed... brief...

~~~Chorus~~~

Final verse:

Last days to follow
words have pent up and left my sole hollow
not many people can swallow this type of hatred
I'm hopefully leavin this life sedated
knowing my time on earth was wasted
Now i'm searchin for sanctity to service
Turn back to God nervous,, Bit can he reach me?
Sittin here wondering if i have filled my life completely
I believe so I leave these last words Freely..
^^i think it just got stretched out and choppy here...
~~~Chorus~~~

hardships come and hardships go... follow the path that you wish to suceed in ... don't ever let ne one tell you otherwise...
some people have hard lifes be happy with what your given and dont take ne thing for granted peace and much love to my RB family

^^uneven verses.... so i don't think it worked... but maybe i need to hear it... needs a bit of complexity and vocab... keep working and reply to my stuff... appreciated

[Destructive]

uppin, for more feedbacks

[R.Roots]

I Dont like this.

[Endeva.]

i didnt really find this very good, you have the basis to write good, but i thought in this you were a bit choppy, i wasnt really feeling the scheme, seemed all over the place.... you had some parts where it was decent, but i would eeven it out a bit... a few syllables removed and added in places.... keep working on it.... also id lengthen your verses a bit.... quite short......... hit my latest.....

[$carface]

i agree with dev.... some parts of it seemed a little stretched...
structure was not good at all shoulda made all lines at least equal in length...
not to say i didnt enjoy dis cuz u were headed in teh right direction
dis was a nice concept..

hit me up with a reply fo dis

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118288

[Destructive]

uppin for more votes

[Penskills]

uppin for more votes

^HUH? what votes?

[Accana]

it was good but not brilliant

check this http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118621

[Destructive]

lol, i mean feedback...

[Destructive]

uppin again............