http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=130838
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=59743
^^ replied to those two...
this is a story..it's kinda long tho...but I'd appreciate some crit...drop links and I'll reply with crit on ur stuff..this is also being done on audio but I haven't finished the recording..
Late last night, 18 year old Carie Mccullard noticed a strange man hiding in her yard, she telephoned police and received little help. In a tragic turn of events, both were found dead when the police arrived. We will keep you updated as we learn more on this..disturbing story..in other equally disturbing local news...
I was only 17 when the tragedy happened...
she was the only girl that wouldn't be laughin...
at me when I smiled, when I looked at her face...
her smell of perfume was as good as her taste...
her clothes weren't skanky, and man I respected...
the fact that she didn't sugarcoat her rejection...
of me, I asked her out repeatedly...
no after no, the answer defeated me...
but I said that I wouldn't give up...
every chance in the world would never be enough..
I followed her at school, and I went through her stuff...
read letters that she got from the dude that she fucked..
but he was cheatin on her..I could feel it in my heart...
and I wasn't gonna stop til I saw they were apart...
had to find a way to shit on his fakeness..
so I figured out his locker combination..
I found pictures of some other chick...
decided to investigate pretty quick...
I kept on snooping, found some letters n notes...
the last one I read stuck in my head...b/c he wrote
"I don't love her, your the one for me"
Reading those lines, my thoughts start to race..
the rhythm throughout my heart lost it's pace..
he was doin her wrong, but she was naiive...
his face now compares with the demons I see...
I snatched the letter along with the photos...
the girl, posing for him with no clothes on...
I had to expose this fake mutha fucker...
and prove to Carrie that he doesn't love her...
I left the shit in her bookbag that day...
along with the number to where I stay...
didn't leave my name, just told her to call..
explained it all to her, later when we talked..
she called me back later, said he had confessed...
and by the sounds of her sobs she was a mess...
I found where the dude lived and entered his house...
with my daddy's gun, and I put it in his mouth..
"18 year old, Mark Rogers was found dead in his bedroom earlier in the evening after an argument with his girlfriend..Police are classifying this as a suicide at the moment, but nothing is for sure.."
I ran back home, and I called her up...
she answered the phone, then quickly hung up...
when I told her what I did, I looked at the time..
5 A.M, I got her address from my shrine...
now I'm headin towards her house tonight...
standing in the yard, using candlelight...
I looked through the window, she was crying in her pillow..
so I rapped on the window, she wouldn't let me in tho..
so I broke in, and I stood in her room...
I could still smell the aroma of perfume...
I tried to explain, I only wanted to help...
but for all of my love, it was hatred she felt...
this was a feeling I just couldn't understand...
but if she doesn't love me, nobody can..
I looked her in the eyes, and I held her hand...
and left my suicide note, on her nightstand...
"apparently Carrie, had a stalker, the stalker broke into her room at 6am saturday night...in a rage he took his own life..the bullet from his gun somehow, managed to kill both of them..this is a tragic turn of events, and I can't understand how anybody could go so far as to do this..stay tuned because we'll have more on this gruesome story, as the details develope..."
lemme know if you understood the story...give me crit..keep in mind this is for audio, and I'll post the finished song if anyone wants me to..I took out the chorus's too...
peace
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