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Thread: beautiful day

  1. #1
    ninjaboy
    Guest

    beautiful day

    it started off, a beautiful day in the neighborhood
    birds singing, dealers all slinging the way they should
    you hear the alarm, and you roll outta bed
    grab ya phat farms and a rag for ya head
    scoop up the burner and a handful of lead
    but hope you don't need it, already too many dead
    now you step outside and the light hits your eyes
    so your shades cut the glare and provide a disguise
    and you offer a prayer, to the tropical skies
    cuz your fully aware, you may not get back inside
    wearin ya brim low you start to walk to the park
    gangsta stroll slow, head for the usual spot
    look for the rock, it's the usual drop
    but there's a hole in the plot, and unusual cop
    grab the brown bag, try to stuff it in your back-pack
    but here comes the officer, he wants to search the knap-sack
    but just then, as he opens up the crack bag
    off in the distance, you hear the sound of a gat crack
    and that's that, he has a slug in his spine
    cut down in his prime by ya homie from behind
    what was he thinking, when he pulled out his nine
    now you check his vital signs pray to got he's alive
    but it's not looking good, cuz you can't find his pulse
    and he's starting to bleed, from the side of his mouth
    now you're ready to leave, but your homeboy's no help
    already turned around, screamed "THUG LIFE" and peaced out
    so you're feelin abandoned, like nobody's got your back
    as ou sit with a dead pig, some crack and a gat
    they're on all sides now, it looks like your trapped
    then things go to hell, as you reach for your strap
    now there's no turning back, things are starting to go black
    and it's impossible to tell who even made the first attack
    if you could backtrack, and rewind ya life back
    when you woke up this morning, would you still bring the mac???


    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=165253
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=166382

  2. #2
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    This had good flow. You went into detail, and developed the story. It was pretty emotional, although I thought you could have closed it better. Line length was nice, could have edited some to straighten it out.
    Return the feedback
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168531

  3. #3
    Banned
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    You know im betting you used those links before since both those links are from pieces you posted in over 2 weeks ago.

  4. #4
    ninjaboy
    Guest
    yeah, but i'm pretty active at giving feedback, i just don't save all the links. i'll get more i guess, give me a sec

  5. #5
    ninjaboy
    Guest
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170207
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170201

    there, both recent. i have more but i forget to save the links. now can i get some feeds???

  6. #6
    ninjaboy
    Guest
    uppin

  7. #7
    ninjaboy
    Guest
    uppin... again

  8. #8
    Veteran Born To Kill's Avatar
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    Awards LLL Season Champion LLL HOF 200+ Wins
    Real nice shit, man...

    Normally I hate gangsta shit but you managed to lay down an ill flow and, at the same time, relate an entertaining story that wasn't about being hard...

    It was about wrong place/wrong time type of shit.

    The twist about your friend was cool, too...

    And how you portrayed your character by giving him character...staying with the shot cop, not running away like a "I don't give a fuck" wannabe hood.

    This was good, real good, real nice to see actual emotion and regret in one of these.

    And not just over one of ya "boyz"...over some shit that matters.

    Props!

    Peace

  9. #9
    REAL
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
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    Real nice look into an average day of a gangsta in the hood...........it shows that you had a sensitive side with a consience that felt bad for the cop that was shot.......gangsters have feelings too............good ending.......it makes you kinda wonder like when someone asks you the question "If you knew then what you know now"...............i like that it gets my mind going...............good description plus i liked how you interpreted the twists in this peice............i actually cant say anything bad about this peice.........maybe you should make the ending more dramatic.....you know like have shoot out with th police or try and drag the cop somewhere to get help....you know, extend it this is a great story.......but keep that same question as the closer.........

  10. #10
    ninjaboy
    Guest
    thanx for the feeds yo. and in the end the cops do come, and there's a shoot-out, but i guess i didn't make it real clear.

    they're on all sides now, it looks like your trapped
    then things go to hell, as you reach for your strap

    the cops surround him, and the fight or flight instinct kicks in, the kid figures he's gonna get blamed for killing the cop anyways so he starts shooting back. but that's my bad for not being descriptive enough

  11. #11
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
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    Ohio, off the coast of lake erie
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    15
    thanx for the feed, i like this one..it showed another side to something people think is only one sided if that makes sense or w/e -but i like the structure, it sounded good when i flowed it, i think you kinda gave up a little at the end, with what u were talking about it sorta went off somewhere else when i read it..but nice tho peace

  12. #12
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    Battle Record
    15-10
    ill piece, i loved the ending, tight opener, tight wordplay, nice vocab, beautiful imagery, good structure, i liked tha rhyme scheme too, all in all this piece was ill.keep droppin tha hotness.~1~


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  13. #13
    ninjaboy
    Guest
    thanx, nice feeds to all, uppin for more

  14. #14
    Banned
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
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    Battle Record
    3-3
    yo i liked ur piece a lot....i usually don't like this kind of stuff with all these ganstas and shit....but i thought it was really good....my favorite part was the ending, i didn't find to much wrong with ur strong verse......

  15. #15
    ninjaboy
    Guest
    up for two more, then i'll let it rest

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