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Thread: Wealthy But Blind

  1. #1
    aemeth
    Guest

    Wealthy But Blind

    This is a verse I'm gonna use in my next audio, an emotional piece, I gotta make sure I come strong tho so lmk what yall think..

    They say someone starves to death every 4 seconds of the day/
    Yet we'll spend thousands on a watch, to watch those seconds tick away//
    Our focus is material and how we can exploit it../
    While at the same time make sure a guilty conscience is avoided/
    See the money is nice, but first come the facts/
    Fuck 50, I got Kweli listenin to my tracks//
    So you can have a faster car, but it's really no benefit/
    Cuz my mind, is already, light years ahead of it//
    So blee me when I say, that we need more Changes/
    Than a Tupac song, we need to rearrange this..//
    Whole mentality of reality, we need a new perspective/
    Teach kids they need more than a salary to be respected//
    Or more spiritual fatalities can be expected/
    A chronic illness we dismiss as allergies, see in essence..//
    It's the truth that we missin', nothin' to do with religions/
    Don't matter, if you Catholic, Buddhist or Christian//
    We were jus handed these blessins, N its coo' but jus listen../
    Its when you take 'em for granted, N start abusin' the priveledge//
    That's when selfishness sneaks up, with a brand new gat/
    N puts 21 from the 22, right in ya back//
    And you won't even feel it, 'cuz the pain is made numb/
    By oceans and lakes, that allow us to play dumb//
    But just since the 3rd world may not exist where we stay/
    That's no excuse for allow hundreds to die there every day//
    Just so we can drop 40 on another luxury car/
    How can we be so content with easy, when so many have it so hard?//


    I gave feed on the Aiyo. its Lay. diss by Trapt as well as Lay's answer to it..

  2. #2
    aemeth
    Guest
    Up..

  3. #3
    it was rather simple.. but some decent shit man. i wasn't really feeling any of this. but you're a new cat and got a while to go.. you'll get it. try working on your flow for one though, 1.

  4. #4
    aemeth
    Guest
    I aint new man, I just got tired of the rap board game..

    but thanks for the feed, up..

  5. #5
    . Illus''s Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
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    8-7
    Actually you mentioned some good points,
    I liked this piece...however stop this ish //<
    it makes your piece look ugly..stay writing
    you definitely have potential..Nice flow scheme
    as well and nice structure...Like the points you
    made which made me keep reading. Felt the emotion
    which is always a plus...

  6. #6
    aemeth
    Guest
    Thanks for the feed..

    Anyone else think I should stop //? i havent heard that before..

  7. #7
    +
    Join Date
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    2-1
    You need to post the links to the feedback you left, because I'm not going looking for it, fuck that. Two links or it gets closed.
    ...

  8. #8
    aemeth
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Jekyll
    You need to post the links to the feedback you left, because I'm not going looking for it, fuck that. Two links or it gets closed.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=211495
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=211406

  9. #9
    Life & Times
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    39-16
    This was decent, although would make better impact in audio coz I feel that for a text piece it could be worded differently to improve it. But I did imagine it as audio and it can come out well.

    Made some good points. My favourite part was the beginning:
    They say someone starves to death every 4 seconds of the day/
    Yet we'll spend thousands on a watch, to watch those seconds tick away//


    Thats a good point but its evidence that for text you need to word things slightly differently. Can you return the favour using the link in my sig. Thanks
    LM
    The Life
    & Times
    ...The Rhymes

  10. #10
    aemeth
    Guest
    Thanks, feed left for u..

  11. #11
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    15-10
    i also think you should stop tha /// shit....i used to use it as well....i find my structure works for me just fine....but you can find your own....this piece was ill...your wordplay and rhyme scheme wasnt complex...but it was ill...this piece had emotion....i liked tha direction you were goin with this...all in all not a bad piece at all..pretty ill.keep droppin tha hottness.~1~


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  12. #12
    You've Earned a Custom Title! C.E.S's Avatar
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    that was dope i like that kwali shit u stayed on topic and flowed the whole thing over all i think you got skillz i was feelin the topic as well the shit you say is pretty tru u betta be carefull some 1s gonna steal diss song lol

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  13. #13
    aemeth
    Guest
    LoL, maybe the lyrics, I still got a little work to do on my production :-/...

    Anyone else? Leave a link or title and ill return the favor

  14. #14
    Banned Vylint's Avatar
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    If you wrote it to a beat i could catch that but if u wrote this without a beat it's rather simple and the flow is bland with a fucked up style. It's decent stuff, dont get me wrong, but try a little harder.

  15. #15
    aemeth
    Guest
    word..

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