User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Poetic Fighter

  1. #1
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    N.O.V.A.
    Age
    35
    Posts
    14,871
    Battle Record
    8-2

    Poetic Fighter

    Deep breaths
    He breathes death,
    Ready to detinate the rage that he kept
    His mind's decision seems set
    Yes, he's going to destroy them:
    These thoughts are all this boy dreamt

    He walks the halls of school unoticed
    He's furious but he never shows it
    Drowns himself in his notebook of poems,
    says he doesn't care if anyone knows him
    I wonder if he really feels what he speaks
    I want to know what the fuck does he seek..
    He's bleak, killing himself in thoughts so deep,
    that everynight night he's deprived of sleep.
    Hates the "fuckin' idiots" in his classes
    And all the "fagott nerds" with glasses
    He hates smart asses
    Hates people by the masses.

    He barely knows he's running away
    That his emotion is going to waste
    Society molded him this way, with clay
    His whole life is controlled by dismay
    He wakes up in the morning with a sigh
    Wondering, how, when, what, and why..
    was he created, dropped from the sky
    One day he broke down and began to cry
    Killing himself from inside, wanting so bad
    To die.

    No one noticed, No one cared.
    He was just there.
    Taken for granted,
    he is the air.
    murder murder

  2. #2
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Minnesota 651
    Posts
    6,472
    Battle Record
    91-11
    Awards OFOTK Champion Haiku Champion Legendary PC Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF 75+ Wins
    Aight Sharp.

    Except for one typo (second section, 8th line) I really like this piece. It was kinda simple, unlike the usual complex vocab you fill your pieces with, but the message still came accross and the emotion was well received by me. Imagry could have been up, but it didn't really hurt this piece. Overall this was a good drop, good subject and story. Keep at it man

    please peep "Til Death do us Part" in my sig
    A few achievements here and there

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  3. #3
    In The Shadows... ILLusions's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Pittsburgh
    Posts
    400
    Battle Record
    2-0
    Well Sharpie....I think I will break this one down for you.....

    Deep breaths
    He breathes death,
    Ready to detinate the rage that he kept
    His mind's decision seems set
    Yes, he's going to destroy them:
    These thoughts are all this boy dreamt

    ^^^
    Good start...setting the stage, emotion is well placed and structure is not normal but is good. Vocab is normal, nothing fancy....


    He walks the halls of school unoticed
    He's furious but he never shows it
    Drowns himself in his notebook of poems,
    says he doesn't care if anyone knows him
    I wonder if he really feels what he speaks
    I want to know what the fuck does he seek..
    He's bleak, killing himself in thoughts so deep,
    that everynight night he's deprived of sleep.
    Hates the "fuckin' idiots" in his classes
    And all the "fagott nerds" with glasses
    He hates smart asses
    Hates people by the masses.

    ^^^

    A lot of good rhyme schemes, besides normal lines you have that carry within four or so lines. Once again structure is set, continue with the emotion (building it)...like I already stated vocab was basic, nothing fancy.


    He barely knows he's running away
    That his emotion is going to waste
    Society molded him this way, with clay
    His whole life is controlled by dismay
    He wakes up in the morning with a sigh
    Wondering, how, when, what, and why..
    was he created, dropped from the sky
    One day he broke down and began to cry
    Killing himself from inside, wanting so bad
    To die.

    ^^^^

    Reached his peak here. You summed up the story/poem......everything looks nice....I like the reference to society ruining him....like it does to so many others.....


    No one noticed, No one cared.
    He was just there.
    Taken for granted,
    he is the air.

    ^^^^

    Nice end, you kept it simple. Most of the poem was simple yet effective in that your message was clear to everyone. Nice work.......

    ~Understream~


    Lost somewhere...


    "Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing."
    - Harriet Braiker

  4. #4
    .Angelic. shawty"B"'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Age
    34
    Posts
    1,570
    Battle Record
    2-0
    this was a pretty good peice. i liked it. not as deep and aw inspiring as others that you have created, but this was good none the less. i think that it has some nice imagery and also some emotion. The emotion was not as deep as it could have been and i also feel that you could have elaborated and lengthend the peice more, just to give it a little more that could make it awsome. i think that if you gave yourself a little bit more "room" to write, you would have created a better peice, but this was good either way......

    ...........fav part.........

    Deep breaths
    He breathes death,
    Ready to detinate the rage that he kept
    His mind's decision seems set
    Yes, he's going to destroy them:
    These thoughts are all this boy dreamt

    keep droppin
    return the favor

    ....bless

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  5. #5
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Los Angeles
    Posts
    12,158
    Battle Record
    3-0
    Awards WOP Champion
    Well although I like your drops sharp and this one is no exclusion, but I'm going to have to close this anyway. Two active threads rule...


    -Bounce

    [YOUTUBE]Av7yOXafS40?hd=1[/YOUTUBE]
    "World Class War" Official Music Video
    We can use all the views we can get, please support the Father/Daughter movement in hip hop. Do us a favor and post on your Facebook walls and such. Thank you


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Similar Threads

  1. The Fighter
    By Chris Black in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: January 28th, 2011, 12:18 AM
  2. Tekken x Street Fighter, Street Fighter x Tekken &
    By Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: September 3rd, 2010, 02:58 PM
  3. Fighter against Fighter
    By Erupt in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: July 31st, 2006, 05:35 AM
  4. fighter
    By now&then in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: July 23rd, 2005, 03:00 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •