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Thread: Red Light District: Episode 1

  1. #1
    Colby Cain
    Guest

    Red Light District: Episode 1

    This story takes place in a abondonded district of a downtown area of a fictional city. The characters and events shown are completley fiction...but completley possible.


    Two cops are on a prostitution stake out, their names are irrelevent, what does matter is who they are to Trish, and what they become.



    The Wiz Kid

    A blisstering wind roams the airs night, calm, deep in the underbellys pit
    between two ill informed vice squads staking the delly at Haymont and fifth
    ashamed, distrought, and lit, slept three attics in their own rott and piss
    infront of an alleyway pass as they rolled and tossed with the winds wisp
    the sidewalks were enriched with the passing street walkers and slick pimps
    the hip twitchin hookers moving with such drift from car to car, trick to trick
    one in perticular was Trish, a girl desperate to pull her chips and worth in
    puttin her work in, advertising her body as she was movin and twurkin
    peeping onlookers puttin their words in, 20's up while watchin her skirt lift
    but the silence would be foundled, cause out from the undisterbed mist
    in minutes, out of a distant corner rolled a BMW pullin up to a curb swift
    an herb scent floatin out of the window, doors opened and what emerged is
    A paper pushin, black suit kid wit buizness wiz and a face that shown nervous
    but with nothin to lose but everything to gain that stirs on the surface
    and a hold grip on a hand full of money that he approached the hoes wit


    The Jakes

    Amist a dusted Honda enclosing cigerette smoke and the smell of day old donutes
    waited two patrol cops, one vigorous and uneasy the other impatient and coked up
    both watched as the BM rolled up, watched the young man lift a hooks clothes up
    watched him examine her figure from the toe up with demeaning lookes of no love
    the hope was that the perp would take action so they could get the book sewed up
    and sho'nuff, the rich lil bastard lifted his coat up and escorted a girl to the to the car
    got in then pressed foward with out pause and jeted toward Port Agore Bullavard
    "Thats our man Bob," said the driver smashin the gas in as he tore through the tar
    stopin short to implore the girls workin about the fresh new draws dat just moved along
    "That hoe snatched up a rich trick!" said the cops but none of the whores applaused
    "new pussy always sells, she wont be shit when shes been here this damn long"



    All the hookers shook heads and agreed, and their right, new pussy always gets first pick. Thats beside the point though, the officers cranked the car back up and returned to their pursuit of the hooker for what they thought would end in a rutiene bust.........atleast..thats what they thought..
    To Be Continued....
    Last edited by Mistral; June 24th, 2005 at 12:14 PM

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Colby Cain
    Guest
    yo Im uppin for some feedback on this piece.

  4. #4
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Houston, Texas
    Age
    39
    Posts
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    Battle Record
    15-10
    pretty ill.....had complexity....had tha vocab and rhyme scheme...it was layed out very nicely... i think this piece was real tight...but your bars were too stretched....but you still pulled off tha rhyme scheme.....it was very consistent....couldve had a better ending i think...but it really stayed on point...keep droppin tha hottness and elevatin.~1~


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  5. #5
    Colby Cain
    Guest
    thanks man, there wasnt an ending cause Im not done, part two is on its way and I promice you its goin to be str8 fire so yall look out for it. uppin for feedback

  6. #6
    Colby Cain
    Guest
    WAKE UP MUTHA FUCKERS! haha, dont sleep on me yall.

  7. #7
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Battle Record
    1-1
    Dis waz a nice piece I liked it.. it explained to me more like a story with mad rhymes and nice flow structure.. I could understand your flow and that's what I like.. keep 'em comin.. pce out....
    Tacticz
    .. Dat'z right I'm white ....

    ~ Lifted Minds ~


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  8. #8
    Colby Cain
    Guest
    thats love man, keep it comin yall dont fall asleep on me.

  9. #9
    Colby Cain
    Guest
    open your eyes and peep this shit. UPPIN!

  10. #10
    Colby Cain
    Guest
    Yo last uppin for tonight im clockin in, Look out for part two though its comin soon.
    I'll HOLLA..lol

  11. #11
    ......
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
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    England
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    Battle Record
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    sup dawg, i thought this piece was tight, it had complexity to it which i liked. your word play is pretty good too ... nice rhymes thrown in too .. was a bit stretched at times but wasnt too bad .. keep at it man , ill look out for part two

  12. #12
    Colby Cain
    Guest
    thanks for the feed man and dont worry its comin.
    UPPIN MUTHA FUCKERZ

  13. #13
    Colby Cain
    Guest
    Waky Waky eggs and Bakey, wake up and check me out ya heard!

  14. #14
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Lovin dat wordplay. Either that was a slow-like tempo, or your trying to be likw twista or something. It had a lot of syllables in each line you know? O always thought it was a bad way to rhyme using stuff like "an herb scent floatin out of the window, doors opened and what emerged is
    A paper pushin, black suit kid wit buizness wiz and a face that shown nervous"

    Like how the sentence continues through one line. You made it work though.

  15. #15
    Colby Cain
    Guest
    The tempo is slow, its more like a story told through rap, like acapelo. Not intended to be a song, just thought I'd bring a lil somethin new to the table and tell a story through rhyme. Thanks for the feed and Part 2 is on its way.

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