town of O

[Tosh]

now pimps and hoes they all my bros
thugs with dough, just to show
got my back when its time to go
we're five bad boyz from the town of O

can't make beats so I'm not a DJ
so I bust some rhymes with my homie DK
smokes more dope then the popes got hope
fokes watch out he'll c-walk a tight rope
hes always been there when I needed to cope

I got a buddy name Joe hes a ho
goes to show hes the man every chick has to blow
his mind may be slow but hes there to the end
a friend not to outgrow an never transcend
with him till the end when the man says amen

now when its time to ball there's one man I call
JJ Jones hes my homes hes got game like nobody knows
when its time to fight the call to him is right
he keeps his regal so clean it should be illegal
fucked every bitch from Cali to the 360


but this ant the end of my list of bros
I got one who's always at the punk rock show
now guys don't be mad cause your girls been had
Caleb dun hit that in the Eco-lab
his name is Caleb that's c to the lab
ant goin to rehab for that cheeba he toke
puff that hookah room full smoke you know he wont choke
Cadob Sclin his name came straight from the jedi clan
a straight company man, a ladies man
his mom fucked the bank of japan
a star wars fan tells me solos the man
but I'm down with lando cal-rissian
that's no tan hes the only black man
got Vader but that's just a voice
James Earl Jones was a good choice
for the dark knight of the force

now pimps and hoes they all my bros
thugs with dough
they got my back when its time to go
cause we're five bad men from the town of O

----------------------------------------
I'm new so give it to me good or bad or super bad
its the first thing i've ever written thats longer then 10 or 12 lines so let me know if theres stuff I can improve in that area of tottal structure

[Word.Play]

Alright here's the breakdown... your verse was very simple and the rhymes were very simple aswell... try and use more complex rhymes to make your piece interesting, using complex rhymes and bigger vocabulary helps describe your piece better and gives it a deeper effect. the structure wasn't working either, all your bars need 2 b the same length but they need to be lengthened aswell.. try and fit more information in one line... also you did not establish a topic at all... it was just about random shit and didnt make ne sense in some parts... focus yourself on one specific topic and explain it vividly... keep tryin 2 rhyme more than once in a line like you were doing there but like i previously said make the rhymes complex...

work on those things and ur set to go...

sorry man but rhymin dough joe and yo just dont cut it round here...

return tha favor and drop feed on the last link in my sig

[Johnny 6-feet]

You need 2 links to 2 Open Mic pieces you've left decent feedback on and the piece needs to be a decent standard. Go to the elavation centre on this board and get some advice.

Closed.