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Thread: Sunburned...

  1. February 17th, 2005, 07:12 PM #1
    SimonSays
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    Sunburned...

    Here I rest, wide-awake in my bed, un-knowing of what I saw
    For real, it was in my opinion of an angel sent from God
    Just so striking, more than a ray of sunshine in my eyes
    The way it glimmered and reflected, true exquisiteness disguise

    …….

    I dreamt about it, philosophized, and conceived crafty tactics
    Because in the end, I knew I couldn’t live with out us mixed
    My mind cannot mend, a simple observation, obsessed
    Thoughts couldn’t spend, brain vacated, nothing mentally left
    Words I couldn’t comprehend, created, music without a cleft.

    ………

    Eyes indignant and burned just looking at her
    Her astounding radiance left me, a disease without a cure
    Fanatical thoughts grew inside, a smouldering desire I tried to hide
    Something only found deep in-hide, a heart my only guide

    ……..

    Primal instincts rampant, raging bull stuck in a ring of red
    Beats inside me, bombs over Baghdad, within me constricted
    Never mess with love, is a lesson learned, because the moment
    My eyes set on you, I was sunburned……

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  2. February 17th, 2005, 07:23 PM #2
    Zeal
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    Very well structured piece. I like the use of vocab and rhyme scheme. Good read overall it had great flow and rhythm and brought a seriosu tone to the issue. Good stuff.
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  3. February 17th, 2005, 07:27 PM #3
    Foreshadow
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    Given this was a nice piece it was very unique and I dont think that I have read something like this before so props... Although I thought that this was more poetic in a way its difficult to explain just listen to the words... But overall I thought this was a good piece very unique keep dropping...
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  4. February 17th, 2005, 07:49 PM #4
    SimonSays
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    Thanks for the feedback I appreciate it alot, keep it constructive though, I want to improve.

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  5. February 17th, 2005, 09:58 PM #5
    SimonSays
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    Word ^What he said.

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  6. February 17th, 2005, 10:07 PM #6
    coolestdust
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    Nice structure, but didn't see where you were going with this. A better meaning to the song would have made a better impression on me.

    4/10
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  7. February 17th, 2005, 10:20 PM #7
    SimonSays
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    ^alright thanks for your feedback on this. More please!

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  8. February 18th, 2005, 12:30 AM #8
    Brother Blue Collar
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    yea this has a poetic feel to it, maybe it's the way you structured ya verse i dunno, but yea it does, and be careful what you rhyme what might sound good outloud looks dumb as hell in text, also chilling on the vocab unless you might use those words in everyday speech cuz if you don't it gives ya peice a sterile feeling, overall decent kinda short tho
    I believe i'm making some good music, please just wait for me




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  9. February 18th, 2005, 01:18 AM #9
    WordPerfect
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    Yo that was deep and heartfelt. I like the last line that some clever stuff. Raging bull stuck in a ring of red was tight too. The rhymes are very good, but watch some like you rhymed tactics and mixed, i guess i could see how it could flow, but i'm sure you could come up with a better pair than that. I liked it 6/10.

    hit mine up if you could:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...09#post2085609
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  10. February 18th, 2005, 03:04 PM #10
    SimonSays
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    ok upping this for the feedback.

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  11. February 18th, 2005, 09:40 PM #11
    Awaken
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    hahaah bombs over baghdad, your fav song, eh?
    but yeah, dope shit man, if u want more critiqute, just im me. lol
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  12. February 19th, 2005, 02:49 PM #12
    SimonSays
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    ^you bastard, x2!

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  13. February 19th, 2005, 02:56 PM #13
    Na~Ledge
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    Nice piece. I'm all in to the emotional shit myself but you were real original with the way you presented it. Props.

    Favorite Line:

    Eyes indignant and burned just looking at her
    Her astounding radiance left me, a disease without a cure

    That was nice man
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  14. February 19th, 2005, 03:23 PM #14
    SimonSays
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    ^thanks for the feedback I appreciate it.

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  15. February 19th, 2005, 07:35 PM #15
    SimonSays
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    Upping this piece of crap. .... geeze Awaken I fucking hate you.

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