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Thread: The boy with no eyes

  1. September 19th, 2005, 07:13 AM #1
    Trema
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    The boy with no eyes

    Ayt true story, about lil boy who blind but see's the things we cant it kinda mad...

    A young boy sits, his mind drifts while he feels what nobody else has felt
    -only thing visible is some wat dispicible but unmissable,wit every step
    evry breath is a message what is left,as he writes he also states he regrets
    -is it his fault?,to impress those who can see a picture,but not the rest
    his mind an encylopedia of knowledge,no vision just wisdom
    -stronger than any law book or diary an far trusted dan any religion
    every step he takes is made visible,thoughts of mind become invicible
    -every move he makes is carefully watched,but he is already the principal
    one wish is what he wanted,not to see but to be free
    -break away from this carnage,like a new born baby tryin to breathe
    the sudden pressure,to an certain measure is pleasure
    -but remember the beginner now also he remains the top contender
    all for a boy who was in the corner,like a baby with no bruda or sister
    -father and mother distant from the childhood times he remembers
    voices the only thing that made him thought his strife was worth breaking
    -the pain and suffering he went through,his life wasn't worth taking

    rest in piece donavan trae a.k.a mc prue.

    www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=233406
    www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=233703
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  2. September 19th, 2005, 09:05 AM #2
    o'nest
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    this is a result of a writer that really put an effort in spending some time with his mind, soul and his thoughts before he writes....coz this is some touching stuff,i mean the pain was excellently put onto the paper...
    you wrote what u feel and it came out with mo soul to it
    and that is what made it so good...
    while i was reading it i could actually feel my body and soul spiritualy binding to this piece...but these lines "his mind an encylopedia of knowledge,no vision just wisdom"
    "voices the only thing that made him thought his strife was worth breaking"
    -"the pain and suffering he went through,his life wasn't worth taking"
    left my soul knocking on the heaven's door...you are really devoted...may the soul of your friend rest in peace...looking forward to another piece from you...peace!!!
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  3. September 19th, 2005, 10:37 AM #3
    Ether Spitter
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    from the sound of somma tha mispelt words you seemed like a cat that has done some elevation so I can kinda see through somma tha confusion in ya piece...i still felt that this had some depth and meaning...seeing through the blind, so it was pretty thought out....somma the piece lost floetry but the concept held it together....you lost me at places because what you were saying didnt come thru too clear so i was reading 'bind;...overall I thought this was pretty coo

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  4. September 19th, 2005, 10:45 AM #4
    Paradox1080p
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ether Spitter
    from the sound of somma tha mispelt words you seemed like a cat that has done some elevation so I can kinda see through somma tha confusion in ya piece...i still felt that this had some depth and meaning...seeing through the blind, so it was pretty thought out....somma the piece lost floetry but the concept held it together....you lost me at places because what you were saying didnt come thru too clear so i was reading 'bind;...overall I thought this was pretty coo

    Igido
    word..what he said..

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  5. September 19th, 2005, 12:23 PM #5
    Johnny 6-feet
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    A decent piece trema, I liked the subject although i feel it could've been expanded on. You chose strong words to rhyme with and came with decent vocab on the whole. Your use of imagery could've been more detailed. Try implementing more multi's, i know you can do it man!

    Keep posting, keep elavating.

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  6. September 19th, 2005, 01:46 PM #6
    ~ladie_streetz~
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    aww..... this was very nice...
    every bit of it i could imagine and you had good vocab use as well.. the structure and flo was nice.... yo title was hot, very attractin title, cathes readers attentions to read your piece.... all in all everything was good
    10/10
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  7. September 20th, 2005, 04:11 AM #7
    Trema
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    Thanks for the feed

    Thanks homs all of you for the feed, your feed helps me write better pieces. Uppin
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  8. September 20th, 2005, 05:01 AM #8
    Woganeen
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    this was deep...im not very good with feeback but all i can say is that i liked it. good flow 2 me... i just liked it. damn..kinda dunno wot 2 say

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  9. September 20th, 2005, 08:02 AM #9
    Trema
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    ...

    bump...
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  10. September 20th, 2005, 08:30 AM #10
    Legacy01
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    had an aiight flow and the imagery was nice.... the structure was good but like some, u lost me in a few places... i loved a few lines in here, original and the multis were used in the right amounts, no overdoing it...but i would have liked to read more from you, nice drop *thumbs up*
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  11. September 21st, 2005, 04:09 AM #11
    Trema
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    ...

    uppin this piece,
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  12. September 21st, 2005, 04:49 AM #12
    Edicius
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    poetic story telling, nice immagery here though my thoughts, you could expand this more.. it could use a longer twist to it.. noone the less this was nice to read, with a simple flow good work, keep it up

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