...Parallel...
Tim Corleone
CREW BATTLE: G.I.T.M VS DEVINE JUDGEMENTS
16-30 LINES
Topics-
Razor Requiem
Forgotten Fantasies
Pressured Situation
Now you must agree on a topic (both of you)
verse due on sunday or monday................have any excuses or problems with the topic please pm me.
Tim this is Ex you wanted to battle m ya got it crew battle ight. o and ima do Forgotten Fantasies
easy topic so ima do it yo
checkin in.
what ever Forgotten Fantasies is fine
lmao at not using your real username for this battle weak
im going 30 lines
lol nevermind your just banned on Exs name my bad
ill be posting by monday by the way and one more rule only SS heads can vote
um who the fuck is SS and no that aint a rule you jsut dont make rules up like that, im not agreeings. sry no who ever can vote on this. i aint got any d/r's and i dont trust you if SS or w/e is your d/r's so No.
word
^SS is Sacred Scriptures.
A Forgotten Fantasy
A young troubled teenager going through problems with her Life
She had to Hustle to get through myths, always preying to Christ
At 17, she’d had sex to much, people had noticed she got Aids
People chased her, wanting to kill her, eventually the fad Fades
She was pushed to the limits, she tried starting to kill Herself
The issue clogged up so much because she didn’t watch her Health
Eventually she tried jumping from the biggest bridge Downtown
Surprisingly a man came, he tried telling her she would Drown
But she knew what the consequences were but she didn’t Care
She never listened, she thought she’d be hidden from the Nightmare
After the conversation, she felt like jumping at that exact Moment
But a thought came up, she began to see why her acts were Meant
She had a 2nd thought of not jumping, she was very Observant
Any second she could jump, the man had to be ready like a Servant
After each minute past, she’d try to be steady but couldn’t so she Fell
As she fell she felt a rush through her veins, she thought it was Hell
The man bagged her not to jump he thought she’d wrought in Hell
With one quick snap he grabbed her as she fell felling like a Rebel
She was breathless, she had nothing to say, he had saved her Life
He powdered why she wouldn’t behave and never act brave for Christ
So the man left and never did she ever thank him for what he Did
She never apologized to god, she got rich and got the key to the Fib
The End...
I Miss You
Picture the place that the scriptures embrace
Made of Heavenly Beauty with a mixture of Grace
Where souls melt and divide for religions we've knelt beside
When we delt with pride, but couldn't describe how we felt inside
slowy.. hide the times passes with each wrist unfastened
show me.. your pride worlds fashion.. your hearts passion
one taste of her lips.. addiction is the problem stated
soul unlaced, the blood rips into an image of hatred
ink blots watch blind eyes cry for the sight of happiness
tears drop as time flies by into the night with out a kiss
the moon comes from beneath the horizion with silent dreams
consumed the sun in grief.. violet clouds with violent scenes
lay in a desert of flames.. quick sand swallows each nightmare
drowning in each wave of shame.. her bloody hand is the only one there
reach for a grasp.. her silhoutte fades into the stars above
walked down this path full of regret.. rearranged these scars of love
vision's of a family portrait.. wrong decisions chosen by greed
gashes from misfortune.. song's delivered into her dreams
find these worn feet still running into the black sky ahead
lines still forming into something that your eye's have never read
a collage of death interfere's with this struggling process
of exiting each breath.. the fears are troubling my life's success
burned bridges fall into the river of words.. pieces crumbled
each line screamed but never heard.. the deceased still stumble
see the pursuit of perfection take place before you
feel burning infection make change in your distracted views
organs decaying as i'm lost laying on this display for your thoughts
pictures ever changing.. never saying the same thing to you hearts
..feel the echo vibrate towards your conscience..
sit here and hear mirrors.. trying to let go my past's nonsense
Im not going to break this down becaus I dont like breaking down topicals, but i'll say what i liked and what i didnt like. Parallel, you had a pretty descriptive verse. And you told a story but the rhymes seemed to have no connection with the verse, like falling liek a rebel, it just seemed pretty random and as if you were using it just to rhyme and not to make the verse any better. It damaged your verse, made it weaker. It was good though, keep it up. Tim Corleone, your verse was pretty abstract, in a good way. It was also very descriptive, good imagry. Nice use of alliteration in places and the multies added to the piece. Good drop.
Vote - Tim Corleone
...The Ghostface Killllllaaaaaahhhhhhhh
Vote on this...
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=184194
Thank you.
Now...
Like cat up there said...
This doesn't need a huge breakdown...the outcome is very clear to me.
Tim easily wins, bringing a much better rhyme scheme, producing better flow, much better vocab (at times), better complexity as far as metaphors and wordplay go.
Shit like this was nice...
the moon comes from beneath the horizion with silent dreams
consumed the sun in grief.. violet clouds with violent scenes
Other cat...harden up your skills by reading OM Hall of Fame.
You told a decent story, but it's hard to get past your statement like approach and your only rhyming the last word of each sentence. You need internals, man...shit drags without em.
Tim wins.
Peace
Tim ima get a rematch soon. if you want tim go and just dq me and get the win i dont care cuz you clearly beat me we have a similair skill but you just that much better on somethings ill show you in a bit i learned a few new shit from imcine in are battle and also in this battle. but yea go ahead dq me you win i forfit
tim colerone, helluva piece man, i liked how you stepped away from the standard first person story telling....great flow, good multies/inners, interesting piece you read, you pack alot of emotion into you words and you choose your vocab nicely, imagery, i thought at times it could be better,you seemed to be jumping from thought to thought more, and that kinda took away from establishing a real good picture....but overall, really good piece, i was really feeling it, emotion = dope, keep up
parallel, way too basic, kinda dull to read cause you have no multies or anything, and your rhyme scheme is simple as hell, up your vocab and wordplay too....too plain.
if i could, vote would be T.C.
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