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Topic = Mental Suffering
House rules
10-20 lines
no freeposting
no bullshit votes
no d/r votes
no unexplained votes
no herb votes
and if u wack don't vote
Topic = Mental Suffering
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MY AIM IS ETEJOHNSON
Checkin.. I'll drop when i have time
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Mentally Suffering
A phoetus which gradually grew not knowing the weakness inside
That the life he prolongued..would refrain from vision to provide
An inspired soul must reach out and grasp this unseen light
But his eyes are forever empounded with the dark of night
His permanantly closed eyes are forbidden to see an act of life
But surely he can capture a mental image of his child and wife
His life isn't as fulfilling as possible without the use of his eyes
And he cant remove this burden..no matter how hard he tries
A speachless creation claim's to guide him where he needs
But how does he gain enthusiasm for where he suceeds
Surely the sight of this man must be contained elsewhere
Cause i how can he live a visionless life..its just unfair
It takes the strongest of inner strength to live a happy existence
And it takes a some assistance..but most of all his own persistence
Hell or Heaven...this mind and soul has the power to conquer all
And still he picks himself up and continues strongly...if he's to fall
The thoughts passed around that the handicaped are inferior
But for the lack of features he has...only makes this human superior
So the soul within posseses this human's strength and might
But most importantly it's the heart of a blind man's sight
G/L
(now that ain't nothing but suffering )
Last edited by Godfather(2); March 20th, 2004 at 11:53 PM
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MY AIM IS ETEJOHNSON
"Mentally Suffering"
I was born and raised, with no big family relationship
No family love, Genes were our only relation.. shit
I got no attention, no support at little league games
Unlike most kids, my father never gave me little G names
My mother.. what can i say when i was 8, she left & split
I was left with my father, and a house full of shit
He not 1 time made me a meal, i had to feed alone
When school was over, i begged not to go home
They looked at me like i was crazy, but i was just mentally in pain
If you had to live with my father for 1 minute, you'd go mentally insane
I can't explain, all i can say is.. my family is worthless
Never had money for shit, cuz dad's lazy ass was workless
I had to find money in the streets, juss to eat
Meals barely came, as my health took a beat
I could feel pain phsycially, but mentally too.. what should i do
Trust me if you was me, when my dads drunk, you'd try & hide too
He beat me a few times, he has no recolection of it though
He use to bring home hoes, but i couldn't leave.. had no where to go
My mental state was abused, i felt confused... i needed help
Took a knife from the kitchen, slit my throat.. now my life was delt!
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hmmmm...Both of you approached this topic very differently.
Creativity goes to ILL first of all.
Godfather(2)...no doubt, I won't question your verse...but you lacked a creativity side to it. You basically just...explained mental suffering...while ILL on the other hand...told his in the format of a story...you understand what I am saying?
2nd, ILL also caught the imagination of this topic more. Godfather(2) ....your's was just..."He does this, and then he does this, and then you do this, and then this"...Nothing really to imagine. Kinda like you were writing a report on this topic or sumthin...but again, the story format did wonders for ILL, since his, you visualize.
3rd, Personal enjoyment...ILL got this too. Just because of the creative story.
The battle was kinda close, My breakdown makes it sound like a merking but it wasn't...ILL simply came with more to offer than Godfather(2)...Suggestion for Godfather(2) ...implement something creative into your verse. It will really help a lot. ILLunatic...you should also increase your vocabulary...Topical battles require a strong poetic language...you need to obtain that.
v/ - ILLunatic
I'll disagree to a certain degree...
Godfather... he just had a little bit subtler method of telling this story... it was rich in description with... very few errors in structure... rhyme scheme was simple yet effective... vocab was solid... I felt the wordplay lacked somewhat and it could have been more rich with multis...
Ill ... though you could have come a bit stronger... a decent story... and although more obviously told... it seemed plain... with sparse vocab and rhymes... not that bad really... but nothing stood out to me in imagery... I think a few deeper metaphors would have made it an easier vote... but as it is ....it turned out real close...
vote... ... ... godfather... check the battle in my sig... please
Hence Forward
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votes
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MY AIM IS ETEJOHNSON
I disagree with West also..
I liked the way Godfather approached this. It was a story, but at the same time it wasnt. Hard to explain lol. I dont even know if he meant it like that but it was really cool. The imagery, yea, it was a lil weak. However, creativity and rhyme scheme were really strong.
ILLunatic, Mag was right, alot if not most of your verse was pretty basic. It did however, paint a nice picture, which made it enjoyable to read. You had an alright approach, but I think, personally, you talked more about the surroundings than mental suffering itself. Let me put it this way..if I were reading your verse and didnt know what the topic was, I would have a hard time guessing..
Anywho..nice topical from both, as close as it was, godfather gets my vote here.
Vote: Godfather 2
P.S. Godfather, you forgot to poll vote in the battle you voted on here..
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=120587
pissypants77: do i hear sumbodys dick gettin sucked?Originally Posted by .iLL.
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i wasnt gunna reply to that shit, but fuck that man..i took my time reading both urs and thats what i get..
w/e
^^^i thought those were ur best lines........had pretty good imagery......overall ur verse was pretty good........it had some metas.......the imagery was good.......there was some emotion.......u brought out the topic pretty good.......it made for a good read......
^^^that was a very tight twist......had two metas.......great imagery and emotion.......overall ur verse was tight......it had metas when needed.......great imagery and emotion, they were by far the best things in this verse.......i liked how u brought out the topic, it was unique and the twist at the end was tight.....
conclusion - this was a pretty good topical battle......both came with good verses......but i liked illunatics more.......he had better imagery and emotion.......and i was feelin how he brought out the topic, but i think when he wrote about the kid killin himself at the end, thats what won this.......
VOTE - ILLUNATIC
yo can u guys peep the battle in my sig since i took the time to vote on this.......
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^Appreciated..
UPPIN#2
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aight theres important shit to understand here..............................
.................................................. ...........ILLunatic takes storyscheme....
and for creativity goes to god...........but i thought you was vauge n areas........
........................................i felt no real story n yours........................
i just thought the story of ILLunatic was more captavating................
....................................he was talking about his life when young.................
i felt more into it and flowed into it more...........................................
...........................................i mean of course it coulda been better.......
but so does your story factor could of too god....................................
......................this shit was basicly tie but ill say ILLunatic by a hair.....
took this with his story value to it and it was nice......................
............................overall ILLuna gets 8/10.........................
and god gets 8/10 see it was close but imma give it to ILLunatic.......
...............................for having storyscheme aight.............................
go vote on my battles and give feedback too...........................
.....................close one here nice drop from both and both can elavate..
VOTE/ILLunatic......................but not by much..................peaceout..
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You and periods.. i swear to god
Are you on them occasionally?
Lol anyways..
UPPIN#3
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lol^^^
overall a good battle for illunatic
but damn god u suck at topical's u bascially introduced the hole topic
line from ill :
Unlike most kids, my father never gave me little G names
My mother.. what can i say when i was 8, she left & split
I was left with my father, and a house full of shit
He not 1 time made me a meal, i had to feed alone
When school was over, i begged not to go home
They looked at me like i was crazy, but i was just mentally in pain
If you had to live with my father for 1 minute, you'd go mentally insane
^^^^ nice stiff
line from god:
But his eyes are forever empounded with the dark of night
His permanantly closed eyes are forbidden to see an act of life
But surely he can capture a mental image of his child and wife
His life isn't as fulfilling as possible without the use of his eyes
And he cant remove this burden..no matter how hard he tries
u basicaly instoduced the whole topic and not anythin else
breakdown:
opener:ill
flow:ill
multies: none
punchlines:none , duh
stayed on topic:both
enjoy readin:ill
closer:ill
v/illunatic
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