barb wire heart

[prophacyz]

i'm reposting this so maybe it'll get some fuckin feedback.

Barbed Wire Heart

Sharp barbs puncturing every
crevasse. Disconnected ventricles.
With my heart in my hand I watch
as all my emotion seeps out through
each orifice.

Wires wrapped tightly around
Draining out every drop of life.
Tighter and tighter its squeezed.
Deeper and deeper the barbs go.
No one can imagine
the pain I feel as I stand and watch
myself die.

The final life is filtered out of me;
as the last drop splashes to the
stained floor, my heart,
still in hand, turns slowly to
a gray shade, and then to a charcoal
black. Just as quickly as it lost its color,
it withered up and to the floor we crumble.
Soaked in the blood that was forced from
me, we dissolve into nothingness.

[Dead and Famous]

>>its good graphically, i can visualize the heart in your hand and watchin the emotion drain as the piece progresses
>>as for lyrically, i can tell just by your number of posts, and the crew you are with it is not your best peice but i like it
pz DF

[prophacyz]

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[Hybrid]

this was nice you had good imagery and vocab. i could see wat u wanted to portray so basically your graphic discriptive words helped in this nice drop man keep more stuff like this comeing. and i'll keep reading them.

[Spoken]

i liked the look of this piece, the way you took it all into view. the descripitions you gave were well done, and you made it real, made us feel it. emotion i found was the main focus of this write, and it seemed striaght off the brain sorta deal, liek you just wrote it as it came. i think the structure could be looked at and fixed up, and that there could be more back ground to it, more detail to slow it down a bit and build it stronger.

check out awaken false hope

T

[prophacyz]

preciate it.....