Dirty politics

[djb]

i'm just a kid but i still got indepth insight
truth in my poems is what i aim to get right
sit tight while i bring it all in perspective
Cuz times been invested
watching how the government kept us so called "protected"
i decripted the hidden message
and found we don't really elect the elected
They gotta fit the correct criteria
gotta be at least 35 with cash and have larry king hearin ya
if you don't have both of those consider yourself done
no matter how diplomatic you are your back to sqaure one
they say "you wouldn't understand son"
why cuz im young you assume im iggnorant and dumb
some are too quick to stereotype
so now im thinking how can we unite
we got conservatives in the middle and wings on the left and right
it aint right we don't comprimise so there is no end in sight
we are split with republicans and democrats
and the president is like a switch hitter at bat
he is always trying to find the middle ground
cant think with out his cabinet of consultants around
Then he has the nerve to try and send me over there
if he really cared about iraq he wouldn't just talk about it on the air
he would have guns and comos strapped on leading the revolution over there
he is just tryin to finish daddy's work with innocent lives
leavin kids without fathers and making singles of wives
the point you tried to hide
but i could see it if i was blind
every politician i know is out for himself
we haven't fixed the deficit cuz bush ahs his wealth

Tell me what you think and please be honest. this is my first open mic so feel free to gimme some direction.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=146984

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=147003

[Photic]

Ok....

This was a nice piece, Nice
vocabulary and very nice flow.
Definitely stayed with the flow.
You stayed nice on the topic
and brought out what you wanted
to without breaking up your flow,
which is good. Made some good
points threw out this piece.
This would have been even better
if you were to even out the lines.
Neatness is a must. For a nebiew
Nicely done.


Peace.

[CNL]

very nice dude. your rhyme hit everytime and you def got some political convictions. it's always good to see folks who use their skill for an actual platform and not just a way to say "look at me, I'm tha greatest". however, you do need some work on making your rhythm even out. other than that, this was great.

[djb]

thanks for the feedback guys does anybody else want to say anything. i could really use some help. i want to get better.

[noncentz]

for a new cat this was a nice peace and makes me think u know strabnger to this muasic life nice all around and solid dop stay up

[djb]

thanks for the feedback guys uppin for more. drop your links and i will give back!

[ill-logical]

this was pretty good...some nice rhymes...not bad structure...try to get your rhymes flowin better...i wrote a peice similar, about the world as we know it....check it out son...tell me what u think
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=144316

[jimbean]

it was good, but you dont want good, you want brillaint,, gotta do research its like a home work project... its all mathmatics... medas gotta convay more with the message.. not just sayin somthins like... but actually using words that could have another meaning.... just an opinion... im not the greatest but you asked for my feed dont fall short... elevate....

[djb]

thanks for the honesty. everything you guys gives me helps me get better. wow when did ill logical get banned i just talked to him today? thanks guys keep the help comin

[Mistral]

Not too bad man, I liked this read...Was good overall i thought...Flow in this was nice man, stayed on through out the piece i thought, it just flowed good the way i read it you know?...Vocab was there didnt over do it, I hate when people do that, it just throws the piece of oh so much...structure was ok, for the way i was reading it, it was alright, probably could shorten some lines up and maybe even a few out but still good though man...Overall message was good i thought...good way to approach something like this.

[djb]

uppin

[Miss_Jess]

Really liked this one, you kinda said what i was thinkin n stuff, it feels like i couldve writtin something like this...the vocab was good, not too much big words (they would ruin the whole thing anyway) n you made your message pretty clear. For first drop this was real real nice, keep on droppin your stuff n tryin to get bigger n better,then everythin will be good...

[djb]

thanks miss jess and everybody else.

[Bruce Wayne]

i liked it..nice flow you stuck to subject i would want to hear it on a beat dunno what to say because everyone said what i wanted to say already..i would wanna read more posts from you keep writein..

[Lil Tra]

GOOD GOT DAMN JOB BRO, I LIKED IT, YOU STAYED ON TOPIC AND REALLY MADE ME THINK ABOUT SOME SHIT WHEN YOU SAID..."i decripted the hidden message,
and found we don't really elect the elected" GOOD ONE. tHE ONLY THING I SAW WRONG WAS THAT YA STRUCTURE FELL OFF LIKE TWICE BUT HEY, WHO GIVES A DAMN, GOOD PIECE