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Thread: Im Gettin This Published What Yall Think

  1. June 21st, 2004, 02:20 PM #1
    STUBBY
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    Im Gettin This Published What Yall Think

    WHAT HAPPENED

    I get a girl and lose her its like a curse
    Day after day it gets worse and worse
    The day it was supposed to end was never
    This girl and I were supposed to last forever
    I've lost her now and i think i'm going insane
    I wish there was someone to take away the pain
    I didn't realize that it would hurt this much
    It's over, and we don't even keep in touch
    I wish she would come back into my life
    we can have two kids, and she'll become my wife

    Months have passed and your still not here
    After all i've said it must not be clear
    I wish I knew what it was that I did wrong
    you know deep inside...... we still belong
    Our time together was not filled with laughter
    I wish it ended with happily ever after
    Instead of me doing nothing but recapping
    I just wanted to know what really happened
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  2. June 21st, 2004, 02:29 PM #2
    MC_Merc
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    thats some good stuuf, good flow, good structure, nothing forced but they weren't any internals or multis and the vocabe was very basic. But it had alot of meaning in it and was very good anyways.
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  3. June 21st, 2004, 02:30 PM #3
    MC_Merc
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    yo do me a favor and rate my shit, http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=133890
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  4. June 21st, 2004, 02:32 PM #4
    Thrust
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    this buds for you Thrust's Avatar
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    eh this was pretty genaric
    could have put so more emotion into it
    didn't really give a strong sence of much
    just didn't move me
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  5. June 21st, 2004, 02:38 PM #5
    Telekinetic
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    Ok piece for a simple poem I guess. Nothing mind boggling or anything. It was just a plain topic and was written the same. Try expanding your vocab more. It seemed sorta elementary in ways. Use some imagery also, it catches your readers attention and makes them feel emotion. Ohh by the way - The American Poet Society wants to publish a poem of mine in a book called Reflections. The piece is called Touching the Fire. It’s also nominated here for legends.

    Hit this up when you get time also:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=133915
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  6. June 21st, 2004, 02:54 PM #6
    STUBBY
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    Thanks For The Feed Guys Can I Get Some More Please
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  7. June 21st, 2004, 09:21 PM #7
    STUBBY
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    can i get some more feed please and thanks.........
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  8. June 26th, 2004, 10:27 PM #8
    ~Whitebread~
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    Wow! That was bomb! Im really impressed! Your really talented
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  9. June 26th, 2004, 11:36 PM #9
    Mistral
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    2 links of feedback or this gets closed Stubby.
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  10. June 26th, 2004, 11:41 PM #10
    Chris Black
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    ^Word. And you might as well leave the feed here:http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=134835


    Anyway. This was on the love topic. Many people do it so the creativity was nothing great. The flow of it was smooth though. I like the emotion in this piece. I just like more simple pieces, so this was a cool read. Short, simple and right to the point. Not great, but ok. Keep writing, homie. Hit my piece when you get a chance.

    -W1
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    axis powers
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  11. June 26th, 2004, 11:42 PM #11
    STUBBY
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    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=134827

    here is one
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  12. June 26th, 2004, 11:44 PM #12
    STUBBY
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    here is the second

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=134835
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  13. June 27th, 2004, 12:15 AM #13
    STUBBY
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    Any More Feed Please..................................
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  14. June 27th, 2004, 07:45 AM #14
    STUBBY
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    more feed please jus leave links..................
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  15. June 27th, 2004, 07:51 AM #15
    Endeva.
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    pretty simplistic, the story element was decent, seen it before tho.... the execution, i would have elaborated on... you didnt really hit the emotion too good.... and is this supposed to be a poem or what??... if not i would sort out the transitions. evey bar had a different rhyme, with nothing linking them....
    [youtube]99ns8n2S40g[/youtube]
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