She Wouldn't stop screaming.

[nolonger]

She Wouldn't stop screaming.


The tables topped with graffiti, neatly stacked in horizontal columns
Chalk powder dropped to the floor,
Scratching the board adding to my problems
The chairs warped, due to miss taught youth’s with lack of respect
Engraves of passion but my name wasn’t fashioned positive on desks
The floor a mess, from end to end a canvas of paper and dust
Window frames adopted by rust, gusts of wind as they wouldn’t shut
But as I sit wondering my vision goes blundering with hatred
I focus on the devil, a kid called Nevil,
Whose bullied me since me and his girl dated
He’s stated that their together forever, and I’m a psycho with a crush
But Claire’s mine, I even have a shrine to symbolize our love
An angel from above, like a dove flew and drew my attraction
She tells Nevil to stop dropping punches, increasing our love fraction
One day ill take action, they keep persisting and kissing I can’t resist
For each kiss at school I go home and take another gash at my wrist
I do it till I can’t feel my fist, and will continue until my last day
I’ll die for her, dropping the blood over the shrine incase I pass away
My eyes start to stray, i turn tense but this time my body doesn’t suspense
Shut down my defense, School ball’s tomorrow, were my plan will commence
.
.
.
My image is bold, ugly as I stand cold alone in the corner
People point and laugh, but my frown turned upside down when I sore her
I steady my nerves, talk to my self and get ready for work
I’ve been fully bullied for ten years so how could this hurt?
I try to stay alert, I follow my queen till she leaves her boy and
Swallow my poison and walk after her into the toilet
Finally were alone together, threw all this weather I reach and grab Claire
Pulling her close, as she struggles I muzzle my nose smelling her hair
I no it’s unfair but I can’t die without her, I shout “Claire its ok keep calm”
Smacking her head against the tap,
Cracking her skull till she’s shed as much blood as I have for her, threw my arm
She wouldn’t stop screaming, teasing me to finish her breathing
As she stopped the job was half done as I pulled out my penis
Now Claire had never seen this, but I no she couldn’t go without
And before my poison kicked in, I wanted to touch her inside and out
And show that Nevil kid, for ten years he’d bullied me over this debate
My soul mate, now look Nevil on prom night who’s fucking their date
I fill with hate and love, as my head slowly hits the floor
I breathe a last breath to see an outline of Nevil at the door.
.
.
.
.

[nolonger]

.......

[BR0]

Dope K


real dope


all i can say as usual.

[Ike Ill.]

s'okay. You coulda been more poetic. I can see what made you create this, anger. Most likely, wether itwas real anger at the moment or built up. So, writing everything that annoyed you. Pretty good, you got a dark side, just keep working at expressing it or you'll get caught when you kill someone one day. lol. As far as I know, you most likely ran this through microsoft word or some shit since you spelled everything right - unlike usual. Sorry if I have offended you, I had no means to. Just honest feedback.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248675

^ kindly, leave feed on that.

[EyeBite]

This i got to say is very dope....there is a lot of creativity in this....I could imagine what was gopin cuz of good vocab...rhymes were good..nice and complex...flow was smooth and strcuutre was good......topic was creatvie and interesting and i liked the ending..overall this was a good peice..dope...keep it up..peace

[Jonezy]

Real Nice man..creativity is class..some dope lines and
plenty of quotables.. loving the imagination you brought
write more audio tracks ..

Dope lad

[Baron Mynd]

less spelling/grammatical errors than usual

but something about this piece struck me as disjointed.. i can't quite place it


maybe you set the scene in too much depth/ with a different style &then proceeded to tell the bulk of it in a different way &in some what of a brief manner

i feel like you could have added another chunk to the middle basically



but don't get me wrong, this was still an interesting read &worth the time

keep writing.

[nolonger]

thanks

Bounce!

[E.z. eddie]

nice dog nice flow and every thing else

can see by ur record theres nothin more i need 2 say

[UnknownAgenda]

I liked the concept of this keep it up.

[sILLable]

i thought it was quite poetic,very ill,very dope,as usual.....dope vocabulary....dope rrhyme scheme...dope story line,dope delievery...all in all just a very dope piece...nothing else i can really say cause i cant say that anything should be fixed..very dope drop..keep droppin tha hotness.~1~

[Drunken Waffle]

Weird. I left feed here and it's on my subscriptions list, but my post isn't here.

Anyway, it was an interesting topic, though I've seen almost every suicide/revenge story there is. Nothing really about fucking a girl on prom night and killing yourself by drinking poison though, so props there. Not your dopest of what I've read in my opinion, but it's okay. It's kind of like how I write, and how I write is dope, so props on that. It's nothing that wows me that much, but you portrayed the content well and had a decent flow the whole way through. The content and vocabulary were good.

Come on, and you can post up OMs but not accept my topical offer?

RTF on Conscioussness, It's Bothersome please.

[.Vamp]

I found this peice to be Very in depth...deaply poetic....Vocabulary was on point...decent story line and delivery was like FedEx ....always on time...I cant think of neways to describe this but ...dope...Keep writing ..havnt seen much work from you..cant wait to see more

Chk my Om Forbidden thoughts....
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=249559