Dead

[JAY DOT.]

here's the life of an adolescent whose needs were neglected, so he chose to be left/
alone in his own development, tears were the supplement, and his pain was to be test/
motherless he had no shoulder to cry on, father ran away no figure to rely on, uncle molested/
the boy till he was the age of nine and ran living as an orphan, why the fuck didn’t mommy have an abortion?/
the cold hearted soul he molded himself into, had to steal to feed the hunger of an empty stomach/
wasn’t the way he chose to live, but the hand had been dealt, but believe this isn’t what he wanted/
he grew on the streets, in abando's, grew up mixed with drugs, pimps, and hoe's, but he never fronted/
he knew what he was and had become, and at the age of 13 he said fuck it and went for the sum/
but the sum wasn’t money, it was a "point" and as he lay there sick, he waited for the end to come/
but one wasn’t enough and he chased it for another couple of months, relied on a couple of cunts/
no money for cigs but he could pick up some butts, and when he looked at his arms there were a couple of cuts/
but the tracks didn’t matter, he needed to live faster, and he knew just exactly what he was after/
the pain came and once stopped his bladder, couldn’t shit for days, and in his head was clatter/
he tried detox and rehabs, but nothing was working, monkey on his back that just wasn’t jerking/
at the age of 16, he was a blown out junky, sick of being sick, and tired of his body always hurting/
it was the end and he knew it was done, pulled out the gun, and there goes another son/

Feedback:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=213552
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=213557

[MetaL FlaMEsSsS]

some lines didnt rhyme and i thought personally it was a waste of rhymes 4real.. overall.. some more vocab and better wordplay would be a lot better... overall 6.7 RaTinG

[<(UnDiSpUtEd)>]

i think that u had a good concept, u missed alot of ideas i would have touched tho....

....imagery was shitty but hey maybe its 1 of ur first times, imagery takes a while
you used ok words to describe scenes though overall i would say a 5.5/10

THINGS THAT COULDBE BEEN BETTER:
sometimes with the type of subject u did comparisons work for imagery, and that is my advice for u

[distinct]

your structure was confusing in the begining it was almost hard to read if you can understand that thought sojme lines were alright but some need some more vocab or multis or something but overall it was alright rating 6/10

Distinct - Peace

[flavin]

ight undisputed pretty much said every thing i was thinking so read his post and thats exactly what i though. no point in repeating it.


Don't do this again.
- Dash

[JAY DOT.]

thanks for the replies...

[sILLable]

you should improve your imagery....your vocab too...think of it as an improvisation on words...switch up what your say..shorten your structure..and try and find a solid rhyme scheme.....keep elevatin and droppin.~1`

[JAY DOT.]

thanks.