'Beneath The Hourglass'

[Atti]

Another day under works thumb, a slave.
Same shit just another way I complain.
Jump up to take a letter up stairs, "Damn Elevator,"
guess I'm taking the stairs. Each step a labor
as I trudge up past the first floor... Up at
the twenty first at last, Im there. Huff past
the desk executives where not a worry bares.
They care less of my presance, 'I'm Sure He' stares
filter the air. Ya thats what they're thinking, it's know.
The mail cart holds more status then those making it go.

*Starting Back Down Stairs*

Someone smiles at me... Please, what a fake.
A smile backed by the meaning, 'Just Take
These, Bring This' that and the other, blah blah blah.
Mother fucker! My lips nearly bleed seazing a song of a-

*EXPLOSIONS RING OUT!!!

The wall to my left I find no longer all set.
Sounds of rubble's fall rips all of our chests.
As a heart race breaks that wich cages,
I drop, start to crawl through all the brick sages.
Look for the business man... Where!?! THERE IS HIS HAND!!!
His Briddle Reminance Settled Below A Bolders Stiff Stance.

*In Awe, Before Rushing To Escape The Crumbling Building*

Black burns scar the walls, wires transpire to capture.
As this rush swims a river rapid as my eyes meet the rafter.
Forsee it's collapse soon to fallow, asume possition,
grasp my head as an end seems more than a fiction.

*Knocked Out/Wakes Up 2 Hours Later*

Was its a dre-, "AAAAAAH!" from within a scream
rips its way from the bowels of self out into the breaze.
Cant move my leg. Then I notice im wedged between rooms.
Whole sides of an oposite bowed in to kiss each's whomb,
only to birth a crippled youth who sits in the towers of ash.
Living under the bricks, as inocence drips from under the hourglass.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'Nicholas Delaney 1982-2001'
9/11 Did All But Save Him.

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Links:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...101post3286101

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...119post3286119

[Atti]

Upping Already...

[Antonio Banderas]

This story piece was well put together. You had the flow, structure, and even included nice subtitles that followed the story of a slave. This was highly original. However, it was basic in many places. Better vocab would have been ideal for this piece. This was a mediocre drop.

[SkullBreaker]

yo i like it just try to work on ur complexity aight but this was a 8/10 good joint aight man keep it up aight that was hard body, im lookin forward to more of ur drops aight

[Atti]

Ya, Kid There Was No Slave In This Story.

... It's About A Mail Boy In The Word Trade Center During The Events On 9/11.

*Shakes Head*

[master theisis]

7.5/10

good structure n i liked the originality the most but some of the vocab was sloppy in a couple places

[Nique.]

The story could've been better, but then again this is one of the best OM's I've read in this section in a good while..some rhyming was forced and others flowed smooth..mechanics were alright and you portrayed some parts very well, and others not so well, overall this piece was pretty good..just needs some tweaking, but i liked it..good shit

-Nique

[J-Hova]

yo this was good had a good flow and a good stucture need to elevat on ur vocabs but it was still good

[Atti]

Thanks Everyone.

[SkullBreaker]

yeah son that shit was hard keep it up aight man

[Atti]

Thanks.

I'm Posting A Newer Piece Soon.

[Maven.]

your first verse was really cool because the rhyming words were mainly in the middle of sentences...which meant there was weird emphasis in saying the sentence...and it just sounds good when you rap it over Buck 65. Not that I was doing that. =/

Cool concept for a piece, though.