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Thread: A Perfect World feat. Percept

  1. #1
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    A Perfect World feat. Percept

    A Perfect World
    1st Verse - Nostradomus
    2nd Verse - Percept

    This is not a perfect world if our children inhale debris
    and it's not a perfect world if our hearts freeze without a beat
    This is not a perfect world if other countries hate us for being free,
    its not a perfect world if visions of the future is impossible to see...
    Now here we are amid the tears and the laughter,
    Still patiently waiting for our happily ever after
    A world where you could have everthing your heart desires,
    But the perfect love committed will set the world on fire
    These hearts were woven of human joys, poise, and cares,
    The years had inclined them with weaknesses, though dawn was theirs
    Washed marvellously with sorrow, rapid clasp, swift to mirth,
    And sunset, shattered by death and the colours of the earth
    These had seen movement, told to be true and heard music, known
    Felt the quick stir of wonder, the beginning; heaven sat alone
    Slumber and waking; loved; left with despair gone proudly friended,
    Beautiful flowers and grass and love, all this has ended
    There are waters blown by dynamic winds, God known as a crafter,
    Grasses lit by the rich skies, aesthetic winds caused laughter
    Frost, with a gesture, guides the smooth waves that dance,
    Unbroken glory, glistening stars gave a gathered radiance
    And wandering loveliness, non-appearance, he leaves a white,
    A width, a shining peace, under the night..
    Scattered souls across the globe, are rotting existence,
    though the stench of the deceased, hygene has became resistant
    Listen to the derelicts, the broken politic speeches,
    read between the lines, you'll see where decievement has became to meet this
    We bow and fold our hands, though tainted republicans see this,
    only one out of 3 soldiers die with no funeral, a sign of bleakness!
    Families become dysfunctional, dismantled, and entangled,
    held by a string burning and screams deafening, over a volcano
    Sacrificed by fire, a bullet pierces not only his chest,
    punctures the heart of his family, just that cant effect the rest
    We're ruined, household silent, sitting at a table quiet,
    while the President is hiding under his desk, secreting himself from a riot
    He's a concealed leader, voters around the world, tear down his throne,
    We could reign hell on these mortals, until law is overthrown
    And as we sleep in serenity, with thoughts of fulfilled dreams,
    Bush smiles with misery......the crescent moon gleams.
    .
    .
    .
    imagine waking up to a life of utopian bliss
    having someone there to catch you at the you moment you slip
    no loathing events and never would you hope or attempt
    to cope with the tension cause it wouldn't be shown to prevent
    control would be dense, with it, the only weight on your shoulders
    the wait would be over, the alcoholics brain would be sober
    a high self esteem and a smile would grab the face of a loner
    until the nomad is so glad it's his last day as a rover
    no oasis to chauffer, crime would be completely forgotten
    with old age, opague, and the only reason for coffins
    poverty would be blocked and, every society would be mocking
    the other society cause propriety would be often
    the mind would be lost in a world that wouldn't need heaven or hell
    where the westside story would only take a second to tell
    happy endings would be repetitive no yelling for help
    nor would i worry of poverty or try embellishing wealth
    cause everything felt would be great and the hate would erase
    safety would stay stoned in its stature and remain in one shape
    and everything you ever wanted would take place at a rate
    that eventually are history would be replaced with our fate
    i'll explain in a way that you understand it really isn't funny
    cause our society is eclipsed you see the city isn't sunny
    it's pitiful and crummy people turn anything to money
    all expalined at your local bookstore in Relativity for Dummies
    forgive me if it's something to hard for you to accept
    the only thing we have to look forward to in the future is death
    pollutions been set with second hand smoke ruining breath
    god set up a system for life but sickness diluted the sex
    the truth is complex nowadays even schools have been vexed
    with students annexed to violence and then refusing a test
    all due to a mess of things built and induced by a stress
    so he uses the Wes and from a trench coat shoots up his ex
    abuse is direct you hurt your girl and then hope they reprieve
    but when they don't you can see your perfect world is now prone to delete
    at that moment you're free the bliss becomes a utopian plea
    focus depletes and your brainstorm forms cyclones in the sea
    now your only belief is soon you'll be all alone in your grief
    and its apparent incoherence has brought your soul to its knees
    when your parents get embarrassed and then you're thrown to the streets
    tempers flairing this declares you to get control of your feet
    and stop being lonely and weak cause your life is what you make it
    just Keanu Reeve your problems and start finding good replacements
    cause denial is so contagious a design in all locations
    so you have to find your confidence, confide and just be patient
    but try not to be anxious because time has limitations
    if you rush it may be rugged and apply an imitation
    a benign reiteration within Prime illiteration
    cause a Perfect Place is Pessimistic Per Providing Penetration
    .
    .
    .
    .
    In a perfect world
    There'd be no tears
    There'd be no killing
    There'd be no fears
    In a perfect world
    There'd be no pain
    There'd be no sadness
    There'd be no bane
    In a perfect world
    There'd be no dying
    There'd be no grieving
    There'd be no lying
    In a perfect world
    There'd be no leaving
    There'd be no greed
    There'd be no needing

    .....In a perfect world.

  2. #2

  3. #3
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    Holy fuck'a do.

    The title caught my eye, so I opened it, all that, blah, blah. And Ive seen nothing from Nostradomus, but I have seen shit from Percept, and wow, Percept, I love you dude, for real. The first verse was nice, good imagiry, good way to stay on topic. The flow was keeping sweet, no real choppyness, you messed up a couple times here and there, but for the most part it was nice. I did like it alot, I felt it could have been alot better though, had you tweaked a little of it. The vocabulary was ok, nothing to great, but atleast you attempted to talk intelligently. Your structure was also on point, and it made it easy to follow along, good choice in fonts. Good job, and keep it up, Im looking forward to seeing more dropped from you in the future.

    The second verse is what made this great. I meen, not to bash on Nostradomus, but Percept is just a vet in my eyes, I started reading your verse, and it was so long, I was like what the fuck, fuck this, Ill just read a couple lines and maybe read the rest later, then I found myself leaving feed because I got so into the mother fucker I kept reading more. Your flow was fucking great, the multies were on point, NOTHING was choppy, I meen holy shit, just great. Your vocabulary was also sweet, nothing overboard. But you used nice big words to make this even better than it turned out to be. The imagiry is what made this fucking great, I meen, your choice of words was unbelivible, this is honestly one of the best peices Ive read in OM since I have been here. I meen, it was just nice. I pictured all this, I knew what you were saying, and I also agreed with you the whole way through, you really did good on the topic. I liked the topic alot. I also liked your structure, just like Nostradomus, it was on point, helped follow through and all that. Good job man, I look forward to reading from you in the future again.

    Overall, great peice, I loved it, there was nothing I really disliked about it, just a well rounded collab, and deserves to be in the HoF, so I will definatly be nominating this after I post this. You both did a great job, and you need to keep it up, so that OM can keep its dignity. Good job guys, and keep up the good work, Im looking forward to reading more in the future.

    By the way,

    Nostradomus, and Percept.

    Hit me up on aim.

    AIM: Dopetry.

    Good job,

    Peace.

  4. #4
    Mikey B
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    nice- u guys had acool topic(used a bit) and u put ya own twist on it. nice u had imagery-vocab-structure-it was almost flawless------->9.5 OUT OF 10



    VERY DOPE- PM ME ABOUT JOINING MY CREW PLZ

  5. #5
    Banned Percept's Avatar
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    thanx guys

    good verse nostradamus

    uppin'

  6. #6
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    Shit.....this was mad dope....title also caught my eye....and i had to read this cuz percept was in it and he has sum dope shit before............

    Ok both verses were long but really dope.....vocab was definatley here....rhymes were great nice and complex and both of you had sum dope multies......flow was smooth and strucutre wass just about perfect...which made it an easy read.....overall this was a very dope peice....good job both of you.......peace

    and can you check out my latest peice- Broken Heart On Christmas

  7. #7
    All Things Must Pass. Issue's Avatar
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    I will read both parts seperately and then together, and will leave feed accordingly...

    Nostradomus
    Man, I really liked your verse. It had a glow of simplicity, only good writers make things look simple and still get all there points across. Now I'm not saying this piece was easy or simple, i think the fact you created it this way shows vast amounts of talents and it all came across in a fantastic 1st verse. Your first 4 lines set the piece off perfectly, it took me a few times to get passed them because it was hard for me to grasp where you were coming from at first, but when I got there was sincerely impressed by this opener, one of the best I've read on here in a long time, made me want to finish the piece and get the entire feeling of it before I stopped to think about anything else, perfection in what an opener should be. Your general grammer and punctuation and all the stuff that comes was this was fairly decent too, shows you take time out for the reader and help them move forward with the poem, once again a sign of a good poet. There were a few lines in the centre of your verse I really enjoyed aswell, none that stood out with vocab or wordplay or anything, just some really strong lines that make you listen to the words that are being said and the points being made, its like your bouncing from one subject to another and never clinging to a certain one but still making for an impressive read, still getting everything across you needed too but not leaving yourself clinging or caged to the one matter, you don't leave yourself open for much critisism when you write like this, and with your impressive vocabulary used and a decent flow, overall I think this piece has little to be critisised on. An impressive verse, with really strong meaning and sense. Well done man, I really liked this

    Percept
    the mind would be lost in a world that wouldn't need heaven or hell
    where the westside story would only take a second to tell
    happy endings would be repetitive no yelling for help
    nor would i worry of poverty or try embellishing wealth
    That is a really strong verse man, something that you can read again and again and still feel what you're saying. I think Nostradamus' verse was better, but taking nothing away from you, you eclipsed many other writers with this, it was as outstanding as it was real and I appreciate the fact you took a different route than the fist verse, imo that moulded the pieces together and made it stand out even more. Maybe you guys just have different writing syles, but either or any way it came across in this and really shined, great work. I think some of your vocab is limited, but I think you do that yourself. You occasionally fall off into constant rhyming, everyone does it when its available, Id just to of like to see you stick to how you started the verse and that would of made this an almost flawless complete piece for me. You also have an impressive way with (some) words, and you prove this with the quote of yours I've used at the top there, you can get points across to the maximum and also make for a great read, I must say that both verse were stronger than over 95% of Rb, and I'm happy I got to read both verses together

    I didnt really feel the last part, lol, I never get them type of lines in topicals, in audio I guess this would be a great way to fade out and/or use as a chorus, some nice words just i dont think they belong in written work.

    Overall, what a piece. Both of you came accurately and impressivley, two very talented writers who I'll be looking out for more Im really glad I read this piece, well done and keep writing, a credit to OM

    Be easy, peace
    Last edited by Issue; December 26th, 2005 at 11:03 AM

  8. #8
    Banned Percept's Avatar
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    thanx

  9. #9
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Word son. Tattered Theory 4 life.

  10. #10
    All Things Must Pass. Issue's Avatar
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    Your welcome

    Anna Maria

    Return the reply?

  11. #11
    Banned Percept's Avatar
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    done^ upping

  12. #12
    Spakz
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    it was so hot i dont got words i just said damn and nominated it

  13. #13
    Spakz
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    lmao sorry no feed it was just that good hit up Just Nature in my sig

  14. #14
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    I'll peep urs soon man, thanks for the nomination.

  15. #15
    I really liked this piece. Imagine started it off strong with a super poetic vibe to his verse. Alot of times I jsut felt like I was in fact reading a poem, just one that had a very strong meter... Which I really liked being as that I'm a poet. The only thing I didnt quite like about the first verse was that the lines seamed alittle long to me. But aside from that everything was on point.

    Second verse I didnt like until I hit like the 4th line down. For me it really picked up and just snowballed as it traveled from line to line, just gather more complex flow and emotional backbone. Now, Percept had similar sized lines but, I felt that he alotted the proper amount of rhyme to support the longer lines without losing the flow from bar to bar.

    Overall this was a very nice piece. Nice concept followed by very strong content. I liked the way the piece ended as well... I just pictured a crowd of kids just kind of mourning and listing off what the world needs to reach perfection, which was the perfect final image to add a real soft powerful touch to a hard edged assault to the two verses assault on the worlds imperfections. Great job you two.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

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