Alone I Seek...

[Deviate]

Alone I Seek...

I sit amongst thousands reading to the souls of the lost,
Crouched leaning on a wall of emotion - My feet dig in the moss.
Droplets of rain slap their hands across my face - Once tame,
Tears amalgamate with the rain - Imbelishing my pain.
Uncontrollably my muscles fluxuate as I read on,
Grasping the book tightly I shake without relent on the lawn.
Twitching, my heels cut the earth - The wind moans,
Death is meaningless now - The end of the flesh on the bone.
The ink runs as I look up in hope of the sun,
Nothing goes my way... The sheer audacity of some.
WHY WOULD IT END THIS WAY? WHY COULDN'T IT CONTINUE?
You choose who you want and who you don't - We're not a menu.
I beseech to all of you who lay here - Free,
Use your influence and give life back to my family.

My legs shake erratically as I crouch - Back to the stone,
Stiff vertebrae support my heavy tears... I'm alone...
My arms reach out to hold him to me once more,
Yet they reach nothing - Just rip the earth.
I try to scream but I merely speak - Mental torment,
My thoughts are at war with eachother - Relent?
Doubt becomes the most common aspect of my day,
Questioning whether I could live through the whole stay.
Monochrome surroundings glimmer from the grey source,
Remorse sweeps across the street and through the doors.
Through my back it traveled - Breaking my heart,
Leaving me lying across the altar - My art.
The congregation was lost, confused,
Yet their pain was no where near as profuse.

I rip the earth through my anger - My piercing gaze,
Loving attacks crack the turf as my eyes glaze.
My mind was a maze of pain - It was insane,
Now as I kiss the coffin I have reached the day...

* * *

The caretaker limps quickly, panicking towards the spot,
Soil and grass is thrown everywhere around the lot.
He approaches carefully to see a man collapse,
His fall reveals the stone behind him - Mental Relapse.
He was... The father...

* * *

'R.I.P'
'To my darling son, You were the world to me, I will never forget you...'

"This is BBC news reporting from the site of a death at a cemetery in London. A boy was buried here last week and it seems his father was visiting his grave. The father was the only remaining member of the family and lost everything when his only son died... The man's body was found clutching an open bible crouching over his son's coffin. His body, apparently, fell down onto the coffin after he suffered from a strong heart attack. Strangely the coffin was found unearthed, yet no tools were found..."

* * *

Don't cry for me...
I'm finally free... Reunited with my family.
Amidst the pain I suffered - I found release,
For Alone I seek -

Peace

[Deviate]

Links -

One by Issue

Reflections by Credz

Peace

[Neruda II]

Everyone better pay attention when I say that this writer is the future of RB.

Damn man, for your short time writing, this is probably the most improvement I've ever seen. You're taking to writing incredibly. I loved the story, it was original, it was well thought out, strong, emotional, a great twist at the end. Everything about the story I liked. Your syntax was very fitting to this piece. I loved the words you used, I think some thing could have been written better, but 95% of it was worded perfectly. Emotionally, this is one of the strongest pieces I've read in a long time. I loved the end especially, goddamn, this really caught me off guard. I was going to read this like, blah, just something I have to do, but when I read up to the second line, I was like "This isn't just another run of the mill member here at RB." You have alot of natural talent, I think you have to perfect your craft though. You have some technical issues to work with, also rhymes seemed forced at times. Try to make your lines a bit more even, makes the syllable count better therefore making rhythm better. I think people neglect rhythm at times. Let's see...your imagery is just damn good. Remember to use smell and taste in your pieces. Many writers forget about smell and taste when writing and those are two of the strongest senses so using that aspect of imagery can give you an advantage over others. I'm not much of an OM head so I can't tell you a whole lot. I'll leave you with the advice a member gave me on my first poem, keep writing man, and you'll have a promising writing hobby that can pay off in the long run.

[K9_THESHIT]

ok...first i wanna say i liked the storyline a lot...you don't get it from the start,just on the last line on your first verse you can get a glimpse on what happened to him(the father)...and then as you read on you start getting an idea,but not exactly the right one,until at the end you actually understand what happened.i think it was a very good idea to put that "This is the BBC news...".it gave a little something extra to the whole story...
the imagery was done well,you took your time to describe his emotions,what he was doing etc.his feelings were painted very good,you could feel in someway his pain.it looks like you've really tried to get inside his head and think like him...the vocabulary was good and the rhymescheme and almost all the flow was on point.overall an ill piece man and a good read.Keep it up(and i know you will)!

Thanks for replying on mine man!

Peace man!

[Deviate]

Thanks for the feedback... I appreciate it...

Leave links... I will return feedback.

Peace

[Paragon]

wow. that was really good. it was very poetic - i'm surprised you didn't put this in that poetry corner. very, very good. i really felt that somber, poignant mood and the imagery was great. i liked that news cast at the end too. it goes well at the end. if you wanted to make a song this would definitely work.

[Incineratedrose]

yeah, i liked it.. sorry i didnt check it out earlier my MT brotha, but let me see...

i would have to say i am happy to have you as a member because i really liked how you put the lines together and i just loved the story-line, that looked like you really thought it out which is awesome.. sometimes people just try to throw together a bunch of words and expect it to work, but i can just tell you put a lot of thought into your work which is awesome. glad you did this, your skill glistens.

[Johnny 6-feet]

the topic- fantastic. the imagery and vocab- top notch, i was really impressed by this deviate, you seem to come consistently with original topics and good story-telling. i'd quite like to work with you someday on a piece. multi's might have helped this a little but the unfolding story with its twists and new reports kept me reading until the end. most definately above and beyond most of what i read in here.

cheers for reppin' ours as well man. Keep posting.

[TProphet]

My legs shake erratically as I crouch - Back to the stone,
Stiff vertebrae support my heavy tears... I'm alone...
My arms reach out to hold him to me once more,
Yet they reach nothing - Just rip the earth.
^^^ Imagery In This Blew Me Away

Tha Emotion In This Piece Helps Me Keeps Intrested Throughout As It Was Very Long...I Loved It ....Keep It Up

[Slowhands]

This was a great piece, i enjoyed all but mostly the ending as it was drawing me in. I also liked the realism part at the bottom as it added sadness to my wonder, great combo by the way. your vocabulary was good and some parts too good, i know it sounds weird but its just my opinion. I think if you keep on writing you will gain tremendous skill, i dont even feel like i need to tell you what parts to improve on as i think you will do it anyway. Good luck with your next piece, i'll keep an eye peeled, and good job on this.

[Deviate]

Thanks for the feedback everyone... I appreciate it.

Up...Leave links.

Peace

[Issue]

This was deeeeeeeeep, full of emotion and imagery, and the storytelling was way above par. I loved the entire topic, and each of your openers and closers in each part where fantastic, something I could really feel and your imagery helped me see what I was reading. You fell off in some parts, but the parts you were on it made me forget about the bits I didn't like, as they excelled here and your terms of expression were excellently produced. Each verse had its whole strong point, and I really liked the BBC news report, was something different for an Open Mic, or any text in general. Overall, I agree that you and K9 are the ones, aswell as me :-P, to look out for in the future of this site.

Great work

Issue - Tearstained Pages
Check out mine if you have the time,

[momo]

the writing is real intellegent i liked the way that the story comes out through the writing keep that up dog.

[Deviate]

Thanks for the feedback... Hoping maybe with this or my next piece I'll make Hall of Fame for the first time...

Thanks though... Leave links... Up

Peace

[..IllThoughtZ..]

Yo i liked this piece..the way you used imagery painted a very vivad picture in my head which made for an enjoyable read...cant really say anything bad except just to work on structure because pretty much everything else was in tact...nice descriptive imagery...OH i already said that lol...but na this is definitely a piece to be recognized by far...im looking forward to more drops from you....9/10