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Thread: Afresh [Writers: PEEP!!]

  1. #1
    ..in chains? Naw!
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    Afresh [Writers: PEEP!!]

    Afresh

    The sky is calm, while the fruitless trees extend their arms.
    Trying to pick up the fallen acorns that have drifted afar,
    past the horses barn- my child plays with careless thoughts.
    Ignoring the memory of 80 days of loss & distraught.
    Our new life consists of forgetting the old consistency,
    as our vivid past lies beneath the sea. Distinctly
    tucked between a forgotten coral, and a poisoness pearl.
    I pray for my little girl, it stays there, and untill ..
    she grasps the will herself, the nightmares will continue.
    To pull through would only please me, & provide a clue
    . .to longer lasting recovery.

    The memories we try to forget...

    ..have impeeded us long enough.
    My family dragged through the tedious rough-
    terrain. Of anguish & pain, & still it isn't enough.
    .
    Why?
    I was inducted into a jury for the murder of a woman,
    who was raped, battered and killed- then cremated in the oven.
    A clear case, in any place, would be a crime of passion.
    & I guess if she never strayed, it wouldn't have ever happened!
    But that wasn't my place to say, & we convicted
    Dwayne Grayson to life in prison, just as predicted.
    His eyes burnt into mine as the verdict was read aloud,
    with his family just as intent, among a violent crowd.
    Jutice had been served with the clench of the Law's fist,
    somehow in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn't finished.
    Just three days. . .
    after the trial, a vile & vengefull threat was sent
    to my close/distant family- & many to my friends.
    They said it all depended, whether my family was worth. .
    enough to THEM, to live. & outside, layered in the dirt
    was the remains of our family dog. Beheaded-
    aside the tulips where the roses were embeded.
    So after recent events, we endured police custody,
    immunised from threat.Damn sure, if this was upto me-
    we would have moved sooner than facilities instructed.
    And on the night of removal. .
    . .my son and wife had been abducted.
    A month later. .
    we still hadn't heard no hind, nor hair.
    To my suprise in the porch, a video tape was lay there.
    While my daughter was at her grandma's, I put the tape..
    in. To be confronted for starters- my wife being raped.
    This wasn't a hostage video, nor a money making scheme,
    Or a nightmare transfixed into a dream.
    As for what was seen,detectives call it,
    "Beyond the run of the mill".
    I watched for 2 hours as my wife and son were killed.
    I won't divulge the details, as the past is the past.
    The whole juries family's were affected,
    and I guess mine was the last.
    Even after imprisonment, an evil spirit had influence,
    upon vulnerable-minded people, that didn't know the difference.
    Between rights & no rights to life, seems simple to me.
    Now the Start Over has commenced,
    with the last member of my family.


    Nahlidge-Give me a break
    Nique-A brave task
    ArtificialIntelligence
    Sacred Scriptures Champ: 2006.....Brixton

  2. #2
    ..in chains? Naw!
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    ;;;
    Last edited by B.I.Detained.; October 3rd, 2005 at 03:48 PM
    ArtificialIntelligence
    Sacred Scriptures Champ: 2006.....Brixton

  3. #3
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    mcbadboy jus doesnt kno wat hes talkin bout. u had some good structure and your lyrics were good. although sometimes i couldnt understand wat u were saying it was pretty good. dont listen to guys like mc, they jus try to get peeps down.i give u a 7.80/10.0

  4. #4
    ..in chains? Naw!
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    More Feedback.
    ArtificialIntelligence
    Sacred Scriptures Champ: 2006.....Brixton

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Amphion's Avatar
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    eventho i thought u had too much concepts put into this story... u made it work, and this piece was great. the transition from present to past was a pretty nice addition to this piece. vivid imagery, storyline is so dope. keep it up.
    phenomenal hip-hop.

    open mic:
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    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    nice formating, and dope vocab.. excelent imagery.. lots ofdope rhymes and lots of poetry involved in this piece...interesting that u still put internal rhymes within such short lines


    the story rolls very well...

    im not sure if i got the proper gist of the last two lines?.. or is that simply relating to you?.. oh eah i think i see.. Afresh

    pretty deep stuff with lots going on for entertainment

    ill drop yo

    stay up

    if you get time check out this drop for me plz
    Life through the Vortex-
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=237186

    1
    .................................................. ......................

  7. #7
    The True Psycho of RB
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    I thought this was a good piece, the concept was nothing new but you still managed to tell a good story you kept me reading unlike a lot of the shit thats on OM, im leaving the site Fri and im glad cause 90% of the shit on this site is wack. Your flow was very basic you didnt have any multies or internals in the piece so it lacked complexity flow wise. BUT your vocab was used well so your imagery was very descriptive you grabbed my attention straight away which youve got to do with a story rap. There was some nice emotions mixed in but i think this would make a better song if you went back over it and worked on the flow. Good piece but work on the flow.

    Return the feed on my last Om:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=236625

  8. #8
    ..in chains? Naw!
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    Quote Originally Posted by warchild
    I thought this was a good piece, the concept was nothing new but you still managed to tell a good story you kept me reading unlike a lot of the shit thats on OM, im leaving the site Fri and im glad cause 90% of the shit on this site is wack. Your flow was very basic you didnt have any multies or internals in the piece so it lacked complexity flow wise. BUT your vocab was used well so your imagery was very descriptive you grabbed my attention straight away which youve got to do with a story rap. There was some nice emotions mixed in but i think this would make a better song if you went back over it and worked on the flow. Good piece but work on the flow.

    Return the feed on my last Om:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=236625

    Multi's, internals?
    Are you right in the head?1
    Thanks anyways.
    ArtificialIntelligence
    Sacred Scriptures Champ: 2006.....Brixton

  9. #9
    ..in chains? Naw!
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    Back up please!!
    ArtificialIntelligence
    Sacred Scriptures Champ: 2006.....Brixton

  10. #10
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Pharoah.'s Avatar
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    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=238447

    PLZ peep that its getting slept on a sfuck


    story was nice... topic was a lil played but still ok, flow was nice, mulites were ok and
    structure was sik flow was a lil off at some points.... it would make a good audio but needs some flow smoothening out
    emotion was good as well
    Open Mics


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    Poetry

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    Last Word
    Twizteds Bodyguards


    Quotes HOF


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    Originally Posted by Vamp.
    this is perhaps the gayest thread...ALIVE....

  11. #11
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    oOOoOOo you left feed on my brave task..well, no wonder, because I stopped checking that thread immediately after...but anyway, i liked this piece...mechanics were cool..very polished, unlike a lot of things ive read here lately..nice story..the imagery allowed me to visualize how this story played out..the man being convicted, the dog being guillotined...you receiving the tape..of your wife being raped and all..that was sickkkk...

    The sky is calm, while the fruitless trees extend their arms.
    Trying to pick up the fallen acorns that have drifted afar,
    past the horses barn- my child plays with careless thoughts.
    Ignoring the memory of 80 days of loss & distraught.
    Our new life consists of forgetting the old consistency,
    as our vivid past lies beneath the sea. Distinctly
    tucked between a forgotten coral, and a poisoness pearl.
    I pray for my little girl, it stays there, and untill ..
    she grasps the will herself, the nightmares will continue.
    To pull through would only please me, & provide a clue
    . .to longer lasting recovery.

    The memories we try to forget...

    ^It opened with so nonchalant and stuff..lol..then the story made a smooth ass transition..i liked it..

    you had a lot of smooth transitions..but this line stood out to me

    This wasn't a hostage video, nor a money making scheme,
    Or a nightmare transfixed into a dream.

    ^Because it was well-written..I don't know..it was imaginative and you said what you had to say in a condensed form..'a nightmare transfixed into a dream'-sick..

    I usually despise storylines, i think they're very cliche, which is why i don't do them anymore, but this was well-written..and an enjoyable read...good shit brix

    Keep writing

    -Nique
    AI. Legendary.
    19x HOF. Seven Titles. 50.

  12. #12
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    the peice was good it had a good structure and a good flow goin

  13. #13
    ..in chains? Naw!
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    Twas that good?!
    ArtificialIntelligence
    Sacred Scriptures Champ: 2006.....Brixton

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