Dear Social Services Worker this is Kevin

[Na~Ledge]

Dear Mrs. Social Services worker, hello my names Kevin
I go to Dunbar Elementary on 110th and I'm eleven
Anyway I wrote this letter hopin u could help me figure out
Somewhere to go, because I no longer feel safe at my house
Cause there some things going on here that don't seem right
Like Daddy sneaking in my older sister's room every night
When he leaves she's always crying, says our parents don't luv her
Said she's thinkin bout movin out with with my crack head brother
And my mother............well daddy told me she's an alcoholic
Plus a theif cause she's always stealing money out his wallet
And it seems sometimes that my parents are always fightin
Last night my mom slapped my dad, said that she never liked him
And my bother wasn't his, she was tired of all his shit
So she was packin up our stuff and movin out with the kids
Then daddy's face got red, must have really hurt his feelings
Called mommy a bitch, said don't threaten me with my children
And he punched her in the ribs, and slapped her in the face
Said he paid the bills, if she don't like it get the fuck out his place
So I tried to break em up but daddy threw me to the side
I burnt my arm on the heater, my older sister started to cry
And my brother sat in a daze, Talkin bout this house is fucked up
Playin with some brown paper and some leafy sticky green stuff
So now mom's moved out.........and my sister started workin
Tryin to save money up to buy somethin called an abortion
And my daddy got laid off and said he could't support us
Now that mommy's out our life and choose to ignore us
So I'm writing you this letter hoping maybe yall could help
Find me and my sister a place with someone else............
I know you guys are busy so i'll just write my address at the bottom
And I'll take any suggestions if you got em.........Thanx Kevin

[Na~Ledge]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=172004
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171960

[SimonSays]

Good piece, it had good flow, try to make your pieces a little more complex by mixing up the rhyme scheme.

Since this was from an elementry point of view, and you didn't use large vocabulary, this was a good piece. It where it was supposed to and it can relate to a few people I know of.

Props, stay up and always leave feedback.

[Na~Ledge]

Yea I didn't want to get to advanced with the vocabulary because it was supposed to be coming from an eleven year old. Thankx for the feed back man.

[silent j]

yo that awsoem man liek good flow and just keep doin your thang

[Na~Ledge]

^appreciated

[Na~Ledge]

guess yall really wasn't feeling this one. Whatever. uppin

[Creepin Disciple]

good flow n good ryhmez dawg.......work on da vocab a lil bit, but dat waz dope.

[Na~Ledge]

thanx man....still lookin for some suggestions yall. Hit me up

[Seminole]

I aint gonna front, I liked this piece. You choose a good topic to write about and I wanted to read more of it. All flowed well. Good way to tell a story in a letter fam, I wanna see more like this.

-One

[Lady Redd]

That shit was off da chain!!!!!Keep it up

[Deviate]

I liked this... I would say that the vocab wasn't that good but seeing as this was from an 11 year old it was perfect. Nice imagery and description used. You caught the mind of a young boy well in a rhyme. I think this could've been a little better.. Maybe a little longer. It definately shows potential though!

If you could check out "Messiah Complex" in my sig I'd appreciate it.

Peace

[Na~Ledge]

thanx for the feedback yall

[CrazyCarl]

I liked the point of view for this, it made it an interesting piece. You were descriptive and had good flow. You seemed to capture the innocence of the child. The vocab was basic, but fit for the subject.

[Na~Ledge]

Thanx to everybody for the feedback it was really helpful.